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Japan Readies Godzilla For Battle Against North Korea
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Japan Readies Godzilla For Battle Against North Korea Tokyo just can’t get a break. It seems every couple of years or so, Godzilla is awoken for some reason from what is supposed to be his eternal slumber and takes out his wrath on Japan’s coastal metropolis. Sure, Godzilla works for the greater good for the most part, fighting against evil mega-monsters such as Mothra, Rodan and Ghidrah, but the ensuing battles repeatedly wreak havoc and destruction on the citizens and architecture of Japan’s beautiful city of Tokyo. Cries of “Awwwww! Gojira attacking city again!” can be heard all over town as the 25,000 metric ton lizard tramples down skyscrapers as if they were merely kindling, leaving unfathomable destruction in its wake. Since 1954, Godzilla has battled evil giant monsters resulting in the production of nearly 30 blockbuster movies, each with totally rad fights, unbelievable action, and increasingly balls out bitchin’ special effects but at great costs to Japan’s population, economy and overall well being. When Godzilla is not attacking the tech-savvy city of Tokyo, he sleeps beneath the depths of the Sea of Japan and scores of movie sequels have proven that it just isn’t a good idea to wake up the slumbering beast. But with recent developments in North Korea, Japanese scientists may very well have the answer to their own, and consequently most of the world’s problems. North Korea lies just West of Japan across the Sea of Japan and the country’s dictator, Kim Jong-Il, well known for his brazen demeanor, uncalculated risky decision making, and jarhead haircut has declared that he has spent most of his country’s gross national product on successfully testing a nuclear device earlier this month. He has threatened to demonstrate his nuclear prowess on any country not congruent to his way of thinking and this news has put most of the world on edge. “This is why we must plead the assistance of Godzilla,” Japanese scientist, Tachashi Yamaguchi told our reporters last Wednesday, then continued in nearly perfect English,” I mean, who but the biggest and baddest motherfucker on the planet is more qualified to take down this most unpredictable dictator?” Yamaguchi san’s plan is simple. “We detonate underwater depth charges near where Godzilla is known to be hibernating,” the scientist explained. “The shockwave ought to wake up Godzilla and put him in a most foul mood. This had proven to have worked in the movies Godzilla vs. Megalon and also in Godzilla: Final Wars.” Then continued, “but we have learned from 30 or so mistakes and this time Godzilla will not take out his rage on Tokyo. Our Japanese military officials have already scattered the urine of Ghidrah; Godzilla’s mortal enemy, all over North Korea and particularly around Kim Jong-Il’s palace just last weekend. What is so good about that,” he went on, “is the citizens of North Korea don’t detect any difference in odor as the place smells like rancid monster piss anyway. But Godzilla will detect the scent of our bait upon waking and head West toward North Korea. I can assure you, they will never be able to retaliate against Godzilla’s legendary atomic fire beams and devastating swinging tail.” Japanese officials are calling this crafty maneuver, “Operation: Eat Shitake” and assuredly film crews will follow the monster as he destroys North Korea. The working title of the upcoming blockbuster will be “Godzilla vs. Mothra and Kim Jong-Il. It is believed that Godzilla can handle the task of toppling Jong-Il’s empire himself, but if further assistance is needed, Japan is prepared to summon Godzilla’s occasional kaiju allies such as Gamora, Anguirus, and Jet Jaguar. Everyone is thrilled with Yamaguchi san’s plan, even Texas oil tycoon, Chet McGraw who is visiting Japan on business. Like all Americans, Chet is a billionaire, wears a cowboy hat, speaks loudly and has a blatant disregard for all foreign cultures, but even he had good things to say about the situation. “Them Jap fellas have a pretty good thing going, I’ll tell you what!”, he said in his Texas drawl, “It’ll be a day in hell when that big-ass monster shows Kim Jong-Il who’s boss, I guarantee it! I’m happier than a pig in shit! YEEEEEHAAAAWWW!!’” Chet then yelled out while un-holstering two six shooters and firing them into the air. Yuki Omura, who is studying Godzilla and other huge monsters at Tokyo’s Waseda University also had many good things to say about the situation…or so we think. “Gojira is full of meat,” she told us. “Im rikey Gojira too much. Gojira big, big pee-pee surprise”, then added, “me love you long time.” Like all Japanese women, Yuki wore a tight school girl’s outfit, had doe-like eyes too big for an Asian chick, and unbelievably huge breasts. She also gave our reporters a discount on a massage with a happy ending.  |
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10/28/2006 3:46 am |
I've said it before but it always bears repeating to YOU -- you are one sick dude!   That's why you stay on my watched list, I'm sure!
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10/28/2006 4:53 am |
Right now people around the world are running around in circles, pulling their hair and wringing their hands over North Korea's reported underground atomic-bomb test, when it ought to be the subject of late-night television comedians. In the old days opposing armies faced each other in an open field, war, paint on their faces, feathers in their helmets, rattling their shields and making rude comments about their opponents' manhood. Today global leaders rattle their ballistic missiles and nuclear weapons rather than spears and battle-axes, but it is still a macho world. And in macho terms, Kim Jong-il is a man who literally can't get it up. God help us if he may live to be 100. Then everybody will be finding excuses to ignore and look away. Would be funny if it was not so horrible. Godzilla will prevail, of that I'm sure!!
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where did they get all this rancid monster urine??? lol you have such an endless imagination.. let them eat shitake!!! my money is on the Legendary Atomic Fireballs.... and the Legendary Atomic Artist!!! I got you babe... tenderhugs...m.
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They never can leave well enough a lone,can they!!!!   See ya AtomicRAWHIDE
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You know, if they can get Gozilla to team up with Mothra, they shall be unstoppable!
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but Mothra has always been bad. Jet Jaguar, Anguirus, and Gamora has been Godzilla's allies. they should do well...especially Gamora. How can you go wrong with that?
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10/30/2006 10:00 am |
Poor Godzilla is just misunderstood I tell you. has anyone bothered to actually interview that wonerful wonderful creature that has saved tokyo time and time again? No. Why? you ask. Simple if they did they would find out that Godzilla is just a cranky old monster thats coming out to scare away all those damn kids making too much noise with their kung fu fighting. That's right get an interpreter sometime to translate the might Gojira. He is saying get off my lawn. It's 2 o'clock in the morning! I'm going to call the cops! I need my sleep! And now they're gonna wake him up for those pet eating koreans. Well at least we know the cats and dogs of Korea will thank the misunderstood hero for a job well done! And be eating well for a good year! `Velvet Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.
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_____I've read that there are infinite universes and in one of these infinite universes, your scenario may play out.
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