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| Blogs > ChinRyder > A Life Less Ordinary |
Wet dream
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Wet dream I had a dream about you the other night. It was odd because it was so real. It took place today. You were still with him, still engaged but no marriage plans. She was there with you too. God, she'd gotten big! The last time I had seen her she was still working on words- now she spoke in complete sentences. You were still living in his house, on a cul-de-sac in some neighborhood. Apparently life wasn't giving you what you wanted because I was there. We had done it again and I had given you what you were looking for. I was trying to make it work this time. I knew that you were pregnant and that I was the one responsible. That's why you had come to me- you knew how well we worked together. But now I was in his house, confronting you to confront him. He knew something was up. He knew that something had happened and that he wasn't involved. The surgery allowed me to give you something that he couldn't. It also reminded me of how much I loved you. How much I wanted you not just back in my life, but for the rest of it as well. I was here to fight for you. Not physically with him, but emotionally with you. Something was up between us but he wasn't fully aware of the situation. He had the feeling that we had been intimate but he wasn't conscious of the results of our love. He yelled at the both of us, trying to get one of us to talk. He was shorter than I imagined him to be and had all the rage that comes with a small man complex. His screams became louder as he looked over each one of us- trying to decide which one of us to unleash on. I calmly looked at you with all-knowing eyes. All you had to say was that you were carrying my baby and it would be over. You and I could leave together and start a new life- the one we tried to start long ago but failed. But for whatever reason, known only to you, you resisted. The glance set him off. His desire for the connection that we have consumed him and he came at me. Fists full of anger found their mark on my face and chest. I stood and did nothing. I wanted you to see how much I loved you. I wanted you to see what I would go through to be with you. Ultimately I wanted you to tell him that you felt the same for me. Your eyes became shrink-wrapped in tears. You pleaded for him to stop as you stood there. You even looked at me with those pleading eyes, begging me to fight back for my own good. It didn't do any good. The void that you left in me had to be filled somehow and if you refused to be the one to fill it then I had to find something that would. The pain would make due for now. He took turns between yelling at you to tell him the truth and hitting me. My silence only enraged him further. He was jealous. Jealous because of the look that I gave you. Jealous because you and I shared something that you and he could never have. But I was jealous too. You would never allow me to have what you shared with him. You were closer to me than anyone can get to another and yet you still rejected me. The first time it happened I thought that it was because I had failed you. Then that failure turned to thoughts of me not being good enough. It wasn't until years later that you told me that it was about being good enough- feelings that you weren't good enough for me. At this point the blood was flowing freely from my body. Your face was soaked in tears and you were choking as you pleaded with him. I don't know how it happened but a relative of his showed up (remember, this is a dream). He came flying down the street and drove all the way into the yard. He wasn't aware of the situation and his eyes frantically tried to make sense of the whole thing. There I was, lying on the ground covered in my own blood. You were sobbing frantically as he stood over me, his glasses still on his face. I hadn't touched him, but that never registered. His relative knew that whatever I had done was enough to upset you and enrage him. With all of the sense he could make of the situation he pulled a gun. He aimed it right at my forehead as I glanced over to you one last time. That's all I remember. I woke up in sweat filled sheets. Very rarely do I have nightmares anymore but when I do they are not very kind. The bogeyman no longer lingers in my closet. Instead my nightmares are ones where family members get in car wrecks, loved ones get kidnapped, or ones like this one here. One where situations past still haunt me. Points in my life filled with regret. Places where I let myself down. It makes me wonder if I should pick up the phone. See if you are married to him yet. And find out if there is anything I can offer you that he'll never be able to.  |
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