Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > humorlife > Confessions of a Lifestyle Man |
Open Marriage Articles Show What Swingers Already Know: Single Men Are Low On the Totem Pole
|
Open Marriage Articles Show What Swingers Already Know: Single Men Are Low On the Totem Pole Ever want to take someone in the vanilla community under your wing and explain the graduate-level facts of life to him or her? That was my reaction when I read two articles discussing how a man’s successful attempt at coercing his girlfriend into an open relationship backfired on him. I’ll talk about the articles themselves in a minute, but there’s both an obvious flaw and a subtle flaw in that last sentence. The obvious flaw is the word “coercing.” Whether an open marriage, swinging, or wanting to bring that life-sized Big Bird doll into your bed, sexual activity is something to be discussed and agreed upon. The subtle flaw is in the gentleman’s thinking: In the non-monogamous sexual arena, women are, for lack of a better word, king. This is doubly so in the swinging community (and yes, swinging and non-monogamy are not synonyms). There are folks who believe swinging is something only done by couples and between couples. There are couples who will include single people under that definition, usually because they’re angling for a threesome. And then there are singles… the highly desirable single females occasionally referred to as those rare and mythical beasts “unicorns”, and single men, who are about as rare as, oh, oxygen. What any single male swinger could have told the would-be Lothario who pitched the open relationship was that single women in non-monogamous, sexually oriented situations are always going to have an easier time finding playmates. (Desirable playmates is another story.) Single men in the swinging lifestyle are not only low on the totem pole, they’re lucky if they have a space on that pole at all. More often, they’re grateful for a chance to dig the hole where the totem pole is going to be erected. The original article, the one by the gent who pitched open marriages and which appeared on Reddit, has apparently been deleted. But the article has been discussed in other forums, at least one of which claims to quote the original in full (although, this being the internet, these sorts of pieces are open to, um, selective editing, if not fabrication out of whole cloth.) Let’s give the commenters the benefit of the doubt, and assume that all quotes are accurate. What I could have done without is the condescending tone the two commenting articles took. One, which appeared on Deadspin in mid-May, was titled “Your Open Relationship Is Horseshit”, while the other, which showed up on Jezebel at the same time, was labeled “Dude’s Demand for an Open Relationship Backfires Spectacularly”. Granted, it doesn’t sound as though the gentleman – and I use the term loosely – was especially deft in how he suggested/demanded/blackmailed his girlfriend into what he wanted. And yes, most swingers could have told him what the realized result was going to be (his girlfriend received a lot more propositions than he did). But… just like swinging, just like asking a friend to share join you and the person you’re in a relationship with in bed, just like lugging that life-sized Big Bird doll into the bedroom, all of these situations can work if prefaced with open, honest, and safe communication. All that said… to the Jezebel and Deadspin<b> writers </font></b>who used this one particularly clumsy effort to denigrate anything other than monogamy… spare me. There are a lot of loving couples who are making all sorts of configurations work within the context of their strong, healthy relationships. If you can’t handle these situations, don’t participate in ‘em. That’s your prerogative. But don’t dismiss those who can. And, to administer a final blow to that deceased equine, a note for single men looking to engage in non-traditional sexual situations: Go into them knowing that the deck is significantly stacked against you, merely because of your genetic makeup. Sure, it’s not fair, but what of that? If you’re not an utter ass when this truth rears its head again and again, you’ll separate yourselves from those who are. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic |
|||
|
I find it odd when I am asked by married men to have some sort of liaison with them and I say "What about your wife? Does she know? Would you like her to play with us?" and they all respond with crazy looks of "What?! No?!" My response is not exactly what you wrote about except for this- I have offered to be the unicorn. And have been rebuffed, even insulted, with the thought that fun with me, is that, but I must be a slut to offer to want to have fun with both of them. Really? When I went to the sex club that I went to a grand total of 4 times, or when I went to swinging parties, the single respectful men were given much more attention than the ones that hovered and didn't understand social cues. The single women had a full dance card all night long that they were there. The couples that I hung out with were lovely people who sometimes played and sometimes didn't and all of that was just accepted. All of this is fascinating to discuss in an open way and without judgement. I find it odd when people pronounce that people cannot have open relationships, swinging ones, or poly ones. If you cannot fathom it, it is because it is not for you. And like you so graciously pointed out, you do not have to participate in it. But if it appeals to you, then you have all the same rates of success as any other kind of relaitonships- some will work, others won't, and the rate of success is based on what the two people communicate with each other and want from the situation, not the fact that it is bullshit to some. Just my opinion. Kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
| ||
|
Cheating is cheating. Swinging is swinging. There is a difference... as you know! I hardly know what to say in regard to your being rebuffed regarding your unicorn offer... other than that there are an awful lot of dumb people out there. What single men at clubs have to understand -- to your point about social cues -- is that there is MORE, not less, opportunity to come across as really creepy in a club. The women aren't their for the single men's pleasures... they're their for their own pleasures. And their own pleasures may or may not include a given single man (or couple, or woman, or whatever). I'd love to take your last paragraph and put it on a set of mugs, which I would then send to every person who comments on my blog. But I won't. Instead, I'll content myself with saying "Well said!" and hope that people have other conveyances for their coffee. Your opinion is always welcome here. Even -- ESPECIALLY -- when you disagree intelligently with me. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
For those who are not honest with their other half they will pay the price for it later one.. I agree cheating is cheating and swinging is swinging.. Good post here hugssssssssssss V Become a blog watcher sweet_vm
| ||
|
...but I WANT a mug! It's hard for some people to accept that other people have a different view/practice of relationships. At our club, single respectful men are in FAR more demand than single females and not low on the totem pole at all. Unfortunately, there's one single respectful man for every ten wall-hugging mute lurkers. I hear the term all the time "unicorn", but honestly and personally, it applies to the respectful single men more than the single women.
