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| Blogs > rm_TwistedWhore > Mediocre meanderings |
Febrile and lethargic...
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Febrile and lethargic... are probably the best words to describe me right now. For the past 24 hours I've been running a 102.4 degree temperature. My throat is swollen to the point of being unable to breathe when I lay down, the room keeps spinning, and my body keeps alternating between cold sweats, chills, and that dry firey feeling that makes your skin feel like hot paper. I am MISERABLE...and it's all my own doing. Chalk it up to nasal debauchery of the snow white variety. Damn am I stupid or what? I now have a full on sinus infection, my lungs feel as if they are filled with fluid, and I can barely stay conscious long enough to pee. Ughhhhhhhhhh. To top it all off, I can't eat solid food, and what I've been able to drink keeps deciding my stomach is not its home. For fucks sake, I have learned my lesson. Talked with my ex yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that he never was in love with me. He was a guilt ridden man trying to balance his karma by trying to love me. A bit of a disappointment really, as I can honestly say in the beginning I was truly in love with him. Reciprocity is a bitch. All my friends are either out of town for the summer or moving away. One guy I've been seeing for a couple of months now decided to venture out on a limb and use that tragic "L" word. Damn him, then he asked me to move in with him. I don't know why, but I seem to inspire this sort of impulsive behavior in men. Every man I've ever seriously dated decides to ask that fatal question about a month into the relationship, and it's getting old. I feel as if I could fall in love with any and everyone sometimes. There are days when I wonder if my uncoditional acceptance of people in general is what fuels this behavior. I am comfortable, easy going, non-judgemental...to sum it up, I'm safety. So instead of inspiring action I inspire settling. For me this sucks, because I'm always wondering if men are "in love" with me, or the comfortable pillow I provide. I miss having someone to hold, I miss having my hair stroked and dainty kisses on my eyelids. Carousing about has certainly been fun, but days like today, when I'm too miserable to even get dressed, I long for someone to just tell me everything will be ok and hold me. Well, I'm going to attempt to summon the energy to make it to the ER for some antibiotics before I have to go into work.  |
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6/8/2005 9:28 pm |
Just reading your most current post TW. Being a woman to me kind of looks like being honey that draws a lot of big ugly stinking bears. Lust and Love are complex but often don't seem to go together. A few people seem to be able to find both but I am not sure I know any. As for the 'L'ove word. It is a word I don't care for. Sometimes I love my girlfriend and sometimes I don't but we always say it. Instead of looking at the word look at what people do. You can see it in their actions and their life. What do they reallllly love? Fixing their car? Their guy buddies that drink beer and fart loud at sports parties? I dunno. You can see it if you are aware of how they act. By how they hold an item or shut a door or even drive their car. My words are not so great today. I guess I am saying if you can find the way to see what people do. That will always tell you the truth of the situation fairly clearly. Most words today are said to just feel some connection with the people around oneself. But it is a lie, words offer no connection to other people only the idea of one.
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6/8/2005 10:31 pm |
Everything will be ok. As Anna Nalick so poigniantly put it... Breathe... Just breate. And while your recovering... lean on us, lean on a friend... hell lean on a complete stranger. There's someone out there to help hold you up till you can stand tall again. You don't have to be all alone hun. serenity xxx
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6/10/2005 6:19 am |
TW....too many thoughts are rattling around upstairs. And if you have all night to let them roam, bouncing into the walls....well...no wonder you need some R&R....Stay healthy, take a walk around the lake....drink some green tea & get the reast you need....
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