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40deuce year in review (now with commentary !)
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40deuce year in review (now with commentary !) I thought about posting the "best" from my blog over the year , but I don't want to go back and read all that stuff . instead here's some random stuff because I wanted to post something today and had nothing to "write" about . And a picture , because , you know .  1/1/13 (The title of this post was 'It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission'  People say that sometimes . It makes me want to hit them in the belly and groin with a morning star . Here's another way to say that same thing ; "I'm going to fuck you over , even though I know it’s wrong , because hey fuck you buddy ." Maybe there should be another fuck in there , I'm not sure . I'm not a fuck specialist . Or so my girlfriend said ! I still hate that a lot , like a super lot . And that fuck specialist line ? If that's not funny I don't know what is . Which I don't . 2/13/13 The other day my gal pal (as everyone does over a long enough timeline) was talking about the smallest dick she'd ever seen . She said it was the size of her pinky finger , which is what every woman says . So I have to wonder , is there one dude out there with a pinky-penis who's really smooth with the ladies or is that just a common thing ? Grammar (or syntax or something) error here , I should have said every woman not everyone , most dudes don't talk about the smallest penis they've ever seen , which given most of the penises they've seen besides theirs would be in porn would be theirs . That's weird to think about - the smallest penis I've ever seen is mine . Happy New Year to you and your pinky penis Pinky Penis Man . 3/13/13 Once a long time ago (when we were young) I blogged a blog about the idea of having sex with a freaky sex robot . At the time I was supremely disappointed because I could not find any video of a dude humping his scary sex robot . Turns out I was just looking for the wrong thing . There are TONS of videos out there of dudes fucking their "realistic" sex dolls . Highly disturbing . Of course I checked out the website where you can buy them . Highly hilarious . Some of the options you can add to your sex doll ; Elf ears R2-D2 "face" REAL HAIR EYEBROWS !!! Shemale attachment Tan lines Pubic hair Freckles Extra or Replacement Tongue Labia Repair Kit (of course) and the clincher Second-hand Doll Cleaning Kit I don't like to judge (I'm lying , I love it) but if you're in the market for a second hand sex doll you have made poor life choices . Would I ever buy a sex doll ? No , and not just because they're 6 grand . Would I try one out if the company gave me one for free ? Probably . I'm a much bigger scumbag than I realize sometimes . Now a days I probably would buy a sex doll if they were cheaper (like 5 bucks a piece) what does that say about me ? Nothing really , its all context . Humping a sex doll is no different from wanking right ? Taking your sex doll to diner and a movie ? That's where the problems<b> crop </font></b>up . Elf ears ? You people as sick mofos . 4/14/13 I've written approximately 7 billion blog posts . In 2.7 billion of them I've mentioned Fight Club . I searched for years for the elusive Fight Club Lunch Box . I consult with the Fight Club action figures on all the important decisions in my life (or would if I had any) . I have a "What would Tyler do ?" bumper sticker (but not on my car because that's lame) . Whenever anyone at work says me when I'm doing on Friday I always say "Fight Club , wait , I mean . . . bible . . . study . . . . club" . Its "hilarious" . I like Fight Club - even though the entire concept is dumb as hell . The book is great . The movie is solid . Why do I bring this up ? I'm glad you asked . Fight Club came out during the golden era of movie plot twists , before every stupid website started spoiling the ending to every movie . The movie ends when the narrator (Edward Norton) and his friend/sparring partner Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) turn out to be the same person . All those times we saw the two fighting ? That was just the narrator punching himself , which is dumb as hell . So Tyler never existed : He was a personality the narrator invented to escape his depressing middle class life . Strangely , when this all comes out , the narrator seems to handle it rather well for a man who previously had a nervous breakdown over Ikea furniture . It's almost like he's experienced something like this before . . . And he has , according to one popular theory , which states that the narrator is actually a grown-up Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes ; which would mean Tyler is Hobbes. For those of you who grew up in a Mexican prison , Calvin & Hobbes charts the adventures of a young boy and his best friend , a talking tiger who looks like a stuffed doll to everyone else . But other than the fact that both Fight Club's narrator and Calvin have imaginary friends , what else could they possibly have in common ? Well , first , there's the fact that they both tend to show up with inexplicable bruises all over their bodies - when Calvin imagines a fight with Hobbes , his parents can see the bruises afterwards , so it's obvious that the likes punching himself and blaming it on his nonexistent friend . Just like Fight Club's narrator (whose name we never learn). That or his mind is blocking some serious parental abuse . Also , both characters are miserable . Calvin has no friends , so he creates one to make his life more bearable . A friend who , incidentally , is nothing like him : Calvin is an impulsive , whiny , shouting . . . , really. Hobbes , meanwhile , is a cool and collected philosopher . Likewise , the narrator hates his life, it's little wonder why he might sink back into his old hallucinatory habit and resurrect Hobbes , albeit an R-rated version named Tyler . A version who , as we've seen , is a cool , collected philosopher who fucks junkies like a machine . Huh , not much you can say about that , way too much in my blog I'm just reporting what someone else came up with that I think is cool . But then again , I don't have anything cool so say so maybe it works ? I think this post got zero comments so maybe not either . I have a Fight Club lunch box is the important thing to remember . It cost hundreds of dollars (US) . 