Jingle Sex - a Blog Post by keithcancook

7834 posts
11/29/2015 5:51 am

Jingle Sex

Hello bloggers! Welcome to the 14th Virtual Symposium (FIRST DATES) as presented by The Venting Blog. This piece of fiction has woven into it some 66 slogans and jingles from commercials airing on American television from the 1960's to the present. If you like, for shits and giggles try to find them all, and match the slogan with the product. Keep score, and rate your memory against your fellow bloggers. To help you out, I have posted all of the sponsors at the beginning of the story. A few of the slogans have been slightly twisted, but hopefully not bent out of all recognition. Obviously, only bloggers familiar with American television will be able to make much sense of this. For my international friends, I apologize. If y'all read this anyway, consider it to be really really bad erotica. I know that is how I consider it. Ha!

P.S. I will post all the sponsors with their matching slogans/jingles in their order of appearance as a comment inside this post. You can use that to cheat if you prefer...

TIMEX
HAWAIIAN PUNCH
ALKA SELTZER (3x)
STARKIST
FOLGERS COFFEE
YELLOW PAGES
CAMEL CIGARETTES
RICE-A-RONI
MASTER CARD
ARMOR HOT DOGS
US FOREST SERVICE
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
TOOTSIE ROLL POPS
CLAIROL HAIR COLOR
PAUL MASSON WINES
US NAVY
SCHLITZ BEER
VISENE EYE WASH
UNITED AIRLINES
RIGHT GUARD DEODORANT
DIAL SOAP
PALMOLIVE DISH SOAP
CAPITAL ONE
CERTS BREATH MINTS
BUSH'S BAKED BEANS
SCHLITZ BEER
VERIZON WIRELESS
ENERGIZER BATTERIES
THE AMERICAN EGG BOARD
EF HUTTON
LAY'S POTATO CHIPS
BUTTERFINGER CANDY BAR
QUAKE and QUISP CEREALS
NATIONAL AIRLINES
CHESTERFIELD 101 CIGARETTES
MILLER LITE BEER
GERITOL IRON SUPPLEMENT
NYQUIL
VICKS FORMULA 44 COUGH SYRUP
BOUNTY PAPER TOWELS
BLACK FLAG ROACH MOTEL
BUDWEISER BEER
MASTER CARD
ALMOND JOY & MOUNDS CANDY BARS
ENGLISH LEATHER COLOGNE
TARYTON CIGARETTES
ROLAIDS ANTACID
SECRET DEODORANT
BLACK FLAG ROACH MOTEL
NAIR HAIR REMOVAL CREAM
CHIFFON MARGERINE
BRYLCREEM MEN'S HAIR GEL
STATE FARM INSURANCE
FORD
IRISH SPRING SOAP
PLAYTEX BRAS
SHAKE AND BAKE
VIRGINIA SLIMS CIGARETTES
CHICKEN OF THE SEA
ROTO-ROOTER
MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE
LIFE CEREAL
BURGER KING
KAY JEWELERS
CLAIROL LOVING CARE
GEICO INSURANCE

Now. Roll that beautiful bean footage...

Mmm. Morning. Dreamy, dewy dawn. Feminine fingers gently groping me. How pleasant. Yanno, the best part of waking up is fingers in my cup. Who was she? This woman lying naked next to me? I had met her in a dive in the heart of the city. Had she said she was from out west? Yes, somewhere in Cali. Northern, I now guessed. I looked her over as she fondled me, her eyes still closed. I've had lots of California girls... This was not some Los Angelina tortilla. She was nice and tony, a San Francisco treat. But how the fuck did she end up here?

Like a herd of drunken turtles inching uphill, my brain stumbled into awareness. It had started out as just another typical horny night. Except I had thought, "Why fight it?" For love or money, I was gonna score. It wasn't like I was in a hurry, but I wanted relief and I needed a quicker picker-upper on this night. I directed my feet towards the neighborhood dive, and went inside. I remembered what my big brother used to say. He'd say "Mikey, women are like tuna." Then he'd sorta sing "Ask any barmaid you happen to see what's the best poonta, Check-her-buns and see." He never did explain how women and tuna were alike, but I started for the bar anyway. Before I got there, I encountered a most interesting looking woman.

