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How long is too long?
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How long is too long? How long is too long to wait for sex/play? I saw this question posted in a group tonight and it got me thinking about how my opinions have changed on this topic in recent years. I know this is an odd question. I mean when you're ready to have sex or play, then do it right? Simple as it sounds, it isn't always that simple. It takes two to be ready and consent to it and some people take longer to get ready then others. When I first entered the community I had a hard rule about sexual things. I had to know someone for at least a month before I was willing to have sex with them. My thinking was that this would give me time to make sure that they were actually interested in me and I in them. I never have been a fan of one night stands, so this was my way of trying to avoid them. You also have to keep in mind that at the time, I never had a relationship. Heck I had only ever gotten a second date once at this point. So I'm not terribly experienced in navigating these types of relationships. Fast forward a few months and now I'm having to put that rule to the test. Good lord that was hard (no pun intended). There was more then one time I almost gave in before that month was up. But I needed to be sure it wouldn't just be a one night stand. Not to mention it had been over a year, there was some performance anxiety going on. Am I sorry we waited for that month before grinding our<b> naughty bits </font></b>together? No not really. I am sorry if there were needs of hers I wasn't meeting for that month. But over all I feel that month was used well getting to know each other. Besides I wasn't used to being intimate with someone and needed time to normalize it. Otherwise I risked freaking my self out. Now skip ahead to around a year after the first relationship ended. I start dating someone new. So I figure that the same one month rule will work this time as well. So that month comes and goes, my advances are turned away. Okay no problem she isn't ready. Don't want to force her into anything. More times goes by, same story. More time same story. Over this time I'm noticing that my mood is getting generally worse. It took me a little over a year to realize why this was. While there were some vanilla life factors towards the end that played a roll in my mood. Things like my Mom getting sick and passing away. But all things considered what I realized was that I was in a poor mood because my needs weren't being met in anyway. Now I'm a pretty patient guy. I'm willing to wait for people, this can be a blessing and a curse. This was one of those times it wasn't a good thing because a year was just too long. It was at this point I decided that I was not going to wait that long again. I want the other person to be ready, but I'm not going to put a stopper on my own needs anymore like I had in the past when waiting on people to make up their minds about sex or in some cases just dates. So how long is too long for me? Judging from my limited experience I would likely still be willing to give someone two maybe three months. Which is still a lot longer then many people would wait I'm sure. But that is about how long it takes for it to start really getting to me and frustrating me that my needs aren't being met. But still not so long that I turn into a ball of frustration like I did when I waited over a year then deciding if things weren't going to change it needed to end. Am I saying this is a hard absolute number? No, just an average guideline. Given the right circumstances I might wait longer, or I might not wait that long. I've also decided that I won't hold that one month rule as a hard limit anymore. While it will still likely be the goal, if things call right it doesn't have to take that long. Not to mention as of when I'm writing this, I haven't done anything sexual in years. Soooo that's likely to make me a bit antsy when I do find a perspective new partner. I'm curious, what are your thoughts? What is too soon? What is too long to wait? Is there such a thing? |
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A year? That requires a saint, unless you knew from the beginning, and are willing. I am curious if either knew your rule, or was it something in your own head? Hard limits can bite you.
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