5/14/13 So this one time I was "fooling" around with this sexy hot sexy redhead , and I don't need to tell you that it was simultaneously both sexy , hot , and sexy hot . Anyway , during the "foreplay" period what I'm told is called an erection happened . Also during the "foreplay" period said erection stopped happening . This to me means that the "foreplay" period went on for too long , but you know different people have different views on that . As you know . So , the alleged erection came and went as they are wont to do , and as a dude I was perfectly willing to call it a day and watch Breaking Bad . I have learned however that the ladyfolk usually aren't so blasé about a missed alleged erection . This lady , we'll call her Rojo , as ladies often do wanted the erection to come back and she started doing stuff . Sometimes this works , sometimes it doesn't . Usually is doesn't (for me anyway) . Now I have learned from experience that for some reason its not okay so say "Its just not going to happen , can you please stop pawing at me like a raccoon trying to catch a crawfish ?" (I also say crawdad sometimes) So I just rode it out until she breathed to me breathily "Tell me what to do ." No way sister . I wasn't about to fall for that . Its a slippery slope . She was forever trying to get me to tie her up or put clamps on her nipples or some other weird Chablis but I wasn't about to bite (she did sometimes even though I hate it) on that shenanigans . I did cave in and spank her a few times , which was surprisingly erotic , but I have enough problems without getting into that kind of thing . Anyway , to buy some time I whispered back sensually "What ?" Laying back she sexed sexily "Tell me what to do , take control of me ." At which point I grabbed my pants and ran out of the room . Nice try lady - you won't drag 40deuce into your S&M world of depravity so easily . The world of depravity I'm in now is JUST FINE . Just fine indeed . I like this one because it illustrates two things . First I never (or rarely) use one word when seven will do . And secondly even though I've literally had sex some times I'm really not comfortable with some pretty basic stuff . Also for a while I was going to use Chablis as a replacement word for shit . Didn't stick . 6/15/13 The other day I was driving in my auto and I noticed that the car in front of my had some variety of autism bumper sticker . I couldn't really see it , but I assume it was for awareness or research or something because it seems unlikely there even are pro-autism bumper stickers let alone that someone would have purchased and displayed one . This person was driving very poorly . Normally that kind of thing doesn't really bother me , but I mean VERY poorly indeed . I thought to myself "This person must want autism cured because they're obviously retarded" . Which is a horrible thing to think and probably doesn't even make sense . I would suspect a lot of autistic people can drive . I realized the other day that 47.3% of my blogs are about what happened on the elevator at work . Kind of lame , but write what you know right ? So the other day I was on the elevator and a lady walked onto the elevator with her face buried in her smart phone . And after she walked on she didn't turn around - she remained facing me , maybe six inches away . Had she not been totally engrosses it whatever dumb thing she was looking at on her phone we would have been basically nose to nose , or nose to chin actually because she was shortier than I . Yes , shortier . Why didn't she turn around ? Why ? Back in my day if you tried to pull that kind of crap you got a leaping elbow strike to the eyeball . But sadly those days are past . This is another one of my staples , admitting horrible things about myself . Does it make me feel better somehow ? Probably not . I guess its just fun to admit things . Also complaining about people on phones , which I do too much . 7/3/13 That movie "The Purge" (which is not about a juice fast) dredged up an old conversation my chums and I used to have every so often about how everyone should get one murder free of consequences . Its a terrible idea not for any moral reason but because everyone would use their one murder on their parents when they were a because as sociopaths . One of them suggested you had to be 21 to use your free murder . And what to people do the night they turn 21 ? Go out and get drunk . So it would just be changed to get drunk and murder someone . Don't get me wrong , I am pro murder , its just not feasible . I went to update my profile the other day and found out I already had . I have no recollection of doing this . I kicked a once . Not very hard and the was being an asshole but it was a real dick move and I'm sorry about it . Even though I hate dogs . My brain tells me there was a time when Adam Sandler was funny but I can't remember it . I though Punch Drunk Love was a good movie though . I found out its based on a real dude . A real weird dude . I "had" to kill a spider today . Its the first time I've ever killed a spider (on purpose) without being order to do so by a lady I had my penis in at some point . Spiders are our allies in the struggle against household pets . Anyway , it had built