She was standing under the red EXIT sign to the right of the bar. The soft red glow fought to find it's way through the smokey haze to glisten off her dark auburn hair. Her light-washed denim skinnys wore like a dolphin's skin. Black ankle booties supported her long frame. A crimson chiffon blouse and dark leather jacket completed her attire. I watched as a parade of men hit on her. She shot down every one. It was like that hotel for failed pick-up lines. Approaches check in, but they don't check out.

Behind her, and a little off to the side stood a naked Argentine. He was collared, and one end of his chain dangled from the ring at his neck. The other end was held by this most intriguing woman. My opening to her was instantly obvious. "Say, what's with the chained-naked-Argentine?" I asked. She peered at me through half-lidded eyes and replied huskily, "All of my men wear English Leather… or they wear nothing at all!" "It figures," I grunted. "It's always about the Falklands with those guys."

She gave me a sort of quizzical look, nodded towards the man at the end of her chain, and said "Okay, this stud's for you."

"Sorry, you'll have to lose the Argentine." I replied. "I don't play well with with brothers, and I'd rather fight than switch at this point. Say, is that dainty little chain gonna hold him?"

"Aye. It'll hold him. It's strong enough for a man... but made for a woman."

"Manly, yes. But I like it too." the Argentine interjected.

That was apparent. It was made for a woman. The chain complimented her bling, which glistened from the rubies on her ears, along her bracelet laced arms with ring laden fingers, and finishing with rock dotted booties. She was a knockout, and she knew it. She looked me over and said, "Hey, how about a nice Hawaiian Punch?" "Sure" I replied. Smacked me right on the nose, she did. That was all it took. Cupid's arrow had struck. I wanted her, and I wanted her bad. I'd have walked a mile for the camel toe I saw pressed into those pants. What a camel toe it was, too. Meaty and magnificent!

She said if anything, she was a slattern. Nothing, but a slutton. She was free, she told me, and a little hard of hearing. WTF? Free? Did she mean her carefree spirit, or that her booty didn't cost? So I asked her. What happened next was a bit strange. She opened her mouth, and said "I think.." As she spoke the words, a complete hush fell on the noisy bar, and every head turned her way. Intent anticipation on every upturned face... Huh? ... ... Oh, that's right. Duh! Everybody knows that when free deaf sluttons speak, people listen.

It was true, even though the bar was a lot loud she was obviously a little deaf. We were reduced to writing much of our conversation down on the bar napkins in order to communicate. She wasn't much of a speller, so when she asked me how do I spell "relief" I didn't give her the correct spelling of R-O-L-A-I-D-S. I wrote down B-L-O-W - J-O-B.She was classy, too. When I offered her cash for the blow job she said "There's some things that money can't buy... For everything else, there's Master Card. "What's in your wallet?" She took my plastic, and led me to the back of the bar.

"What's your name, baby?" I asked her.

"They call me Jingle," she replied. And indeed, there was a musical quality to her voice. "What's yours?"

"Armor. Mike Armor. They call me Long John."

"A john you are, we'll see how long," she stated.

I told her that I was a bit sensitive when it came to someone seeing my dick for the first time. "Don't be mean." She unzipped me, and quickly drew me out. She sucked in her breath when she saw my long john. "Oh! It's almost as big as George Costanza's!" she exclaimed, feigning excitement.

"Even on a cold day?" I asked.

"Even. I think you are a silly millimeter longer, actually. She began singing softly. “Hot dogs!.. Armor's Hot dog!.. What kind of likes Armor's hot dog?.. Big whores, little whores, whores who climb on rocks!.. Fat whores, skinny whores, ... even whores with chicken pox like that hot dog! Armor's hot dog!.. The whores love to bite!” Filled with new found confidence, I thought to myself "I'm gonna cum in her mouth. Anything less, would be uncivilized."

She was no dummy, oh no. Not this one. I had tried to get her to slip a finger up my ass when she blew me, but she pulled back and exclaimed "That's two! Two! Two acts for one!" She was game, but it was gonna cost me. She was good, but I decided not to cum, so I only let her get a few licks in. She understood, and gave me a sly little wink. Sometimes you feel like a nut - sometimes you don't. I told her I was gonna save it for later. She tossed me an apple and told me to eat it. "I prefer the semen of a man with fruit in his diet. It tastes great! Less filling, too!" "Now take me to your place and fuck me. Have you driven a , lately?"

"Well no." I replied. "I have never driven a ever.

