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| Blogs > 40Deuce > Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93 |
I'll have the douche ta louche please
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I'll have the douche ta louche please I had a disturbingly erotic encounter at the Cheesecake Factory the other day , except without the erotic part (and it wasn't that disturbing) . There I was minding my own business drinking the best restaurant quality lemonade in town when I saw the sever walking right towards us - and it was one of my co-workers ! I almost jumped up and ran away right then and there but I remembered that I hadn't driven so I couldn't . So I just had to sit there and let it happen to me - small talk with a co-worker ! It was an abomination . After she mercifully took our order and left I wondered aloud "Why do so many people I work with have a second job ? " My boss does overnight auditing at a hotel , her boss works at Scheels (along with several other managers) a ton of the rank and file scumbags work are waitstaff at various restaurants . one dude is a trainer . At first my mind was boggled . I don't make a ton of money mind you , and I do live the lifestyle of a 16th Century monk (with high speed internet) but even so I have plenty of cash money (homey) . But then I remembered all these people are married and have . And are money hungry vampires who never get enough . You constantly have to shovel dollar bills right in their mouths or face the consequences . So they work 5 jobs and send their to daycare to be raised by strangers . Makes as much sense as anything else . Anyway , back to the Cheesecake Factory . One thing I hate about that place is they have tables for two crammed in there like something that's crammed in close together , I can't think of anything . The point is people are right on top of you like an amusement park frotteur . So you can hear everything the people next to you are saying whether you want to or not . And while I assume most people do want to , I don't . Anyway , my co-worker came over to ask if we wanted desert the couple 3 inches away from us thought they were talking to them and the lady said "I want the Douche Ta Louche" . I'm going to say she was trying to order dulce de leche . Anyway I burst out laughing while my co-worker just smiled and said "I'll have that right out for you ." My gal pal was mortified (she's easily mortified) and I admit it was boorish behavior but come on , a lady just ordered a douche for desert - if you can't laugh at that what can you laugh at in this world ? But then she made things 7,773 times worse by saying to her "he's not laughing at you" thereby removing any doubt that I was absolutely laughing at her . Plus as I was gasping for breath I managed to say "yes I am , because you're so stupid" which was a really mean and pointless thing to say but every now and then I get like that . Which I don't like about myself . Later when she brought the check co-worker said "I never heard you laugh before , honestly I wasn't sure you were capable of laughing ." So I guess we're best friends now . I suppose its only a matter of time before we're getting shaggy in one of the conference rooms . Which would be okay , she's pretty , but she is married and has a and I hate being a mother fucker .  I realize the other day that 23.1% of my blog is being reminiscing about porn . I figured I should start going in chronological order . Anyway , after seeing "Backdoor Lambada" when I was 14 (or 15 or whatever) and being scarred for life I didn't see any more porn until I was in college . When I checked out "Double Penetration #3" while listening to They Might Be Giants album "John Henry" . The thing I remember most about it is in the first scene one of the dudes kept saying "don't make them touch" when the chick was jamming two dicks in her mouth . She totally ignored him , and actually I think she made them touch more honestly , which amused me . But seriously come on porn dude , if you're going to have your cock in a lady's mouth at the same time as another dude they're going to touch each other . Get over it already . There's nothing gay about your dick touching another dude's dick - I do it all the time and I'm straight as an arrow . That pictures kind of freaks me out - she's got the dead eyes you see in porn sometimes . They killed her soul . Which is sad , but without souldeath there probably wouldn't even be pornography . Once again 40deuce is part of the problem . I've heard a couple different places now about a waitress who instead of a tip got a little handwritten note about how get was getting jackshit because she was gay . Understandably a lot of people are upset about this , but to be honest the fact that a former marine is now a waitress bothers me more than that . Which I guess is being mean to waitress saying their jobs aren't awesome but they're not . Point is this seems like a pretty good idea , tipping people based on their sexual preferences . So the first I do when I go out to eat is ask the server what kind of genitals they like . The I tip accordingly . Straight - 12.75% , a little lower because they make all the babies and I am in favor of population reduction Gay - 22,3% , a little higher because they've got a tougher path in life Bisexual - 0% , because fuck you , make up your mind already . You can't have everything Other - randomly determined by dice roll , I don't know what else there is but I'm sure there's like 17 other sexual preferences I've never even heard of . Of which I've never heard I mean . Speaking of tipping the other day I ordered a pizza online while fooling around with my gap pal and being somewhat distracted I put in my credit card security # where the tip was supposed to go . When I tried to place the order it wouldn't let me saying "you can't tip more than the cost of the order" . To which I was grateful because I really didn't want to give a $500 tip but its also kind of a kick in the junk to the deliverypersons . Speaking of food (sort of) just minutes ago I was combining the many open ketchup bottles in my home into one and my houseguest asked me what I was doing . "Its a ketchup orgy" I said . She laughed so hard I think she peed a little . I think this girl is seriously dumb . In other news my boss called me into her office the other day and like she does 88% of the time once I got in there she left because she had to go to the bathroom - which is quite annoying . I'm not one to snoop normally (but really I am) but I noticed she had my year end review and I took a peak . She described me as "mercilessly calm , brutally realistic & ruthlessly reasonable" . I don't know how to feel about that . Being called "calm , realistic and reasonable" not high praise , but fine . But adding in those modifiers ? Seems like an insult really . And finally , I think I've talked about this before but in case I haven't it really weirds me out when old ladies have sweet boobs . There's a woman at work I bump into every now and then and being a man the first thing I look at (obviously) is her rack - which is killer . Then I look up and am sad because she's old and gross . This is probably going to start happening more and more on account of all the fake boobs out there these days . And finally (for real) I got a Canadian penny in my change the other day . I like the Canadian penny on it because it had a maple leaf on it and Queen Elizabeth which is way better than any American coin . I was decrying the dearth of American coins with women on them (aside from that traitor Sacagawea) and someone said "What about Martha Washington ?" And I was heard to respond "Martha Washington can suck my dick !!!" Which isn't even true because she's dead . Although there's probably other women named that that could theoretically suck a dick (including mine) . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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I would have laughed hysterically at the ketchup orgy too (but, why do you have multiple bottles of partially used ketchup at home?).  
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'ketchup orgy' at least has a touch of originality; whereas I have it on good authority that "it's always been my fantasy to be a bicycle seat on a woman's bike" was stolen from a movie...
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