its web in the shower and although I tried to prod it out it couldn't climb up the side of the tub for some reason , it kept slipping , which I didn't think was possible - they can walk up glass for the love of whatever . Anyway , I could have picked it up but I didn't , I just killed it instead . I was watching a nature show the other day and a Peregrine falcon slaughtered a flock of pelicans for flying past its nest . It was one of the more unexpected things I've ever seen . A Peregrine falcon is the size of your foot and pelicans are like a smart car . I also saw an artic fox . That might be my favorite animal Sometimes people say to me "hello random !" which I hate for two reasons . One its just a stupid thing to say . And two , a lot of the time its not random at all the person I'm talking to is just not paying attention . It amazes me how some people can have a total conversation without even really paying attention to what is being said . Its uncanny . 8/4/13 The other day I was reading a blog wherein a lady was saying she was worthless and no one would ever love her and she was going to kill herself , yada , yada , yada . Part of me was like "shut up and do it then idiot" but a larger part of me wanted to take her aside and explain to her that she shouldn't feel bad because her life sucks - the truth is she never had a chance . Life sucks for most people , that's how it works . There are some people that are happy and have great lives , but they had to work their asses off to get that way AND they had to be super lucky on top of that . The world is a harsh place and you're not going to win most of the time . So don't feel bad - you're like the salmon who jumps right into the bear's mouth , the world had it out for you from day one . What really bugged me is that she blamed her parents , like many people do - they never "approved" of her , which makes her unhappy . I guess I can kind of see that , but seriously , what's the big deal ? Your parents are just two people who got drunk at a Duran , Duran concert and forgot to wear a condom - who gives a flying fig if they approve of you ? You think they care about YOUR approval ? Think again . So why does it matter if you were never good enough for daddy ? He's just some dude , he's not god . If your parents didn't toss you in a dumpster on prom night when you were born I don't think you have anything to complain about short of abuse of some kind . No one seemed to dig this theory , but it makes perfect sense to me . It has to be a two way street . Its like when people talk about how their employer isn't loyal - of course not , because you're not loyal to them either . You would quit in a second if you could , you don't give a shit about then , why do you expect them to care about you ? People are weird . 9/5/13 As you all know I do not drink the booze . And while I am not a big fan of anyone drinking the booze I have made my peace with it because only other option is not having friends . But while I can make that reach , one thing I can't get behind is having sex with drunk ladies . That's right , all my "hilarious" comments about pouring drunks down a lady until she passes out so I can go to town on her are completely facetious . Disappointing I know , but I am nothing if not honest (and a long tongued liar) . People never ask me "40 , why don't you like screwing drunk chicks (with party hats) ?" And I never say "I did it a few times , I didn't like it ." You see womenfolk are dangerous and reckless sex partners in the best of times (as my bruised testicles evidence) and it gets 7 times worse when they tie one on . Its just not worth it . Plus they don't even remember the next day - which would be good I guess if I wanted to do something weird , but I don't . So its not . Did I ever tell you that a drunk lady I was "with" once tried to shove a banana up her asshole ? Why ? You tell me drunk-O . She failed miserably of course because she peeled the banana so instead she just had mashed banana all over her butt . You're not going to get a peeled banana up your ass unless the banana is extremely under ripe AND your asshole is really stretched out - and I mean really stretched out . Like Katja Kassin stretched out . And even then I think you'd need to be sober to thread that needle . I'd say this speaks for itself 10/6/13 While I want to do something special for all the ladies in the world (by making love to them - no one ever said special has to be good) I have to admit (well I don't have to but I am) that I like a woman with a little plus to her size . I don't know why exactly . I'd like to think it doesn't have anything to with my status as a fatman myself but it probably does . Like seeks out like and all that jazz . I've been with some slender women but most of my "partners" have been on the heavier side . Anyway , I realize that people like whatever they like and that's okay (sort of) but it does kind of annoy me when a larger woman tells me "Beat it fatso I only like skinny guys ." It just seems unfair somehow . While we're on the subject of women being unfair lately I've seen a lot of blogs wherein the bloggess decry the un-romentical nature of the human male . Which I think is kind of a bum deal . Men expecting women to be tall , skinny , bosomy and so forth isn't fair - we can all agree on that . So why is it okay for women to expect men to be something they're not ? One lady said to me "You can't change the way you look , but you can change the way you act ." Indeed but you can't change the way you are . Do you really want someone who acts all romantically but secretly hates it (and you for making him do it) ? I've seen a little placard posted several times that says - Put down the game controller , man up , suit up , and wine and dine the fuck out of your woman - or something to that effect . Which honestly my brain's response to that is "Fuck you . If you don't like what I am why did we get into this in the first place ?" I understand the sentiment behind it , don't be a douche , its just you know , whatever . Sometimes I think I'm just too insane to be with someone . More and more I'm thinking I was on to something with my women and men were never supposed to be more than friends theory . This one got a few comments . I realize that women get the short end of the stick any way you slice it , but there are some benefits to the so called double standard . Number one being its somehow okay for them to expect way more from men than they can deliver and then somehow its the dude who ends up being an asshole for not living up to those expectations . 