"Oh really?" she said. "Then you've never called Roto-Cooter, have you?"

"Roto-Cooter?"

"Oh yes. 'Call Roto-Cooter that's the name, and away go troubles down our drain! Roto-Cooter...' We are a public service, in case you hadn't heard."

"Yeah. A very old public service by all reports." I observed.

This was my first date with a , and I wasn't sure what to expect. Are you supposed to go down on whores? Seemed like an iffy proposition to me, but wtf do I know? I like eating pussy. I wondered what was in HER diet? While she was classy and all, I knew that I didn't want poonta with good taste. I wanted poonta that tastes good! We left the bar, and were at my place in no time. Once in the bedroom she quickly shed her clothing. Her breasts were beautiful, ripe and inviting. "Betcha can't eat just one!" she teased. "That's not all I intend on eating," I promised. Plus, I wanna do all sorts of stuff with you tonight. Do you have any limits, or... Suddenly she burst into song... "Have me your way, have me your way. Hold the tickle add some fetish, special orders don't upset us, all we ask is that you let us do you your waaaay..."

As she finished her ditty with a flourish I began removing my clothes. When I took off my trousers she laughed at my tidy whiteys. "Who wears short shorts?" she teased.

"I wear short shorts. keithcancook can keep his boxers."

"He doesn't keep em long when he's with me, babycakes" she laughed.

I was not amused by her kidding. I'm always hearing about that dude I thought, and I'm sick of it. Like a bad neighbor, that cook's always there. Besides, I like the way jockeys support my balls. Lifts and separates. No bunching up on one side.

I stood in front of her naked. She got on her knees and surveyed the situation. She marveled at my balls. Thought they looked finger lickin good, she did. "So, how many licks does it take to make your tootsie go 'pop'?" she asked. She reached for my dick once more, then began nuzzling, kissing and softly slurping it. She was kinda cooing and humming as she did so. I couldn't help myself and and a little spittle escaped through my moans and landed on her nose. She looked up at me, not a little cross, and muttered "It's not nice to drool on Mother Nurture."

That musta set me off, cuz I began spurting. She quickly returned her lips to my erupting cock, and her cheeks puffed out with the force of my blast. She swallowed it all. "My god!" she declared. "What a load! I can't believe I ate the whole thing!" With a satisfied smile she wiped the corner of her mouth with a finger and licked it off. "Ahh, good to the last drop" she sighed contentedly.

"Not all", I told her. "There's still some spunk that spewed on your head." It was true, there were little pearls of cum beading up here and there in her hair. She excused herself saying "I'll be right back. I'm gonna wash that spray right outa my hair." When she returned I asked her what the stethoscope and anal probe were for. That was when I found out that she was a cam queen. She said "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."

She lay back on the bed, relaxing. My eyes were fixed on the lushness between her legs. She was a hairy one, and I began to harden again as I watched her. I thought back to the first time I ate pussy. My two older brothers had some girl up in their room. I overheard them talking about eating her, which seemed cannibalistic and gross to my young mind. I heard my oldest brother say, "Now you gotta put your face down there and lick on it. It's supposed to be good for you."

"I'm not gonna try it. You try it." my other brother responded.

"I'm not gonna try it. Let's get Mikey. He won't eat it. He hates everything."

That's when they dragged me into the room. There she was. Spread out with her pants still dangling off one ankle. A dark hairy bush between her legs. I jumped in with gusto, licking and slurping for all I was worth. "He likes it! Hey Mikey!" ... ah, those were the days.

I looked at Jingle. Her hair color was so natural, yet her bush...? I wondered. Does she, or doesn't she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure, I suppose. All I know is that I was gonna eat that stuff. Get a little head start on breakfast. Yeah. Get down deep in that muff. I rolled out the full length of my tongue inside her and there it was. The incredible, edible egg. Mmm. Yummy... She was getting into it. Her ecstatic moans were so intense I felt them vibrating her pussy lips. She spread her legs as wide as they would go, grabbed me by the ears and began rolling her hips into my face as she groaned "Fly the friendly thighs, lover."

