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| Blogs > Fallic40 > Seeing Red ....... |
"Rodents Of Unusual Size? I Don't Think They Exist."
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"Rodents Of Unusual Size? I Don't Think They Exist." It would seem that, much like the citizens of Hamlin, the location of where I work is in major need of a Pied Piper. We have us an invasion of Rattus Rattus: also known by the more basic, common or garden, name of varmint. Now bear in mind that since tooting a little horn, dancing a little dance, singing a little song and generally poncing around in<b> spandex </font></b>basically went bye-bye after my Iron Maiden phase, it will not be me leading the rats on a merry dance of death. ************************************************************************************************** Carl Spackler: I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think. from Caddyshack ************************************************************************************************** The rats in question have moved in and taken over the warehouse and manufacturing area of the building. They moved on up from the east side. No really, they moved in from the fields to the east of the building. And in the manner of the world’s most annoying mother-in-law, they have taken over the building. I usually think of pigeons as rats with wings, but maybe rats are really pigeons with feet. Every day, you can see little paw prints in the saw dust where they scurry around doing little rat things. We used to have cats in the building to kill mice and other rodents. However they moved out about the time the rats moved in. One of the material purchasers, who is a little daft anyway, likes to go out and eat her lunch in the warehouse. She likes to hear the sound of little feet scurrying around under the shelves. She says that the rats squeak to her as well. ************************************************************************************************** Ben, the two of us need look no more We both found what we were looking for With a friend to call my own I'll never be alone And you, my friend, will see You've got a friend in me from Ben ************************************************************************************************** A corporate decision was made to “bring in a professional”. Has anyone seen the types of people who become an exterminator? Perhaps prolonged exposure to various and sundry chemicals has a profound effect on them. Perhaps it is the constant “mano y mano” battles with small furry woodland creatures that are as smart, if not smarter, than themselves. But no matter what, there is something completely out of the ordinary about people in this profession The first contractor to come in and bid looked like a combination of John Goodman in arachnophobia and the exterminator in Over The Hedge. He agreed we had a problem and that he had the solution. It would be chemical warfare the likes of which Saddam Hussein could only dream in his wildest dreams of Jihad. We would all probably end up having to work in NBC suits rather that Armani suits. “Father, the sleeper has awakened.” I want to see what tricks he has in his bag. Perhaps he will go with the infamous Acme fake female rat with exploding hormones (and 38DD rat boobies and luscious red lips). Maybe there will be something with blades and lasers and machine guns and poison gas and a catapult in the finest Wile E. Coyote style. There could even be exotic poisons made from rare orchids or genetically modified diseases like in the Secret of NIMH. This was the man: the man with the plan. ************************************************************************************************** Basil: Aha, Dawson! We've found it at last. Ratigan's secret lair. And it's filthier than I imagined. from The Great Mouse Detective ************************************************************************************************** Death Merchant Mark 2 arrived and proved himself to be a master of the dropping inspection. How clichéd was that? His statement was big turds equal big rats. This man must be the fucking Einstein of exterminators. But, on the bright side, at least he didn’t add the taste test to the visual inspection and sniffing of the rat pooh. He then proceeded to inspect under the shelving. Sitting up on the metal gantry where my geek lab is located, I got to watch all and I had some major hopes here. This, I knew, was going to be the point where when he put his flashlight under the shelving, he would suddenly see little beady red eyes looking back at him. (And I am not referring to the beady eyes of “Bicycle Boy”, one of the employees who is a little unbalanced ‒ and who has more than a fleeting resemblance to Willard.) Myself, and several other interested individuals, wanted to see the look of horror as the exterminator’s hand was grabbed and he was pulled as far under the shelving as possible. It happens in every horror movie. There is that moment of tension, that pause, and then the sudden widening of the eyes that portends a horrible and hideous demise. This is what we were waiting for. If he had suddenly been dragged across the floor by the rats, there would have been a standing ovation from the peanut gallery. Alack and alas, this was not to be. There were indeed little beady eyes staring back at his light but they did not attack him like the rats in Willard. And also under there were the remains of the cats. They had not moved uptown. They had been killed by the rats. The rats were bigger than the cats. These rats are super rats. And perhaps there is an uber-rat in charge of them all: an evil genius of a rat who is marshalling all of his troops even as we speak. Perhaps there is a girding of rat loins in preparation for the war to come. Oh the horror of it all. Who knows what is to come in this, the war of wars. The apocalypse will be upon us. ************************************************************************************************** Carl Spackler: To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote. from Caddyshack **************************************************************************************************  |
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1/11/2007 9:10 pm |
 well done...Not all who wander are lost.
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Darn...and I was so looking forward to the pics of you in those tighty tight tights. >>>>walks off singing that lovely Robin Hood Song..."we're men, we're men in tights...(squeek)TIGHT tights..."<<<< Want me to send Maggie and Ava out to rescue ya'll? (And DAMN...we all should have realized that MJ was a little strange when he was able to write and sing a song LIKE THAT about RATS with such FEELING...ewwwwwwwwwwww) I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn
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1/12/2007 7:40 pm |
*totally off subject* and what is your take on the Beck going to LA??
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redmartinigirl, Well........he is, at best, a good player. He didn't have any of the top teams in Europe lining up to take him on. He is gifted with one of the best right feet ever seen in football but there really is little else to elevate his game. He will book end very nicely with Landon Donovan: the most overrated English player ever and the most overrated American player ever. Becks is, however, gifted with an amazingly photogenic personality and he is a genuinely affable and likable person. In terms of representing the league and putting it in the spotlight, no other player in the world could accomplish what he should be able to do. Both of my daughters are planning a roadie or two to LA to see a Galaxy game this year. And hopefully, he will come to Portland to play in a cup game or friendly against the Timbers.
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You read James Herbert, don't you? Rats are incredibly hard to get rid of. A minor infestation can take two or three years. Exterminators will tell you this from the start. Rats are too smart. They see their friends get stuck on the glue traps and they'll avoid the glue traps. They see their friends get stuck in spring loaded rat traps and they'll avoid them. They see their friends eat the poison and die, they will avoid the poison. They also won't move into a building where there isn't an escape plan, should their main entrance be blocked off. There are always two ways (at least,) of building entry. How do I know this? Where I used to live, the one year my next door neighbor grew pumpkins. He didn't get rid of what didn't sell after Halloween. Rats from the woods and the farm across the street were attracted. Soon, not only did he have a major infestation, but my cats would bring them home, lose them and the next thing we knew, my family had an infestation. It took two years to get rid of all of them. By the time I found the second entrance they had, they were all but gone. Rats can chew through anything and do major damage. Well, they can chew through anything but metal. Which is why exterminators tell you to find the entry ways and block them with steel wool. They will try to eat through it and it will cause them to die, as their stomachs hemmorage. Which is cruel yes, but a hell of a lot better than the damage they're going to be doing to the merchandise in the warehouse. Sorry to ramble on like that.
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What a funny account of your rat adventure...fortunately, I have neither encountered rats nor their exterminators...you are terribly funny... kind thoughts, Moonfire
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My Favorite English Banger ~ I am totally put-off that I was not given credit for singing "Ben" to you whilst you were recounting this story to me. I feel as if I should have been a footnote, at the very least. *going off in a snit, with whiskers quivering* /  /  This is my blog - [blog _Safira]. There are many like it, but this one is mine. RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me
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