| ||
|
Test comment-1,2,3 Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
In my experience with the lifestyle, it is often that the women in the partnership define the rules of the game-- because it is, afterall, mostly them that are taking the risks. Men don't die of cervical cancer! Of course I am just happy for them to define the rules!  Meanwhile, I went and found the Jezebel article. I am not sure that article has much relevance to what people do here, it is just a dumb guy trying to convince his girl into letting him sleep around... You also bring up a good point about cervical cancer (and, by inference, HPV) which a significant majority of sexually active people carry, but which has greater health ramifications for women. As for the Jezebel article... you're correct. It's not about swinging per se. But there is a tendency to lump all forms of non-monogamous play into the same mix, rightly or wrongly. And to the extent that the vanilla world doesn't see these -- forgive me -- shades of gray, I thought it was worth exploring. Good points -- as usual! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
For those who are not honest with their other half they will pay the price for it later one.. I agree cheating is cheating and swinging is swinging.. Good post here hugssssssssssss V I've heard this story before -- man convinces woman to swing or explore non-traditional sexual situations, woman gets more out of it after being reluctant, man gets bent out of shape. I suspect most people in the lifestyle have heard variations as well. Hell, it's practically a swingers' bedtime story! (There's a blog post idea for anyone who wants to grab it!) Thankssssssssssss! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
...but I WANT a mug! It's hard for some people to accept that other people have a different view/practice of relationships. At our club, single respectful men are in FAR more demand than single females and not low on the totem pole at all. Unfortunately, there's one single respectful man for every ten wall-hugging mute lurkers. I hear the term all the time "unicorn", but honestly and personally, it applies to the respectful single men more than the single women. Ah, don't hold off having coffee until then... That's a very interesting dynamic you touch on, regarding single men at your club... At invitation-only parties, single men are usually screened for their non-asshole qualities, as well as their willingness to play. In clubs with open admission, of course, ya takes what ya gets.... and sometimes you get wall huggers. But... are wall huggers the same thing as disrespectful men? They can be, if their interests are in being lookie Lous who are getting their voyeuristic rocks off AND being obnoxious about it. But that's a big difference from being a... dunno what the male equivalent of drama queen is. Drama king? This is also the first time I've ever heard men being referred to as unicorns... challenge to all: If we want to reserve "unicorn" for women, does anyone have an idea regarding a comparable term for men? Not just men -- as I said, as common as oxygen -- but lifestyle-desirable men? Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
Heh/ Were I of dirty-minded bent, I would take your comment about splitting the topic and comment about splitting hairs... pubic hairs! But I would never, ever resort to something that crude, of course.... I'll happily read and comment on any data or studies anyone wants to bring to my attention. In my other life -- the one away from this site -- I used to take data and turn it into commentary and information. Folks, consider this an open call for input! Within a relationship, swinging is something done together. It is discussed, relived together, and fantasized about together. Actually, that might make for an interesting exploration in a future post... how couples that swing discuss it when they're not actually engaged in it. I'll have to do some digging. As for my book... .I ain't sayin' nuttin'. save for this: What goes on in the clubs stays in the clubs, which means any work I might produce would probably be fiction, or at very least heavily anonymized. Ain't sayin' nuttin' else. Can't make me talk, copper... I was off buyin' toys for orphans at the time, and was nowhere near that bank vault. Dat's my story, an' I'm stickin' to it. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
The Examiner ran a good piece on 'Open Marriage vs. Swinging' in January 2013... Interesting conclusion being that the two terms are not interchangeable, they do connote different arrangements. Second, you are SO getting one of the imaginary mugs which are never going to be produced. You've given me a link to more fodder! I'm going to track down the Examiner article, and see if there is any food for comment in it. Do you have an exact title? Site guidelines don't let us post links, but if I can find this, I will... Again, thank you for commenting. C'mon back, now, y'hear? Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
Test comment-1,2,3 Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
I read you, over. What's the frequency, Kenneth? Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
I'm not 100 percent sure that he didn't want to participate any longer... I'd need to go back and read the post, as represented in one of the sources I mentioned above. But I am sure that he was bemoaning the fact that he wasn't getting as much interest as his girlfriend... My suspicion -- based on nothing more than my knowledge of the male species -- is that if he came across as a whiny, entitled brat, it's little wonder he didn't generate much play for himself... Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
People often lament the "low man on the totem pole," rarely appreciating or acknowledging that the position in question is actually a promotion up from the anchor men (and no, I'm not talking about Ron Burgundy). Beneath the surface of the earth, the Tsimshian and Chinook tribes generally planted two carved figures who remained invisible yet served to hold the totem in place. They were affectionately referred to as "Dirt Eater," "Shitload Bearer" and "Rump Pedestal." In Totem culture, these would actually be the ones who represent the status of a single man in the swinging hierarchy. Did I mention that they were ritually coated with feces? A low man on a totem pole gets at least a little visibility... I'm way too amused to check the veracity of your Tsimshian and Chinook claims, so let's let 'em stand as is! Poor bastards... Thankfully, a single man with an agile mind can scale the totem pole. Perhaps not as easily as he could if he were in the company of a comely lass, but it is possible... and no, I can comfortably say that none of my swinging experiences have involved being covered in feces. Not even the ones involving outdoor frolicking in a wild sparrow preserve. (The sparrows were wild, not the preserve. The preserve was actually quite tame, which is what made it fun. Imagine being caught in a jam while in a preserve!) Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
|
Become a member to create a blog