"How bout you let my fingers do some walking" I queried, as I thrust a couple into her sopping cunny just under my lapping lips. That seemed to inspire her, and she began bucking wildly.She was grinding into my face with such vigor I thought her thick bush would burst into flames. She musta read my mind as she grunted through clenched teeth "only you can prevent forest fires" and kept on grinding. The fragrance of her pussy as she came in my mouth was incredibly pungent, and I felt my concentration crumbling in the over-wash of her orgasm. It was a flood. Mama mia! That's a spicy meat-a-ball. She was gushing with such volume I couldn't keep up, and juices washed over my face.

As we lay together resting a bit, I asked her what was up with all that fluid. She replied that she was feeling full, and then "yanno, every piss begins with spray..." She got up and walked over to the bathroom, leaving me to wonder what I was just eating. I saw her sit down on the seat, and I could hear her softly singing over the sound of objects making a splashdown in the toilet bowl... "plop plop whiz whiz, oh what a relief it is." Yeah, she was classy, alright.

When she was finished, she rejoined me on the bed, laying back and spreading her legs. Her signal I suppose, to commence to fucking. I sat up and unwrapped a rubber. As I slipped it on she said, "Aren't you glad you use condoms. Don't you wish everybody did? Not all johns do, yanno." Then, before I could reply she added, "Being a ... It's not just a job. It's an adventure." Yes, I thought, nodding in agreement. (Gawd. Was I really down there lapping it up?

Yikes!)

I got her up on her knees. I wanted her from behind, and I took her like that. She pushed back on me and moaned. I held still, as her pussy gripped me tightly. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, she began to move on my dick. It was heavenly. She picked up the pace, and was soon thrusting with abandon, impaling herself upon me. "You're like the Energizer bunny. You keep going and going. "Nuh, nuh no" she moaned as we thrust at each other in syncopatic rhythm. "I keep cumming and cumming and... Oh! ohhhhh!" She was multi-orgasmic, and shuddered for several minutes. "You've cum a long way, baby!" I praised her. I smacked her ass hard, watching as it reddened. She was a tough old slut. She could take a licking and keep on ticking! But she was too quiet, and I told her so. I like my sluts sounding off. Next thing I know she's screaming, and giving me an evil eye over her shoulder..."CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?".

I stuck a finger in her ass, and she immediately put her head to the bed. That put her ass up in the air, and I heard her mutter "Do you wanna ass fuck me, honey? C'mon. It's so easy, a caveman could do it. "I did want to ass fuck her. She had just taken a dump, and I thought "when you're out of shits you're out of fear. So I gave it a shot, and put the pump to the rump. Soon I was cumming deep in her butt...

Afterwards, as we rested, I asked her what did she want for breakfast? "Get Quake" she said. Ugh! Thought I. "Quisp is better! They're magically delicious." Then we went to sleep. Well, she did eventually, me not so much. It ended up being a rough night for me mostly. She had some hacking ritual she did before dozing off. Said she did it every night. It was a night time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head fever so you can rest, sort of routine. She was soon snoring loudly. After witnessing all that drama, I barely slept a wink.

The next morning, I balled her again. She said it was a wake-and-take, and I helped. Afterward, as I was lying in the afterglow I felt a strange sensation. I sat up in the bed, startled. Something wet and sticky was pooling around my arse. I was thinking of godfathers and horses, I guess. "My god, Madge!" I cried. "What have you done?"

"Chill" she said, calmly. It's only cum & blood. I've been spotting. Don't worry, silly. It softens even while you do the dishes. You're soaking in it."

"What? Oh, Fuck! I cried. "If I knew this was going to be a period piece, I woulda worn my powdered wig. Jeesh!"

"Save your loud bitching for later." She told me firmly. "We will yell no whine before its time."

She got up and went into the bathroom one more time. When she came back out I noticed that there was some toilet paper dangling from the crack of her ass. When I tried to remove it for her she slapped my hand. "Nobody better lay a finger on my buttered clinger!" Jeesh! I thought to myself, "These whores are too weird for me. My wife, I think I'll keep her."

It was time for her to go, and I escorted her to the door. As she left, she tossed me a bottle of eye drops, and winked. "Here. Catch. You don't need much. A little dab'll do ya."

Huh? WTF?? She had already disappeared into the morning mists when it hit me. Ah. For the sheets. It gets the red out...

THE END

RATING GUIDE

56+ Madison Avenue mADman

45 - 55 Prolly Born after the Nixon Administration

0 - 44 Fill in the Blank ___

Visit First Dates Is The Topic For The Fourteenth Virtual Symposium for links to Symposium resources

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