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I Have A Solution For Us Old People...NOT Euthanasia!
I Have A Solution For Us Old People...NOT Euthanasia! As resident elder, and part-time orgasm surrogate for the really busy, I felt it was time to address the near over-running of us baby boomers in society. I am an old person and am entitled to comment on this. So...there's the disclaimer...no hate mail. This problem became painfully apparent this morning. I had my daughters this weekend and I wanted to zip out and pickup something really healthy for breakfast before they awoke. So I'm standing in line with my donuts and it happened. I'm sure it has happened to you as well. Here's an old toots (my age) standing there with a crapload of misc. goodies on the counter, wearing<b> spandex </font></b>pants that offended even me and a top that had a neckline plunging to just above her pubic hair. Nice look so far. The problem came with the announcement of her total. $37.43. At that she exclaimed, "That's too much!" She had a handful of money and yet informed the poor cashier that she would have to give some items back. OK...my luck. She gives back the $3 jar of moustache wax. Made sense to me. She give back the $12 economy-size carton of condoms. So far so good. And finally she gives back the 89¢ Chinese finger puzzle. You know, the little thing you put a finger in each end and you can't get out? She gave that back. At first I figured it was for a grandchild, but after the way she looked at me...flirtatious...I'm thinking it was intended as nipple cuffs. A visual I just didn't need. I started thinking about this. Come to think of it...I have never been in line with an old-timer and no matter how many items they have...it always takes an hour and the light blinks at least once. A problem. I began thinking of a solution. I am a marketing whiz you know. For example...if I was an exec for Helman's mayonnaise I would launch a major nationwide campaign. I'd cut the size of the jar by 80% and sell it for a nickel starting tomorrow. Yep...Cinco de Mayo. Convinced how good I am? Back to the problem at hand. Were I in the WalMart biz here's what I would do: I would install 2 lanes (aisle 4 and 5) exclusively for the elderly. They would have heated chairs that move along on a conveyor belt. There would be flat screen TVs every 5 feet playing episodes of Matlock and Lawrence Welk. Under each TV would be a highly paid actor that asks about their last doctor visit and about the grand . Cleverly hidden nozzles would periodically spritz them will old people odor neutralizer that also rescents them with the fragrance of lilacs or Ben Gay. While they're distracted during the scenting process, they get catheterized to prevent future cleanups in aisle 5. Now comes the great part. After their entire purchase is rung up...they are GIVEN money and told that the entire order was free. How you ask? Simple. During the scenting process highly trained pickpockets get the money needed for the purchase and give it to the cashier ahead of time. See there. A simple solution. No need to give stuff back...it was FREE. If they happen to be particularly smart and want to give stuff back for MORE cash...no problem. During the catheter process we also installed an Invisible Fence collar on them. One zap from that puppy and they're moving. You're probably wondering why an old person would write such a thing about other old people...himself included. Simple. Society needs this and tomorrow I won't remember writing it. [blog talldarkavg1] |
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Tomorrow? I don't remember you writing it today. Given money Whooo hoooo sign me up, I've got me cane,crutches and solar powered roller blades all readied up for a WalMart shopping spree of somewhat less than monumental proportions. My greatest ambition in life has been to be a Walmart Greeter, with your connections do Yuh think yuh could put in a good word for me? As always Swallow
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I don't think I'm old enough; I'll come back in a few years and comment then.
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Oh! Oh! I had an Old Fart Wal-Mart lady adventure today, too. (Honest). I was standing in a loooong line, trying to spend taxpayer's $$ on a digital camera before my funding goes away, for what seemed like twenty minutes (okay, so maybe not quite). Anyway, the photo clerk would open a drawer, look through the photo envelopes, close it, go to another one, look, close, etc. Then she did the whole thing all over again. Finally she came back to the truly ancient little tiny woman at the front of the line and said, "Ma'am, we haven't had photo receipt numbers in this sequence for at least the last two years." Ancient lady ponders this for a moment. "Oh, okay. That's what I thought." and toddled off. May I send her to aisle 5? Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
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aw you are evil
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Interesting insight.
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About what? [blog talldarkavg1]
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Tomorrow? I don't remember you writing it today. Given money Whooo hoooo sign me up, I've got me cane,crutches and solar powered roller blades all readied up for a WalMart shopping spree of somewhat less than monumental proportions. My greatest ambition in life has been to be a Walmart Greeter, with your connections do Yuh think yuh could put in a good word for me? [blog talldarkavg1]
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[blog talldarkavg1]
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Who can blame you? I'm in line as we speak [blog talldarkavg1]
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I don't think I'm old enough; I'll come back in a few years and comment then. [blog talldarkavg1]
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Oh! Oh! I had an Old Fart Wal-Mart lady adventure today, too. (Honest). I was standing in a loooong line, trying to spend taxpayer's $$ on a digital camera before my funding goes away, for what seemed like twenty minutes (okay, so maybe not quite). Anyway, the photo clerk would open a drawer, look through the photo envelopes, close it, go to another one, look, close, etc. Then she did the whole thing all over again. Finally she came back to the truly ancient little tiny woman at the front of the line and said, "Ma'am, we haven't had photo receipt numbers in this sequence for at least the last two years." Ancient lady ponders this for a moment. "Oh, okay. That's what I thought." and toddled off. May I send her to aisle 5? [blog talldarkavg1]
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I'm not well [blog talldarkavg1]
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[blog talldarkavg1]
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I highly recommend Tall's therapy class. [blog talldarkavg1]
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aw you are evil [blog talldarkavg1]
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Interesting insight. [blog talldarkavg1]
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Honey, speaking for geezers the world over...the last thing you want to give us is prune juice! [blog talldarkavg1]
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