Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > whoisagentj > The Dossier of Agent J |
The passage of time
|
The passage of time One of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with happened last week. I do not even know how to go about saying this, so I'm just going to say it. This past Monday, my mom got in new test results. She has stage 4 lymphatic and colon cancer. It's inoperable and...it is terminal. At best, she might have little more than a year left to live. It might be more depending on if the chemo treatments can curb the growth of the cancer. And it's possible to use a new technique called laser proton therapy which targets the cancer directly to help slow down the cancer, giving her more time. But in the end, she will die of cancer. Originally I got the call from my dad in the middle of the day, when he told me over the phone. He asked me to pretend that when my mom told me to act surprised. However, when he told me, it felt like someone hit me in the gut with a large brick. After I got off the phone with him, one of the blessing of my work is I work alone in a data center. I found a corner of the data center that was the most private, and I cried and I sobbed in pain. Even today, I still have part of me that doesn't want to accept it, although I know it's true, but I still do not want to accept it as true. Right now, I'm trying my hardest to stay strong about it. The worst part the next day having to tell my ex-wife that she would have to break the news to the that their grandmother is dying from cancer. While they took it well, when I saw them yesterday, I could see it on their faces, the sadness they had. It was like someone ripped away a tiny part of their souls. Right now, my mom is happy and for the moment, not in pain. But I have seen a person die from cancer. It is not pleasant. They scream in agony because the pain is unbearable. How does one cope and deal with something like that? I had to shut it out when I saw my grandfather just before he died. It's not something you forget. The worst thing...is not having a friend to talk to about it. I really cannot talk to anyone. I don't have friends I can count on to talk to so I can deal with the feelings I have regarding it. Part of me still has trouble wrapping my mind around it. No one wants to see their parents die. No one. But it is a fact of life. My grandparents died. My parents will die. And I someday will die. We all will. When you are young, you think nothing will touch you. You are invincible. As you get older, you see the finality of things. Sure you put it out of your mind, but it's there. I love my folks. They mean the world to me. To see them go, it scares me and most of all, it hurts to know one of your parents are going to die and their time is soon. It's not that soon right now, but it is coming. Some nights I'm ok, some nights I feel my whole life is on hold and I can't move forward. But I know I have no choice. Life does not go on hold. You cannot hit the pause button. Life changes. And<b> death...</font></b>is a part of that change. Like it or not, that's the truth of it. I wish I had the answer to it all. Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent  |
||||
|
i feel your pain...i don't know what to say...but i am here...if you want to talk to... both of my parents are gone...my dad especially passed from gastric cancer in 2003...he fought till the end...but in the end, he could not eat...he was so weak, he could not even hold a cup of pudding in his hand to eat...my dad always loved to eat, he taught me how to cook...joy of eating...how to survive...in the end, when he passed, i was sad...but i was at the same time, relieved, knowing he don't feel any more pain and hunger... i know where they are now...i talk to them, in my heart...every day...as if they are still sitting next to me... i am sorry...but enjoy the time you still have...make memories...not sorrow...tell them how much you love them, while you still can...you don't have much time to waste... you are gonna go though emotions...it's natural...don't stop that...let it out...it's a part of healing... remember even when they are gone, they are gonna be close in your heart...just because you can physically see them, that doesn't mean they don't exist...as if they are in the next room...or next level...they are always there for you... seriously...if you ever need to talk to someone...please...i am here for you... prayers...and love....
| |||
2/9/2019 7:16 pm |
Hon No one has any answers, My Dad died in 2001 of heart disease and I was about 3 minutes away from the hospital when Mum called she was with him when he passed he suffered for years from cheat pains and his heart finally had enough nothing more could be done. death is a part of life and vise versa , we need to accept and make the most out of the time we have with our loved ones...I haven't seen my Mom since 2018 because of family drama..so I wont get to spend time with her as I wish right now...give your Mom a big hug and just be yourself with her she was there for you so just be there for her...my heart and thoughts are there with you ...I am sorry wishing I was there in person to ease your grief , I am there in spirit...
| |||
|
God I wish I had the answers. Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent
|
Become a member to create a blog
