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Blogs > hotdreamer1000 > While I was Dreaming

Why do I Struggle with Relationship Sex?  

hotdreamer1000 64M
8675 posts
2/27/2017 1:40 pm

Last Read:
3/14/2017 4:15 am
Why do I Struggle with Relationship Sex?

Someone asked me question the other day which lead me to put my feelings into words in a way I have not managed so well for some time.

I was trying to explain why it is that I struggle to maintain interest in sex within a long term relationship. And it isn't that I fall out of love, or like to play the field or simply need variety, or any of those other clichéd, but possibly quite real reasons men are often accused of suffering from.

I can only say that I seem to have a problem with the kind routine run-of-the-mill sex I think most of us assume many couples who stay together past the initial falling in love stage end up having. And I am partly to blame for not being keen to sort that problem out when it occurs. I am not absolutely sure why, but I almost get embarrassed by sex once I get into a longer relationship. I have even seen the effect happening to me here on this site. As I become more friendly with, and better known to my blogging friends here, I not only feel less inclined to share sexual secrets and fantasies, I also find it harder to be sexually interested in the blogs too.

This doesn't happen to me with all relationships - I have had some which stayed red-hot, but I need someone who makes some of the effort to be sexy for me to be keen. I seem to need that kind of slightly-out-of-control-turned-on feeling to really enjoy sex, or to uninhibitedly enjoy it, and I definitely need the other person to be really into it too. Otherwise I tend to lose interest completely and not want sex with that person at all. But I am perfectly capable of carrying on loving that person, and not wanting to be single again. Neither would I feel comfortable in an open relationship, or by cheating. But I sometimes get monumentally frustrated.

I suppose it may be why the fantasy of some kind of long term Willing Gift girl friend-with-benefits who wants me, cares about me, but isn't demanding in relationship type ways is such a seductive fantasy for me.

The whole thing is a complex kind of emotional mind-trap I suppose, which is probably why I have so far found no way to stop it recurring.

MyNameIsKay 62F  
11887 posts
3/4/2017 6:49 pm

 I understand about losing the anonymity with the blogging community once you become more friendly with those that watch your blog. Time does eventually fix that I think. With me, I was the one that changed over time. Maybe it's just that I got more comfortable with being less anonymous.

My marriage did somewhat have less then "red-hot" sex. I was with him for 20 years. But we did have sex 3 times a week more often than not. If he wanted something different or more, he never said so. I liked it just fine the way it was. In retrospect, it was quite the boring bedroom, and I'd never go back to it. I describe my ex and I as sexually naive in the bedroom.

To be carefree with someone who only wants you for sex, or as an FWB, does have its allure. They are not involved in the daily mud of life that we all trudge through but are seen as a relief or release from the daily grind. My FWB is still as fun for me as he was in the beginning. Known him for 5 years. I don't get to see him much anymore, which neither of us likes, but we do still have quite the fire when we are together.

But then again, we don't have that bond of being a couple moving through life together either. I really miss that...someone to share the journey with all the time.

Quite the introspective post for you I'd say...
Swim...Bike...Done


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
3/6/2017 12:05 pm
    Quoting MyNameIsKay:
    I understand about losing the anonymity with the blogging community once you become more friendly with those that watch your blog. Time does eventually fix that I think. With me, I was the one that changed over time. Maybe it's just that I got more comfortable with being less anonymous.

    My marriage did somewhat have less then "red-hot" sex. I was with him for 20 years. But we did have sex 3 times a week more often than not. If he wanted something different or more, he never said so. I liked it just fine the way it was. In retrospect, it was quite the boring bedroom, and I'd never go back to it. I describe my ex and I as sexually naive in the bedroom.

    To be carefree with someone who only wants you for sex, or as an FWB, does have its allure. They are not involved in the daily mud of life that we all trudge through but are seen as a relief or release from the daily grind. My FWB is still as fun for me as he was in the beginning. Known him for 5 years. I don't get to see him much anymore, which neither of us likes, but we do still have quite the fire when we are together.

    But then again, we don't have that bond of being a couple moving through life together either. I really miss that...someone to share the journey with all the time.

    Quite the introspective post for you I'd say...
Yeah, I guess. I don't know....there's introspection in a lot of my posts if you look out for it!

Thanks for your comment, I find it is good to share these things and I'm glad you understand what I am saying. I envy you your FWB....but only up to a point, and however alluring it might be, I'm not sure I could make it work for me.


stormyroses 40F
1620 posts
3/10/2017 10:10 am

 I really want to respond to this post, because a lot of it resonates with me, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order.

I'm curious: is the idea of a willing FWB who "isn't demanding in relationship type ways" something that appeals to you only in fantasy, or is it what you're looking for?
Do not seek an external refuge, but be a light unto yourself.

"Be the change you want to see."

HalfNekkid Wednesday Peekaboo


Violette001 51F
4619 posts
3/13/2017 8:39 am

 interesting. i was pondering the same thoughts earlier. actually, for a few days now. there was a collection of posts, answering a question of what turned them off sexually. and amongst a lot of gory replies, there was one that was different and stood out. she was waiting for her boyfriend, and they were going to have some super hot sex, but, before he got to the couch, the puppy did. the puppy laid it's little head on her feet, sighed and went to sleep. She said, it was so cute and adorable that it drove all thoughts of sex from her mind. And that's what started me thinking about all the good stuff in life, that is not compatible with sexual thoughts.

And i began to wonder if... familiarity and constant companionship... is one of those good things...? i don't know. but maybe it is. it's a different way to relate to each other.
"Do not put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"
--Author Unknown


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
3/14/2017 4:12 am
    Quoting stormyroses:
    I really want to respond to this post, because a lot of it resonates with me, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order.

    I'm curious: is the idea of a willing FWB who "isn't demanding in relationship type ways" something that appeals to you only in fantasy, or is it what you're looking for?
You're having trouble getting your thoughts in order!!???

That's a really big question Stormy. Actually the "isn't demanding in a relationship way" phrase doesn't quite convey my meaning as I wanted it to, but I think you get it anyway. And no, I'm not looking for it, although I like the idea of it happening. Well, I'm looking for it in the same way you might be looking for a brand new car, even though really you weren't planning to buy one. I like the looking, but most of the time I think I am pretty much trying to avoid the temptation! Except that I would like it to happen. Only then I think I might not cope with it very well, and I don't like the look of the potential consequenses! (Dreamer? Over analysing much? Surely not..... )


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
3/14/2017 4:15 am
    Quoting Violette001:
    interesting. i was pondering the same thoughts earlier. actually, for a few days now. there was a collection of posts, answering a question of what turned them off sexually. and amongst a lot of gory replies, there was one that was different and stood out. she was waiting for her boyfriend, and they were going to have some super hot sex, but, before he got to the couch, the puppy did. the puppy laid it's little head on her feet, sighed and went to sleep. She said, it was so cute and adorable that it drove all thoughts of sex from her mind. And that's what started me thinking about all the good stuff in life, that is not compatible with sexual thoughts.

    And i began to wonder if... familiarity and constant companionship... is one of those good things...? i don't know. but maybe it is. it's a different way to relate to each other.
Wow....this is actually quite close to the truth I think V. I mean, not quite exactly it, but close. Familiarity, companionship; good yes, but sometimes maybe they are like a puppy at your feet.


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