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Sitcom : The Movie : The Ride
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Sitcom : The Movie : The Ride Oh man blog people prepare for a roller coaster ride !  I was walking (with my legs) at work today and the lady in front of me suddenly slammed on the breaks because she was another lady she knew who she hadn't talked to for a while . It was so sudden I almost smashed into her ass - even more sudden than when Brook Shields hit Andre Agassi in the head with a rolling pin that one time when they were married . That would have been bad because with all my mass her ass would have been destroyed like Vegeta . Anyway I managed to avoid the collision with my yoga skills but I was trapped behind their asses for a while . I relate their conversation to you word for word ; Lady #1 - I haven't seen you in so long ! How are you doing ? Lady #2 - Good , how are you doing ? Lady #1 - Good . So how's it going ? Lady #2 - Good , how's it going with you ? Lady # 1 - Good . UP ROLLERCOASTER - BORING !!! Then it happened , perhaps the most interesting thing ever said in a hallway at work was said ; Lady # 2 - So are your parents still swingers ? RECORD SCRATCH SOUND EFFECT !!!!!!!!!!!! With the what now ? First of all why do you know someone's parents are swingers ? Why would you know if YOUR parents were swingers ? And why would that be the first thing you ask about ? The mind reels . DOWN ROLLERCOASTER - WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ! Lady #1 - Oh yeah , they're still at it . . . . At this point they moved enough I could get by them and I walked on so I didn't hear the rest . Which is good maybe ? I think that's really all I needed to know about this woman's parents that they were still "at it" with their swinging . What kind of a world is it we live in where people can be so cas(ual) about their parents swinging ? "Hey Betty , nice weather we're having huh ? Hey so do your parents still do that thing where they engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity ? The old rascals !" Obviously I had to recount this tale to my co-workers immediately . UP ROLLERCOASTER - but the reacting will be great . This is where things took an unexpected turn . Coworker #1 took this opportunity to mention that she and her husband started swinging when they lived in California and did it a lot when they first moved to Iowa . The co-worker #2 chimed in about how she has a friend who's bi-sexual and they used to go to town on each other while their husbands watched and jerked off . Then CW #3 said that he and his wife were trying to get pregnant but they're having fertility issues . OH NO ROLLERCOASTER JUMPED THE TRACK - THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE !!! What the heck just happened ? My humorous take of eavesdropping turned into a nightmare . I have to work with people for god's sake ! Have you no shame ? I don't want to know about your malfunctioning dingdong or how you used to lez out like crazy . What the heck I say again ! What is wrong with people that they're just start talking about swinging at work ? Okay sure , I brought it up by come on man ! This is place of business not the Regal Beagle - have SOME decorum will you ?  I've mentioned before that I've heard that Iowa is a "hot spot" for swingers . I've never really believed it , but this lady indicated that there's at least some truth to it . I guess it kind of makes sense . Iowa is a pretty "whitebread" state and swinging is like the least freaky of freaky sex freakers - its just normal sex with someone else on the face of it . So if you assume every states has some freak sex stuff going ton it kind of checks out that that would be the Iowa thing . Moving on , I'm reading a humorous (possibly even humourous) book about writing screenplays (I quoted it yesterday because that's a lazy way to eat up blogspace) and half the book is making fun of TV writers (which the dudes who wrote the book also are) . It got me to thinking I should write a TV show and become not rich or famous , but have some more money and a few people would know me . Here's the outline . Lets call the show Art Town USA (adjacent) because it kind of sounds like Fart Town which is hilarious , plus the USA part will make people think of America which they like , and the (adjacent) part is for the sake of weirdness . The main character will be a guy named Jack . He will have no discernable characteristics - this will make him an "everyman" that the mouth-breathers in the Midwest will relate to . That's apparently why Keanu Reeves is successful - his lack of expression makes it easy for people to imagine their face in that scene . Jack will usually wear a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up . His hair will be kind of messy . The secondary character will be a lady named Allison . She will be sexy and have tits and ass . Beyond this she will have no defining character traits . She will dress sexy . The subordinate male character will be Wally - he'll be the standard hornball dude character who sexually harasses all the women and is a total douche but gets the