Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > wildnwanton > Welcome to the Sanitarium... |
Sunrise in a Mirror
|
Sunrise in a Mirror  I am in a contemplative sort of mood this morning. Maybe, it's because Autumn is here. There was a time in my life that this time of year signaled the onset of very dark and very angry depressions. From 2004 to 2009, I only seemed to find any joy in life when Spring arrived. And while I still live for the sight of crocus bursting through the snow every year, I came to terms with the demons that fueled these states. While the memories of old battles come back to me with a word, or a sound, or even certain scents....I no longer have an emotional response, other than a bittersweet smile at the I once was. There are<b> scars </font></b>some of us have, that will never truly be healed. The only option that works is finding whatever means it takes to come to terms with the past and its haunting memories. I had to learn that a memory only has the amount of life you allow it. I think that even though that is now living inside a rapidly aging woman, she still lives. She actually thrives now; inside this woman who is so close to 50 that I have started to acquaint myself with the wonderful amount of benefits awarded to those of us who manage to survive ourselves and this world for half a century. I seriously cannot wait to get my first senior discount. I think it will make me feel like I have accomplished a good deal more than I ever thought I would. When I was a ? Making it to 40 sounded like about 30 more years than I would want to invest in this place. With proper gratitude for unanswered prayers, as I said earlier, I have managed to survive myself. Autumn often makes me retrospective as well, so it makes understanding the whys behind my hatred of Autumn and Winter a lot more simple. The death of summer seems to bring out a sadness in me that I cannot explain. It begs me sit down and contemplate my short season here on this billions of years old rock. At one time, these contemplations were akin to unlocking a box of demons. I dreaded it, ran from it, trying to silence it. Nothing ever really worked until I was forced to confront the demons. I came to terms with the demons that haunted me by spending a winter buried under more snow than I even imagined could exist in one place at the same time. There, nestled in a valley surrounded by the Northern Rockies I had nothing but time and the most raging case of cabin fever in history. I drank, a whole hell of a lot, for a while. (My liver is still not on speaking terms with me.) Alas; this only served to amplify the voices in my head. Voices that screamed my failures in life with such amazing clarity that I could even smell scents and hear voices, sounds...my ghosts were only tiny shades away from becoming real, I stood there in a doorway to complete and utter madness, but I found the strength to take a step back. I teetered there on the edge of full blown alcoholism for about 12 weeks. I read blogs, wrote blogs, phone calls to my beloved Midwest and East Coast family to maintain the bit of sanity I had left. I suppose I can thank my 'sis', whose alcoholism is far and away one hundred times greater than mine could ever be, for waking me up. A fun morning after working all night spent trying to keep her alive after a bottle of Valium and a bottle of Black Velvet; (A toast to the one year anniversary of her husbands death.) was enough to make me see the errors of my thinking. It also made me take a long, hard look at the things that had held me captive from life for most of my waking days. I had the time and I had the leisure to look at the whole picture, instead of just the horrifying parts, I had time to accept the fact that while there were some things that were in essence blameless, there were things that were entirely my own fault. Choices made by myself, actions taken by myself. I had to face and embrace my guilt in so many parts of my life. And I had to forgive, both myself and those who helped create the train wreck that was 'me'. I wrestled those demons so hard that there were days I thought for certain they would win. There were days when I stepped back into that doorway, felt almost compelled to step over the threshold of my own free will. Thankfully, the most wonderful event I have ever witnessed came to my rescue. Spring thaw in the Rockies is a miracle to behold. As I watched the 5 foot of snow dissolve into 4 foot, I broke out of the house with a camera and an idea about a blog I wanted to write. It turned into a love that borders on obsession at times. I started with short walks outside. Tromping about in 4 feet of snow, with a digital camera and an idea. Taking photos of things that people see every day but rarely stop to notice, or give consideration to. I would spend entire days in snow looking at this amazing, incredible beauty and actually thinking about what it truly was, what purpose it served in my world. How horrifying and brutal their existence was in comparison to mine, yet how peacefully content they seemed in their ultimately fruitless labors. I started using the world I was viewing through a camera as a way to find a proper perspective for confronting my demons. By the time early Summer arrived, my demons were finally silenced in final manner. I began to see life as something more than this challenge I had to somehow survive, and I reached out, took that leap of faith in myself, and I started to live. And I find that now, when Autumn beckons me to spend a bit of time in quiet contemplation of my life, I am not frightened at all. It is truly a bit like looking at a Sunrise in a Mirror. I look back on what is past to see only a small girl who still holds all those wild and fanciful dreams of her youth, with a smile of dawning hope on her face. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson   |
|||
|
deep stuff. demons  i've shaken free of a few of those too in the past couple of years. not easy at all..."Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
deep stuff. demons i've shaken free of a few of those too in the past couple of years. not easy at all... When the tides of life are against you And the current upsets your boat Don't think of things that might have been Just lay on your back and float Ed Norton / The Honeymooners 1954
| ||
|
surviving oneself(and everyone else in this thing we call life)is quite an achievement  "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
surviving oneself(and everyone else in this thing we call life)is quite an achievement
| ||
|
I look at my old baggage and demons and find I can forgive the others but perhaps not myself as my errors relived put me in the greatest funk. Sounds like you have managed self-forgiveness and I am so happy for you. Still trying on this end and am not sure how. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
Cool shot! I too get a touch of Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD) when the days start to shorten, though NOTHING like what you went through apparently. Glad you’ve faced down your demons, and are still around to brighten our days with your fantastic photos. (I may not comment on every one, but rest assured I do look forward to visiting to see them, and I’m glad you’re back to posting.) Killing Time and Each Other Todays Lesson Making Lemonade Road Warrior Flashback Private Cleavage 1 My Private Blog – Tell me your secrets  "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
I look at my old baggage and demons and find I can forgive the others but perhaps not myself as my errors relived put me in the greatest funk. Sounds like you have managed self-forgiveness and I am so happy for you. Still trying on this end and am not sure how. If you see me in the real world, come say "Hi Justskin." I always behave. Preferably not well. 
| ||
|
Cool shot! I too get a touch of Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD) when the days start to shorten, though NOTHING like what you went through apparently. Glad you’ve faced down your demons, and are still around to brighten our days with your fantastic photos. (I may not comment on every one, but rest assured I do look forward to visiting to see them, and I’m glad you’re back to posting.) Killing Time and Each Other Todays Lesson Making Lemonade Road Warrior Flashback Private Cleavage 1 My Private Blog – Tell me your secrets
| ||
|
My best 'thinking' happens when I am out walking/hiking. I find it easy to ground myself there, where there is quiet and where the constant rush of life seems to slow. I do hope you find a bit of time to get out. I find it the best way to 'collect my thoughts.' "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
Great read.  "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
You know, even before I managed to sort it all out, being outside has always had the ability to ground me, help me find center. Thank you for sharing my happiness. A lot of people who have walked in my shoes never find a way to put it all into perspective, so I count myself as fortunate and blessed. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
Thank you. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
|
Great read.
| ||
|
That could be me coming up from behind. Ah, but not - I am running North to South this month --Detroit area and back South. I often enjoy the sights in my mirrors. I gotta see what I passed sometimes as I run along the hard surface. I am spending less and less time here. Nice to know you are still about.  "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
| ||
10/8/2012 11:28 am |
That could be me coming up from behind. Ah, but not - I am running North to South this month --Detroit area and back South. I often enjoy the sights in my mirrors. I gotta see what I passed sometimes as I run along the hard surface. I am spending less and less time here. Nice to know you are still about. I'm a Real sucker for nipples Originator of the Cock Salad
|
Become a member to create a blog
