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| Blogs > 40Deuce > Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93 |
Its time to set the record straight
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Its time to set the record straight A lot of accusations have been leveled at me lately that are only partially true . Rather than respond to them individually I will address these subjects as an open letter to the general universe . I am not a boob man I grant you , I did one time post "I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being , Myself" but that was a "hilarious" send up of the kind of stuff you read some many of my fellow male bloggers for "humor" and/or "humour" . I was recently accused to being a boob man , but while I love boobs (who doesn't ?) I will always remain loyal to my cheeky master , the butt (or ass if you will) . I am like Sir Mix-A-Lot in the sense that I like big butts (also we both starred in short lived drama series on UPN) but however I am unlike Sir Mix-A-Lot in the sense that I can lie about if (if need be) . To put it simply the butt is where its at . Also , where its at I have two turn tables and a microphone . I am a satanist Not the kind that poses as an easy listen Nazi rock band trying to lure intellectuals into believing what they already know to be true , or the kind the worships satan , but you know the other kind . I have been accused of being a nihilist (and not the Big Lebowski kind which weren't so bad really) which is not the case at all . I believe in satan . One time someone asked me why I believed in satan and I said "Because its the opposite of what I want to be true ." Its surprising to me when you look at the statistics of how many alleged Christians don't believe in the devil . I'll grant you the story doesn't make a lot of sense - how can you rebel against an omniscient and omnipotent being ? But its still a pretty important cornerstone of the whole Christ thing . I have saved millions of lives Well , not millions , but you know what I'm saying yeah ? I often (sometimes) say that proof that this is not a just universe is that the # of people I've had sex with is lower than the # of people who's lives I've saved . Recently someone suggested I've never saved anyone's life . False . When I was a lifeguard I saved dumb all the time . You what what are good at ? Fucking downing . YOu know what they're bad at ? Having parents who give a shit . I assume (hope) they were too busy giving each other handjobs and posting the videos on the internet . Also one time I pulled an old man out of the burning car . In slightly related news , I run in the Race for the Cure every year (none of my friends will ever do it with me so I guess they love breast cancer) but it turns out the whole thing is kind of a waste of time . An awareness campaign for breast cancer was vital in , say , the '60s and '70s , when words like "breast cancer" were never even uttered in public (let alone plugged during an NFL game) . Today , however , everyone is aware of its existence , and there are maybe three women in America who don't know that they should be checking their breasts every once in a while . This means that all those campaigns are telling you things you already know full well , to the point that your brain is just starting to tune them out . Not only are most awareness campaigns useless , they often actually harm their cause by misrepresenting the very problem they're trying to fight . Many breast cancer campaigns focus on how sexy boobs are , with clever slogans like "I grab a feel so cancer can't steal." Ignoring how weird it is that a bunch of men clearly sat around a board room and brainstormed ways to make their anti-cancer campaign sexy ("I want our audience to be like 'Finally, a cancer I can fuck'") it's also not helping . The young , perky women wearing a "save second base" shirt who are often closely associated with these campaigns are in fact among the least likely to get cancer . The more probable victims are in fact their grandmas , who tend to be pretty much ignored in these campaigns for the very simple reason of , well , granny boobs . The real tragedy is glossed over , which you may recognize as being the exact opposite of awareness . So now when Breast Cancer Awareness month rolls around , we're thinking about pink shoes in the NFL , or pink buckets of KFC chicken , or hot college chicks with boob-related T-shirts, but never are we thinking about actual cancer victims . The third, and by far the worst , issue is that participation in awareness campaigns makes people less likely to give actual money . Studies have found that people who do a good deed will use that as an excuse to cut back on other good behavior , so if you go out and get wasted on breast cancer vodka , you won't feel obligated to donate cold , hard cash . Why should you? You've already done your part . I'm dumb as hell My best friend is a guy called Squeezebox ? You know what out of all my friends he's the BEST ? Because he doesn't think I'm smart . I like that . I respect that . Lot of people seem to think I'm smart for some reason . I'm not . Excuse my French but I'm borderline retarded . I assume because I read a lot , I'm generally pretty quiet , I can do EXTREMELY simple math in my head , and I can form a complete sentence people think I'm smart . But I'm not . I incurred a ton of debt to go to a college I didn't like to get a degree in something I didn't care about . I turned down my first job offer after college because it wasn't enough money (it only took me 7 years to get another) . I watched every episode of Newlyweds : Nick & Jessica . I buy clothes without trying them on and then when they don't fit I don't return them . Plus you know , I'm on this website (no offense) . I did too have an orgasm I'll admit it , I've faked a couple times . I never understood why a woman would fake an orgasm until I was in a long term relationship . Then I figured it out . If its not going to happen and you're bored and just want to watch the Office its your best bet really . Which is horrible , but sadly its true . As a dude if you say "Hey , you know , its just not going to happen right now - I'm pushing rope here" no matter how solid your relationship is be prepared for the shitstorm of the century . Sometimes I think we men did ourselves a disservice by beating women down so much (metaphorically) in this country that all their self worth comes from their value as sex objects . You blew it 10,000 generations of men before me (especially you Ben Franklin) . Anyway , the point is , when I pop off (as the says) I don't make a big production about it . That's just the way I am . When I tell you I had an orgasm you can believe me , 97% of the time its true . Sidenote , my first real girlfriend (i.e we had tons of sex) complained about that a lot . She once said "When I cum the whole apartment building knows about it !" Which is true , but why that's a good thing I don't know . Anyway , thank you for your time . Consider the record straighten . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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Well, as long as it is true 97% of the time, that's pretty good odds, right? 2022... it HAS be better, right?!
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I have a coworker, BS, who used to tell another coworker, G, all kinds of incredibly personal, hilarious, info. Then he found out G would repeat the good stuff to everybody else. Now he doesn't tell him anything. BS did fake an orgasm at least once. Then he told his partner and she started to cry. What's the point of faking an orgasm if you're just going to tell them a few minutes later? What do I find most impressive about you? Your Bible comments. I've looked them up when you mention them. I don't believe in a General Universe. Top's definitely a noncom universe. Crosswords increase your vocabulary. Cross words increase your blood pressure.
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Well, as long as it is true 97% of the time, that's pretty good odds, right? Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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I have a coworker, BS, who used to tell another coworker, G, all kinds of incredibly personal, hilarious, info. Then he found out G would repeat the good stuff to everybody else. Now he doesn't tell him anything. BS did fake an orgasm at least once. Then he told his partner and she started to cry. What's the point of faking an orgasm if you're just going to tell them a few minutes later? What do I find most impressive about you? Your Bible comments. I've looked them up when you mention them. I don't believe in a General Universe. Top's definitely a noncom universe. Lance Sgt. Universe ? Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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I should probably change my profile tagline to that Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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