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Hip, Trendy Youth Counselor Not So Hip And Trendy After Hair Loss
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Hip, Trendy Youth Counselor Not So Hip And Trendy After Hair Loss “I kinda knew Dave would be trouble when I hired him a couple years back”, the 24 year old Student Advisor and recreational skateboarder told reporters last Monday as he ran his hand through his blue dyed hair. “I mean, he was like…a few years older than the rest of us and when you’re trying to recruit from high school to join your college its best to be sportin’ a youthful, energetic, positive image. You know?” Josh Brolin has been a Youth Counselor at Amhurst State College for three years now and has been tasked with hiring other counselors to accommodate the school’s growing student population. “I didn’t want to hire him”, Josh continued, “but he had a positive attitude, he seemed to be hip to youth culture and lingo, he wore pretty cool threads, and he really needed the job. While his hair was thinning, it wasn’t completely gone-zo back then and plus the other younger candidates I was interviewing at the time practically shit a brick when I told them they had to be here everyday by 8am. I pretty much had no choice but to hire Dave.” Josh and the other Youth Counselors, Steve and Caitlin reflected on the incidents that eventually led to the 41 year olds demise. “he seemed pretty fly at first,” chimed in 22 year old Steve. “He talked the talk and he actually had mad guitar skills for an old dude,” he continued, ”but over the past couple years his hairline just receded back to the chrome-dome he has now, and with it, his youth recruitment skills went down the fucking crapper.” “Yeah,” Josh chipped in, “his student population, S-Z has the lowest retention rate out of all of us. I think he just creeps out potential students with his stupid bald head.” “He totally creeps me out,” said Caitlin, the multi-tattooed, pierced youth counselor and at 19, the youngest. “Remember that one time we were like all driving to Brighton High School on a recruitment vigil?” He starts talking some creepy shiznit in the car about wanting to have a rock garden someday and how he’d sometimes rather read a book than go to a rave. That was like totally fucking creepy and uncalled for!” “ I know, right! What was the dealio with that?,” said Steve. Then there was that time he wanted to join my band, Boba Fetish. I mean, granted, the dude can thrash on guitar like nobody’s bizsnatch, but…you know…maybe it’s a little pretentious to think this way right now as we’re just an unsigned garage band, but when we get famous someday, I wanna be able to bang all the hot bitches I want without some old fart in the band cramping our style. He sure talks the talk, but he don’t walk the walk…especially when he‘s complaining about his aching back. I‘m not saying as a youth counselor you‘ve got to live la vida loca to the extreme, but your students like to see that you can shred with the best of ‘em in the skate park or maybe even tear it up in the mosh pit. The only thing Dave can tear up is his pants while bending over!” Distaste for the rapidly balding youth counselor came to a crescendo during an unfortunate find in his desk drawer one day. The younger counselors relayed the shameful details of the event to reporters. “oh, one time,” reflected Caitlin, “I needed a couple of extra recruitment forms and I knew Dave had a few in his top drawer. So I head on into his office while he was away at lunch and opened the drawer. I figured…what the fuck, he wasn’t going to know. So right up there in the front was a bunch of CDs he borrowed from Josh. They were all the usual cool bands, you know…Arctic Monkeys, Deathcab for Cutie, Snow Patrol, Greenday…but tucked all the way in the back…Oh my God! I couldn’t fucking believe it! He had these Kenny G and Yanni Cds! I was like…ewwww, GROSS! I felt soooo dirty. Oh my God! Not only was this guy old, but he was also lame! I like had to show Josh!” “Yeah, that was a major turning point for all of us,” chimed Josh, “that’s when I knew I had to step in and do something about it. I mean, what he does in his own home is his own bizsnatch, but if any potential student heard him play any of those lame-ass CDs then not want to come to our school because of it…we’d have a major problem on our hands. I knew I had to give him the axe and man, was it ever the hardest shit I ever had to do. He didn’t take it well at all.” Josh, Steve, and Caitlin reflected on the fateful day that bald Dave was reluctantly relieved of his job. “He said What up, Dawg when I called him into my office. I remember that clearly,” Josh reflected while nervously toying with the beer bottle caps adorning his very hip and trendy belt. “I told him about how his retention rate was the lowest of all of us and I told him what we all felt about him being older and balder than the rest of us and that we found the lame-ass Cds in his drawer and we had to let him go.” Josh paused for several moments seemingly struggling to choke back tears, then continued. “Fo’ Shizzle? was all he could get out before he started weeping right there in my office. Fo, Shizzle, Bro, was all I could return with before I had to turn away to look out the window. Otherwise I’d be right there crying with him.” After a long pause, Josh stated in a choked up, quivering voice that it sure is hard to let someone go, even if his head looks like a Ban roll-on deodorant stick. “Yeah, dude. He didn’t take that shit well at all“, Steve reminisced. “He comes out of Josh’s office bawling like a little bitch. Then he clings to his desk crying some shiznit about how he can’t and won’t go. And how hard life was for him after the divorce and was talking some shit about his mortgage, whatever that is.” “Old people suck! They always have such stupid problems!”, Caitlin announced, who at the time of this interview, didn’t know she was pregnant with Steve’s baby. “If I ever get fired from this place,” said Steve, “sure it would suck ass, but I’d just get a job somewhere else. I’d work at Starbucks or something. Maybe put out a demo CD and go on tour with my band and score some mucho hot bitches. And why would he cling to this shitty job anyway? He was only making like 17 grand. That’s hardly any scratch at all for an oldster like him.” “It’s a little different for a dude like Dave,” Josh explained while running his fingers through his blue mop top. The only experience he ever had before coming here was youth and hip culture. He worked at The Gap, a couple of record shops in the mall and he passed out flyers for some night club. Now as he is a few years older and with his chrome-dome, them places won’t take him back. No other department in the school would take him. Not Admissions or Registration as they’re all wanting to keep their youthful image and he has no experience for the higher up jobs. While he may look like the Dean of Enrollment, he don’t got the skillz to pay the billz.” “That probably explains why we had to get the security guards to his dumb ass outta here,” stated Caitlin. “They tried to pry his fingers from clutching his desk and he was screaming and crying and making a big fucking scene. Security then had to call the cops. The fucking cops came and pulled him out of his office kicking and screaming. He clutched onto a pile of recruitment forms from his desk and held them tight to his chest. They finally got him outside and beat the fuck out of him against the hood of some dude’s car. They had to punch him in the stomach just to get him to shut up. Still he kept coming back screaming and crying and begging the cops, who were beating him senseless, if they would please give him a job. Finally, they blasted him with a fucking fire hose with wet recruitment forms flying all over the goddamned place. What a fucking scene that was!” “Yes, that happened while Steve was giving a guided tour to a bunch of potential students”, Josh said. “I think our retention rate dropped like 10% just that day alone. At least that was the last time he effected our retention rate.” “What a fucking prick!,” Caitlin told our reporters. “Nothing can ever happen in my life to make me that lame and desperate. Nothing! Old people are just fucked up!” “Yes, agreed,” chimed in Steve, smiling at his co-worker and occasional fuck buddy. “Nothing can ever happen to make me that lame and desperate, either.” After several months of trying to become gainfully employed at record shops and night clubs all over town, Dave “Chrome-Dome” Duncan was last seen in an ally somewhere behind campus, drinking shampoo, clutching dirty and wrinkled recruitment forms in his hand, clinging to his dreams.  |
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ok something weird is going on I commented about 10 minutes ago and now it is gone it was still there when I backspaced to it.jeezz ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I thought the trend was for all the young men to shave their heads anyway... I guess I am more clueless than I realized. what a bunch of self centered 'generation nota' that we have now. no wonder all the jobs are being outsourced and the literacy rate is dropping. it is all the parnets and college student advisors fault... Great Expose' ...Atomic ....m. we will try this again
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4/23/2006 4:15 pm |
Good to see you writing! Not sure whether to feel sorrier for Dave, or the 20-somethings who are afraid of anything outside their own experience, and who victimize him. Where does YOUR sympathy lay?
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OOOO.KKKKKK. That was interesting.I guess if everyone would quit trying to be someone else or trying to live up to others expectations we would have a world of real people,damn that wouldn't do would it! 
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4/24/2006 10:08 pm |
Poor Dave..
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______Old people suck. Hey, wait a minute...I'm old.
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_____I'm bald? OH MY GOD. I AM BALD!!! EEK!!!!
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