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Wearing my heart on my sleeve (a special Sunday double post!)
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Wearing my heart on my sleeve (a special Sunday double post!) Yes, you are blessed this Sunday. Not because God deemed this a day of rest. But because I have another topic to talk about today! LOL! I want to thank one of my posters for giving me the idea for this topic. It's one I definitely wanted to share. I never try to out my blog posters. But one of my blog posters questioned something on an earlier blog. Of course, I posted a new blog in response to how my day wasn't going well. Well she replied back again with an apology about how she didn't want to tear into me, but she felt bad about how my sex life wasn't going well and that she didn't want to see me get hurt. Thus she cautioned me that maybe I shouldn't allow myself to become too emotionally invested in these women, which as of late, I haven't had good luck with, thus she saw me getting emotionally hurt or upset over how some of these women have treated me. That's the condensed version of it. Of course, my response...well, for me, I understand where she's coming from. I get it, it would be easier for me to hide my feelings, to put up walls to keep myself from getting hurt, or upset all of time. And for me...I think it might be less embarrassing that I didn't share every single thing about my love life. And I don't all of the time, but most of the time, I'd rather wear my heart on my<b> sleeve. </font></b>Why? See, I don't want to live my life where I put up walls to protect myself. If I do that, then those walls don't allow me to show my love for others, or be able to help me express myself fully. I want to be open and expressive with my love as much as possible, or in short, it allows me to be emotionally open. When I was married, I thought I was in love. However, one of the worst things for me happened in which my ex-wife changed as soon as I was married. Before the marriage, we used to have sex a lot and on a regular basis. Once the honeymoon was over, she became emotionally distant. In hindsight, I believe she might have cheated on me and because of that, she fell out of love with me. I have no proof of it, but we went from having sex on a regular basis to not having sex at all. In the last years of our marriage, we had sex twice....in a three year period. She always complained that I was the one pushing for sex, asking for sex. We rarely kissed, held hands, touched, or did anything together. Yet when we were with her family, she put up a front that we were a loving couple. In the end, what I did was I tried talking to other women to ask for help to save my marriage, she caught me, and accused me of "emotionally cheating" on here. And....she was right. It was only until I was separated and then she filed for divorce proceedings did I actually physically cheat on her. But in my heart, my walls had emotionally shut down. I fell into major depression. I didn't eat for over a week. I rarely slept. I lost my job. My life was in ruins, and I felt miserable. In order to save myself, the only thing I could do was to go to my AA meetings, and I sought the help of a psychologist to help me. After getting help, I slowly turned my life around. I made major changes in my life, in which I promised I would do what I could to never lie to myself or others and to tell the truth, no matter how painful that truth might be. Instead of all of the walls I had built in my life, I had to tear them all down. It was highly painful, but in doing so, it allowed me to feel again. I focused deeply on myself and my in order to keep going in life. Today, my life is radically different. I would rather wear my heart on my sleeve, and show others that it's ok to feel and allow myself to share my pain, rather than bottle it in. When I bottled it in, it would fill until I exploded in such rage that I would lash out at everyone and everything, and it wasn't healthy, because I would emotionally strike out at my family members. Today however, when I have a problem or an issue, I deal with it as soon as possible, And this blog...helps in tremendous ways, because it allows me to get advice, and to vent out my problems from you, the readers. I never get a shortage of advice from you folks! LOL! And that's a good thing, because I can focus on my mental and emotional health. Ultimately, even though I get hurt, and I share my pain with you, the readers, it still allows me to deal with the pain I experience. Now, that doesn't mean that I run around blindly into every situation, wanting to get hurt all of the time, NO! I still try to use my intelligence and my experience to deal with things I do know. So I don't throw up a wall, but I use my smarts and my "spidey-sense" to figure out what's going on, and it helps me to know when to emotionally invest in someone or not. Do I still get upset when someone hurts me or breaks my heart? Absolutely! Do I bitch about it here? Yep. But I'd rather wear my heart on my<b> sleeve </font></b>than throw up the walls again. Why? Because I don't want to go back to where I was before. I've been down that road, and that road....sucks. I'd rather suffer the slings and arrows a thousand times over from women who would hurt me, just so I can stay open emotionally and find that ONE person that wants to be with me for who I am. Who would love me for who I am. And no, this doesn't make me a pansy, or a pussy, because I share my emotional problems with you guys. I'm able to share who I am because THIS IS WHO I AM. I allow myself to share my emotional feelings with others than be an emotionally crippled person. And yeah, I still know when to be smart about my emotional problems or issues, I might put my trust in a bit slower than when I was younger. But I'm a lot wiser now. My life isn't perfect. It's been...a long journey. I've made mistakes, suffered, dealt with pain and anguish. This....rollercoaster I've been on...there have been a lot of lows. But there have been some highs as well. And the coaster is still going in my life! I hope one day things will be better. I always hope for a better day and keep my faith that one day things will indeed be better. But I will never stop wearing my heart on my<b> sleeve. </font></b>You see me as I am. And while there are some things I regret in life I've done, I proud of the person I'm becoming. It's not easy...but man, it's been a hell of a ride so far! Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent  |
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6/2/2019 6:18 pm |
this is a great post and i applaude you as a writer , your posts are always very straight to the point and well done..I agree as we go through life and get hurt and some more than others we do crave for comfort from others and we do tend to let emotions run rampant , its very hard to check your heart at the door because some of us keep hoping that love blooms once again and its sad that people have to take advantage of that .today is the anniversary of my husbands death, it been three long hard years not only because of his being gone but because of the struggle i went through without him and still do..I have met a few very nice men on here but not with the hopes of permanent everlasting companionship because i am not ready...but because i value my independence and single life...I dont want to answer to any one and dont want to be responsible for anyone...part of my last thre years i did build some walls, because i dont want to get hurt after having a good life before my husband passed..I did realize before it was too late that i couldnt shut people out either so softening up , as it were is part of my approach to maybe have a decent klife from now on with someone who may feel the same as i do..keep the faith and just be a bit more cautious...
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As always, thanks for reading, and being a part of the journey! Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent
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