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Jokes
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Jokes One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it" "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f****** beautiful!" **** Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore genitals and a behind full of quarters." **** An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little b******!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his di** off!" he shouts "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have di***." "How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT." **** what does a slut say when her asks herhow to spell penis? "I wish you'd asked me last night,when it was on the tip of my tongue." *** A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up." **** Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two" **** I sent an Angel to watch over you last night, it returned in a hurry. I asked why, it said "Angels can't watch porn." Thanks for fucking traumatizing my fucking Angel! Don't bother trying to figure me out. Not even the little voices in my head understand me. It's pointless! |
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Good stuff. It made me chuckle. Always enjoy your blog. Embrace the suck
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