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P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
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P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T On this _____day of ______, 2009, the party of the first part___________________________ (herein referred to as "She"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part _________________________(herein referred to as "He"): I. 1. FULL DISCLOSURE 1.1 At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any: (1) current girl/boyfriends; (2) dependent ; (3) bizarre religious beliefs; (4) phobias and fears; (5) social diseases; (6) strange political affiliations; or (7) currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. 1.2 Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. 1.3 Failure to make the disclosures in this clause will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere. 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS 2.1 Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or" psycho woman". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho woman," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.") 3.DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP 3.1 Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": (1) For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.); (2) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item"; (3) Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". 3.2 Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman", "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. 3.3 If both parties consent, this timetable may be sped up PROVIDED THAT if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market." 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY 4.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other party's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other party's time. 4.2 Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up". 5. DATING ETIQUETTE 5.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree: • to be overly considerate of the other party's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions; • that all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; • that there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend"; and • to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. 5.2 Further, during the first six- (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. 5.3 Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities. 5.4 Either party must not insist that the other stop at a particular ATM en route (while on a date) so that they would save the $1-2 fee for using another ATM other than his/her own bank. This is viewed as cheap and could possibly pass over into areas of the relationship which a person of good upbringing is unaccustomed to and will quickly tire of. 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT 6.1 It is agreed that, respective gross income aside, "He" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theatres, and breakfasts until: • He considers her suitably impressed; • He is broke; or • He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" 6.2 This clause does not apply to meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time. 7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (Occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own flat?" codicil) 7.1 Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. 7.2 Further, it is agreed that both parties will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. 7.3 Both parties will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. 7.4 He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink and assisting with household duties. 7.5 She agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess". 8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD 8.1 For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology-"Let's get married." 9. THE "L" WORD 9.1 For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." 9.2 Without limiting the generality of clause 9.1 and to remove any doubt, the parties are permitted to love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but are not permitted to state that they love each other. 9.3 Failure by one party to abide by this clause will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone." 10. TERMINATION 10.1 Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship: • Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend; • Inbreeding: Finding out that your ex-husband/wife/lover was a blood related father, mother, brother or sister. • Ending any argument with any of the following sentences: "My ex used to do that same thing", "Now I know why your ex divorced you", or "You women store fat in your thighs, don't you?" II. I, the undersigned, a female accepting a Pre Relationship proposal further agree that... • Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. o Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin. o Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*. • Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. • Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia. o Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom. o Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. • Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. o Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. • Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. o Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. o Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy. o Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar. o Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard... • Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men". • Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*. o Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets. III. I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnamers and dirty looks in Dave & Busters from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger. I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of