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The Beast With Two Bucks - Factory Reject Dildos Three For a Dollar
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The Beast With Two Bucks - Factory Reject Dildos Three For a Dollar That’s what I wanted to name my blog but it was too long to fit fully in the box . LIKE MY DICK !!!!  Anyway , I’m going to be bashing women a lot in this blog so I figure I should do that first so people can get mad right away and stop reading the rest . That’s called foreshadowing (but not really) . I have read and had a couple women tell me directly at my face that the whole penis size hysteria is all from men – that men are the one’s obsessed with penis size and women don’t care . I accepted this . Until . I realized that whenever a woman is bragging about getting laid within the first three sentences she mentions the size of the dude’s dick . When you’re telling a story and right away you talk about the size of the dick be rammed (awkwardly) into you that tells me that it’s important to you . Most of the important information in any story is frontloaded , which is why I tend to quit listening after a minute or two and then tune back in when things are winding up for the punchline (if you will) . For example , my gal pal was talking the other day about how a dude gave her the good sex . Here’s how that went down ; Statement 1 His dick wasn’t that thick , average probably , but it was a little longer than most – it was above average length . Not as long as (her ex with a huge dick) but it was longer than most . Statement 3 And in going back over my archives of women telling me about getting nailed that seems pretty typical , at least when they’re talking about a brand new dick . Obviously once a dick is in syndication the stories are less dick-centric because the size is already a known factor at that point . Anyway , the point I’m failing to make is that women are the one’s driving the dick size train and men are the ones being crushed under the wheels . I do not say this a moral judgment of any kind , if I were to think about it (which I won’t) it would seem perfectly fair for women to make men feel penis size anxiety because men do their best to make women feel bad about EVERY part of their bodies . I’m only saying this because I want any woman who says they don’t care about cocksizing to present their bare bottom to me so I can spank it with an antique fan until they admit that they are liars .  Alright , that wasn’t so bad , but strap yourself in because it’s about to get a lot worse . I was reading about a study by sex researchers (whenever I read these things I think ‘what kind of scientist devotes themselves to sex research ? ) at the Indiana University (boo ! ) women having orgasms during exercise is a real phenomenon . This is the first study of its kind that deals directly with exercise-induced orgasms , known as "coregasms" because they tend to occur during core-strengthening workouts . Coregasms as a thing began making the rounds back in 2007 when an editor at Men's Health blogged about them . That sexologist dude Alfred Kinsey , who was wrong about a whoreton of stuff and I wish people would stop talking about his research so much , mentioned the phenomena back in some bullshit study he did back in the fifties . The study , with a laughable small sample size , reported that a "sizeable minority" (44 percent) of women had experienced orgasms , or sexual pleasure without orgasms , during a workout and most said they were able to induce the effect if they wanted . Okay , if this is true , and to me that’s a big IF , why are 70-80 percent of women in this country<b> overweight </font></b>? If men could have orgasms from working out they would all look like this ;  All of them . Even the ones that can’t have orgasms because they fell off a low wall in Afghanistan and hurt their back and now they can’t get erections anymore . Because they’d still try . Anyway , apparently the best way to do this is with an exercise called “the candlestick” which sounds kind of sexual to me anyway .  The logical conclusion of this study to me is articulated perfectly by one of the authors of the paper (a chick) "I see orgasm more as a mind/body event that we've perhaps taught ourselves to experience during sex, and which often occurs during sexual activities, but that also occurs in other ways” . Which is a troubling idea for mankind (and I mean the man part literally) or would be if women depended on men for orgasms . It should be noted that the chick who I quoted above also believes that that female orgasm is simply a byproduct of male orgasm so clearly she’s just a man in a dress trying to ruin everything for everyone .  