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Dominant: Do You Have The Right Stuff?
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Dominant: Do You Have The Right Stuff? When the average person thinks of the terms, Dominance and submission - D&s, Ds or D/s, images such as a Dominant/Master punishing his submissive/slave may come to mind. However, D/s is not about brutal or cruel actions. Instead, it is about a consensual power exchange between the two partners and is based upon trust and communication between the two. It is based on mutual respect in which exploration of the emotions is brought up by power exchange in a safe, sane and consensual manner. There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Self-Control If a person can't control him or herself (vices, emotions, tendency to act out), he or she will not be able to control another person. He or she will be too weak and self-indulgent to control another. Realistically, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive's actions, however much you may dislike them, are not about you. They are, rather, about her problem with submitting. Learning not to respond with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time will devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes. Stubbornness and Emotional Resilience When faced with the difficulties of training a submissive such as overcoming her confusion or resistance ‒ a situation which requires a great amount self-control and maturity on the dominant’s part, someone who thinks that they are dominant may wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never seriously questions this. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it. A dominants must actually be dominant (have a strong enough will) to get his needs met and to get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive's resistance in a way that enhances the relationship is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control. Responsibility “Owning” someone is a very serious matter. When you control another person and can do anything that you want to her, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant's responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it's much more than that. In terms of the seriousness, it's more like having a . You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your sub, you must make sure that the things that you do--or don't do--are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make will affect your submissive as well as yourself. You need to be able anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You're the one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don't work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders ‒ it is your responsibility and yours alone. Maturity A dominant must be mature enough to accept responsibility, even when things go wrong. A , on the other hand, blames others. Nothing is ever his fault. A mature person has patience and a willingness to wait for things to work out. Some things in power exchange take a time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective ‒ he doesn't see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn't working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn't love him. A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive’s emotional difficulties rule him and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive. A mature person tends to have calm, even personality that isn't rocked by every little incident that life throws at him. A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support--at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn't work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn't have to learn all of this by experimenting on you. Trustworthiness This is the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent ‒and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn't trustworthy just because he says he is. He's trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn't deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset. A safe word is usually given to the submissive partner to prevent the dominant from overstepping physical and emotional boundaries. The safe word is especially important when engaging in verbal humiliation or playing 'mind-games' because the submissive may not be aware of an emotional boundary until it is crossed. If an emotional boundary is breached and the safe word called, the dominant should cease all play immediately and discuss the emotional breach with the submissive in a tender and understanding manner. Negotiating limits in advance and respecting those limits is essential. Experience and Knowledge A true dominant does not wake up one morning and decide that he is now a dominant. The learning curve is VERY steep! Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistance (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists) and how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge and/or experience. For most people, this is not a natural state. It is imperative that a dominant knows what he is doing‒which activities are safe and which could put a submissive in danger (physically or psychologically), understands how to get to know his submissive--to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her and knows how to keep her happily and enthusiastically serving him. It takes both learning (research, observation, etc.) and experience (own, others) ‒ both of which some refuse to partake in. AKA  |
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I do  I'm also a firm believe that you should experience BOTH sides in order to become a good dom. It gives you great insight and appreciation. I fill the bill so.... -tm
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