herefore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co- signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity. IV. Consensual Requests Kissing Consent to mouth-to-mouth kissing Yes No If yes, what kind: closed mouth kissing open-mouthed kissing with lips open-mouthed kissing with tongue light biting/nibbling heavy biting/nibbling Consent to being kissed on the face and neck Yes No If yes: will not hold the kisser responsible for hickies Touching Consent to being touched or fondled Yes No Consent to being touched on the breast outside of clothes: Inside of clothes Consent to being touched on the buttocks (not including anal penetration) outside of clothes: inside of clothes Consent to being touched in the vaginal area (not including vaginal penetration) outside of clothes: inside of clothes Oral-Genital, Oral-Anal Contact Consent to receive oral sex (cunnilingus) Yes No If performing fellatio: consent to allow ejaculation in my mouth Consent to receive oral sex performed on my anus (anilingus) Yes No Genital-to-Genital Contact Agree to genital-to-genital contact, not including penetration (outercourse) Yes No If yes: require the use of a condom Vaginal penetration Agree to vaginal penetration by fingers Yes No If yes: 1 fingers 2 fingers 3 fingers 4 fingers full fisting Agree to vaginal penetration by sex toys Yes No If yes, which kind: dildo vibrator Agree to vaginal penetration by a penis Yes No If yes: require the use of a condom I require a prescription from a licensed physician before using Viagra or Levitra during sex agree to allow ejaculation within the vagina Anal penetration Consent to anal penetration by fingers Yes No If yes: 1 fingers 2 fingers 3 fingers 4 fingers full fisting Consent to anal penetration sex toys Yes No If yes, which kind: dildos vibrators butt plugs Consent to anal penetration by a penis Yes No If yes: require the use of a condom agree to allow ejaculation within the anus STDs Have or had in the past the following STDs (sexually transmitted diseases): Check all that apply: herpes syphilis gonorrhea genital or anal warts chlamydia HIV/AIDS hepatitis yeast infection If I become infected: will not hold the partner responsible for any disease or condition acquired during the sex act Birth Control I will use the following form(s) of birth control: diaphragm cervical cap IUD spermicidal jelly/foam sponge birth control pill am sterile Circle on whatever activities and fetishes interest you: age play, enema, raunch, 24/7 (role play), electrotorture , PVC, ass play, exhibitionism, religious (nun/priest), blindfolds, figging, blood, flogging, rimming, bondage, foot fetish, role playing, boots, forced feminization, rope, branding, rubber, breath play, Goth, sadism, candle wax, harem, scat handcuffs/shackles, satin, caning, catheters, high heels, sensory deprivation, chains, hoods, chastity, knife/needle play, slave, chubby chaser, lactation, slut, clamps, latex, smoking, cling film, leather, spanking, cock and ball, masks, strap-on, tit torture, masochism, submissive, collar and lead, master, swinging, corsets, masturbation, switch, crossdressing, medical, defilement, medieval devices, toys, depilation (shaving) , mistress, vibrators, dildos, mummification, vinyl, discipline, nurse, voyeurism, doctor, oral fixation, watersports, dominant, pain, whips, domination, piercings, edge play and power exchange. Choose one or the other, Skip any you don’t care about : Handcuffs or Rope, Liquid Silk or Astroglide, Cut or Uncut, Top or Bottom, Size matters or It’s how you use it that counts, Feathers or Hot, wax, Porn or Imagination, Shaved or Unshaved, Dominant or Submissive, Finger or vibrator, Betty Page or Pamela Anderson, Polyamorous or One-on-One, coyly sexual or blatantly sexual, Traci Lords or Pamela Anderson, Heels or Barefeet, Whip or Bare hand, Sensual or Hardcore, Manual or Battery operated, Hot wax or Melted chocolate and Tits or Ass. V. Psychological Profile( fill in the missing words): _______________________will have me begging for more. My guiltiest pleasure is __________________________. Something I said I’d never do but did was___________________________________________________. The quickest way to my bed is _______________________________ , and in the morning I like my eggs cooked _________________________. ___________________lights my fire and ______________________burns the house down. If you kiss me_______________________I will _______________________. Required: I am 18 years of age or older and possess the intellectual and emotional maturity required to consent to sex. I consent to the sex acts listed above of my own free will. I have not been coerced into signing this document or agreeing to these terms. I have also not been paid any money, or expect to receive any form of remuneration now or in the future, for performing these sex acts. I am not intoxicated with drugs or alcohol, my judgment is in no way impaired and I offer full and informed consent to these sex acts. I acknowledge that this contract is for informational purposes only and may not be enforceable. I agree to review this contract with a licensed attorney in my locality before using it. Being of sound mind and body, we, the undersigned, enter into this Pre-Relationship contract this____ day of _________________, 2009. Signed ____________________________________ (female) Signed ____________________________________ (male) STATE OF MARYLAND : : ss COUNTY OF MONTGOMERY : I HEREBY CERTIFY that on this _____day of __________, 2009, before me,________________________ a Notary Public in and for the State and County aforesaid, personally appeared _________________________and ______________________________,personally known or made known to me to be the persons who executed the foregoing instrument, who made oath under the penalties of perjury that the facts and statements contained in this document are true and that they acknowledge to me that they freely and voluntarily executed the same for the purposes named therein. WITNESS my hand and seal. ____________________________________ NOTARY PUBLIC My Commission Expires: |
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