Okay so that was pretty bad , I basically just said “why are you so fat ?” to every woman in the country , but here’s where it gets real misogynistic , which is a really hard word for me to spell . And I’m an excellent speller . People (annoying ones) often ask me why I don’t want to get married . There are as many reasons as there is time to list them . Also why do you care ? Back off weirdo . Anyway , of the many reasons is one that reason that has been demonstrated (I just realized the word demon is in that word – the devils work ? ) directly to me in real life many times . I’ll be sitting there with one of my pals playing Magic or whatever and he’ll say to me ‘Hey 40 , you want to see Terminator 7 the Terminatoring this weekend ?” and I’ll say “sure” . So then he calls to make sure that’s okay with his wife , which you know , is just common courtesy . So he calls her up on the digital cellphone telephone ; ‘Hey honey , do you care if 40 and I go see a movie this weekend ? (silent for 4-5 minutes) Yeah , I’ll take care of that . I already talked to your dad and Sparerib about it . Yeah . Yeah . Do you care if 40 and I go see a movie this weekend ? (silent for 7-8 minutes) Yeah . I think so . (silent for 10-12 minutes) No . I don’t think so . Maybe ? (several minutes of “yeahs” and “uh huhs” followed by silence) Okay . Yep . Sure thing . (silence for 17-22 minutes) Okay , love you , goodbye . (hangs up and starts packing up his stuff) Sorry 40 , I gotta to go .” And I don’t even ask about the movie because I know that project was terminated with extreme prejudice and he’s probably in trouble for playing games with me in the first place when he should be contributing . Now I’m not saying that women are evil nagging harpies who hate fun (but I kind of am) what I am saying is that getting married is like starting a horrible non-profit company where you and your spouse are the only employees . Nothing gets done unless you’re the one doing . There’s no time for Terminator 7 , there’s no time for anything . And I read an article that when a dude calls his girl like that he’s not really asking her permission he’s just not being a complete asshole by doing stuff without telling her , and I get that , I really do . But also he totally is asking for her permission and that’s a horrible way to live your life to me . I don’t run into this anymore because I just don’t see my married friends much anymore , they’re in too deep . Or maybe they’re not my friends at all and they hate me like my therapist said (when she wasn’t busy sucking me off) and I just blame the wife because I hate women . Now that that’s out of the way the main reason for this blog post . Blost . My gal pal told me the other day that according to a pornographic film she watched in her youth you’re not supposed to masturbate with a bottle . First of all what the hell kind of porn was this ? An instructional video ? Secondly , is the idea that you can build up pressure in the bottle and it can explode ? That seems like the kind of thing that would be an urban legend . I could see some air getting pussypushed into the bottle – bottlenecked if you will – but without more air being introduced into the system it doesn’t seem like there would ab issue . Once again I wish they did stuff like this on Mythbusters . It’s the kind of thing that seems like it could be true but also seems like it could be total bullshit . Plus I won’t lie (right now) I’d like to see that red haired Mythbuster chick masturbating . Personally I would be afraid of anything glass near my vag were I a lady but a bottle doesn’t necessary seem any more risky to me . In other news I love telling the truth . It’s fun . It’s my main hobby really . And it makes me sad that 100% of the time it’s just easier and safer for everyone to lie instead . Example . The other day we had a food day at work because it was some moron’s last day . I never eat the food on so called food days (if they can so be called) . This inevitably leads to 11-17 people asking me “Did you get anything ?” and me saying “no” to which they follow up with “why not ? are you not hungry ?” . Which first of all , why do you care , leave me alone weirdo . But furthermore this puts me in a tough spot . Being truthful I would say ; “Actually I’m ravenously hungry , I feel like I might pass out honestly . But I would rather die than eat any of the garbage you circus animals barfed up into a bucket and jammed into a crock pot and dragged in here with your filthy rat claws.” This is obviously not a good way to go . So instead I say “No , I’m not hungry” and die a little inside . Now I know what you’re thinking “40 , if you’re going to lie just say ‘yes’ when they ask that” but that my friend , will only result in more questions about what I did or didn’t have and necessitate more lies . It’s a no win situation . As usual . In my mind (and sometimes in my blog) I brag about how honest I am all the time , which can only mean that really I’m a huge liar . Because just REAL like nice guys don’t go around telling everyone how nice they are all the time the only people that talk about how honest they are all the time are dirty long-tongued liars . Which makes sense because after truthtelling my favorite hobby is liaring . And mangling the English language . In your face guy who invented the English language ! Steve I bet . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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I had the best sex ever over the past few years with a guy whose penis was really on the small of average side. (Whatever that is. It was a very nice penis - it just wasn't especially big or anything.) I think a lot of men don't know how to use their penises very well and apparently a lot of women don't know how to gently direct them. Thanks. I was doing really well not thinking about having sex and here I go again. At least you wrote about something else to hate about working in an office so I can feel a little better when I wake up tomorrow underemployed and not having sex again. (I don't mind not having sex in general; I just miss having sex with that guy.) *[blog charleyb223]*
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