11/9/13 Like most people in my age group I was raised by the TV . Which is not cast aspersions (or dispersions or inversions even) on my parents - they had jobs and shit to do and so forth . And honestly are pretty dumb - why would you break your back to hang out with them if you were not also a dumb ? A question for the philosophers . Anyway , since the TV was my real parents I loved it , because that's what you do with the person or thing that raises you ; that's why my buddy Turtle Tamer loves forklifts . But recently I've kind of fallen out of love with the TV . I have millions of hours of shows on the DVR , shows I like , shows I want to see , but when I have free time I just never bother . I'd rather be reading or writing (or arithmeticing) or trying to explain to my gal pal how spending her gas money on pizza is a not a good idea . Which is kind of sad , TV deserves better , it made me the man I am today . Granted the man I am today is nothing to get excited about but hey , you can't make an omelet without napalming a few endangered species as they say . I thought omelet had mores Ls or more Ts or both . But the point is now that I talked about how I don't watch TV anymore I'm going to talk about a TV show . There's a new(ish) show on the HBO called "Hello Ladies" starting the 9 foot tall English dude who tormented Karl on "And Idiot Abroad" . I watched it and it had some funny moments , but you know what ? Enough . Its a show about a bunch of losers and how loserey their lives are - which is basically the premise of 83% of comedies these days . And despite the fact that there may be some funny jokes in them I have had enough . Funny or not I've had my fill of the comedy formula of "protagonist fails at everything" . I blame the Office , which was great , but now we're reaping the crummy harvest of its success . Its it too much to ask for a main character that can brush their teeth without "hilariously" failing out the window naked in front of their high school sweetheart who just came back into town for 1 day and they have to coach to the big high school lacrosse game while reconciling with their girlfriend and pretending to go on a date with a killer robot driving school instructor who traveled back in time for some reason so they can get their wallet back which has the key to their gym locker where they left their prescription jock strap that they need for the big swing dance contest next week to save the organic grocery ? I guess it is . This trend is still going strong , which makes sense since I posted this barely two months ago . I think too part of it is the damnable internet , where most of the "entertainment" is laughing at idiots . There may be a more mean-spirited reason these shows are around than I thought originally 12/4/13 Wallowing in the sickly erotic molasses of FriendFinder-x I never think of myself as “freaky” but every now and then I talk to someone in the real world and an reminded how most people would be disgusted (and aroused) but some of the non-freaky things I’ve done . I was talking to a lady the other day and I said something about sucking cock (we were talking about sex so it wasn’t totally weird) and her response was “eww” which I wholeheartedly agree with , but the moral of the story is that all she had ever done was missionary style PIV . She had never given oral , never received oral , no butt stuff , no hand stuff , nothing . She claimed she didn’t know you could do it “doggy” style without doing it in the butt . And there’s probably a lot more people out there like that than there are mildly freaky people like me . It’s all a sliding scale is what I’m saying , or at least implying heavily . The slightly amusing thing is that right after that I was talking to someone on FriendFinder-x who said (something like) “Reading your blog tells me you don’t like handjobs , you don’t like blowjobs , you don’t like anal – you’re the like the most boring guy on this whole site” . Which is true , not just about sex , but in general . Turns out there's a minority of women out there who think doggy style means you have to do it in the butt . I know its probably not something they think about a lot , but don't they realize where their pussy faces when they're on their hands and knees ? I know I do . I know it hard . Also one time this year I did a Mad Lib with keywords from my blog , that was pretty good . If I was more popular I bet that would have swept the bloghole . Resolutions are dumb . Here is mine . "I , 40Deuce , resolve to be happier . I, 40Deuce , also acknowledge that the path to happiness is not virtue , or kindness , or good will towards my fellow humans , but in the mindless acquisition and consumption of consumer goods . That's a good point I have been feeling a little down lately . Maybe I should try filling the void in my soul with more stuff . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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Well, that's good timing, seeing as everything goes on sale after Christmas.  
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