funny lines and the other characters tolerate for inexplicable reasons . He will wear a Cabo Wabo t-shirt and cargo pants . The subordinate female character will be Rachel . Despite bring in the gorgeous category in the real world she is not as attractive as Allison so the other characters will treat her like she's unappealing . She will act "crazy" because of this , but not real world crazy , sitcom crazy . She will wear secondary colors - green , purple , orange and sometimes pink because these colors are less palatable to the eye . Episode #1 - Josh (the main character's name has been changed to Josh) is supposed to compete in the BIG RACE tomorrow but UH OH his bike gets broken due to Wally's horseplay . Wally will hold up the handlebars and say "Well HERE'S your problem !" Rachel says she can use his bike and Allison tells her to "shut the fuck up !" They race around town trying to get the parts needed to fix the bike . There will be a funny scene where an old man who works at the bike store moves realty slowly . They get the parts just in time and Josh thanks them so much for helping them . Wait , he only thanks Allison because she missed her BIG DATE to do it . Josh being a bike racer is never mentioned again . Episode #2 - Josh notices that Rachel is sad because no guys like her . He says maybe she should be a lesbian - HUGE laughs . She says something about tacos - SUPER HUGE laughs . They have a MOMENT . Until Allison shows up looking SEXY when Josh humorously shoves Rachel down to get a better look at her . Wally appears and says he'd do bondage stuff to Rachel . She is disgusted . But then she looks like maybe she's into it MEGA SUPER HUGE laughs . Allison it looking SEXY because she has a BIG DATE . This makes Rachel more sad . Allison tells her how to look more SEXY . They have a MOMENT . Wally says they should kiss . OH WALLY ! Allison does not go on the BIG DATE so they can all go to a movie together instead to make Rachel not kill herself . Wally says they should go to the porno theater , OH WALLY ! Episode #3 - Josh is worried because he smoked a joint last night at a Fleetwood Mac concert and drug testing is tomorrow at work ! Wally says something kind of rapey about getting chicks high . Rachel says that works with guys too and everyone laughs until Allison smacks her across the face . "You're not pretty" she shouts in her face . They race around the city trying to buy clean urine in a variety of hilarious fashions . This is the only time a black character will appear on the show . Josh buys the clean urine but then his co-worker Jimmy asks "what's that" when he's trying to sneak it into work and Josh says "Its . . . . . . Mountain Dew . . . . . in a bag" MASSIVE LAUGHS . Jimmy drinks it . INSANE LAUGHS . He says its "pretty good" . BERSERK MEGA INSANE LAUGHS . Josh admits to his boss he smoked a joint . They have a MOMENT . The boss covers for him . At this point this show is picked up for a second season . CA-CHING ! Episode #4 - Wally "sexts" Allison . OH NO ! Allison is mad . Despite rebuking Wally's sexual advances in all previous episodes Rachel tries to get a look at the picture - Allison degrades her for wanting to see a penis . Allison cries on Josh's shoulder . They have a MOMENT . Josh confronts Wally who tries to play it off as a joke . Josh EMOTES . He is angry . Wally says he will apologize to Allison . His apology is just more sexual harassment but then he says "you're a great girl . . . and those cans are also great" . BIG LAUGHS . For some reason Allison accepts this apology and says "I can't stay mad at you Wally !" Final shot Rachel gets the phone and finally sees the picture . She gasps and puts her hand over her mouth - this means Wally has a HUGE COCK . Episode #5 - Allison's sister Queenie comes to town , she is also sexy with TITS AND ASS . She is more of a slut than Allison . Wally comes onto to her and she acts sexy back at him - he stammers and gets embarrassed and backs off . Wally is not really a horndog and is shy ?!?!?!?! Wally implies Rachel should suck him off . She is horrified . Balance is restored . Queenie wants to bang Josh . Allison says she can't . "Why do you like him ?" asks Queenie OOOOOOOOOOOOOH says the audience . Allison says that she doesn't , but she doesn't want to see him hurt either . Queenie agrees not to sleep with Josh but then she tries to anyway . Josh asks "Is Allison okay with this ?" Queenie says "yeah" . They start to make out but Josh says it doesn't feel right . Queenie says something homophobic . MEGA LAUGHS . Queenie will come back in season 2 married to NBA player Swaggy P . God this is exhausting . Episodes 6-13 will just be ripped off from Wings . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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Your workplace is SO WEIRD. No one ever talks about stuff like that where I work. Likely because they're all boring and don't have stuff like that to blab about, but still... Of course they probably think the same thing about me, and here I am on Arf Barf and Fetlife and hosting parties for crazy spankos.   
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