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Quality
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Quality When you're apathetic and uninspired about writing in your blog, it's very difficult to log in so you can tell people about how apathetic and uninspired you are. I think that's the only thing I'm going to offer in the way of apology or explanation for being gone for so long. It seems like a long time, especially since I used to write almost every day. I'm not sure if I'll keep up that same pace now. I'm not even sure about my reasons for writing here in the first place. When I left off back in June, I was going to one of Rand's sex parties. My writer's block started when I tried to describe the party. It seemed to me to be a dull report on who's penis went in who's vagina, and how. I realized I was very good at taking an orgy and making it boring. Well, I guess I just took a step back at that point and began to think about what I was trying to say, who I was trying to say it to, and what I wanted to get out of saying it. Truthfully, I'm still at a loss to answer any of those questions. And yet, here I am again. It seems a fitting bookend that I went to another one of Rand's parties this weekend; the first one I've been to since I left off. The June party was huge - maybe 20 couples. Lilith went with me and Rand was very interested in her. "There are two people in this house that I haven't fucked yet," Rand announced loudly after a few drinks. "Um... Rand?" said one of the men. "Besides the straight men," Rand clarified, "there are two people here I haven't fucked yet." He was talking about Lilith and one other new girl, who had come to the party with Chas and Janelle. Chas, who was one of the people Rand HAD fucked said to me, "I feel like a huge slut a lot of the time. But whenever I come to one of Rand's parties, I don't feel NEARLY as slutty as he is." Rand was able to round out his night by the time the party was over. I think Lilith may have felt obligated to have sex with him, or maybe he's just very aggressive. She didn't have sex with anyone else. "It was really kind of awful," she told me later. "It was all about posturing and showing off. He was fucking like a porn star. There was no connection there at all. I didn't enjoy any of it." I was sorry to hear that, but not really surprised. I had seen Rand in action many times. He really is more of a "quantity over quality" type of guy. My own quantity was quite small. I had sex with Cheryl, which was nice, but unremarkable. I didn't talk to anyone new. The party this weekend was much the same in that regard. Tricia had to work the next day, but wasn't really interested in going to the party anyway, so I went alone. Maggie was there with her husband, Joshua, and her boyfriend, Jordan. Andrea came with Chris, who was new to Rand's house, but he is a regular at Reno's house. I knew him well and had, in fact, done a threesome with him and Andrea last year. We did another one that night in Rand's living room. I had sex with Maggie too. Maybe I shouldn't say quantity is a problem for me. I went to a swinger party and had a LOT of sex with two well-established girlfriends. My problem, if it is a problem at all, is in meeting new people. The women in the other couples were absolutely gorgeous. One of them was young, with long bright red hair and a perfect hourglass figure. Andrea almost started drooling when that girl got naked. I would have very much liked to play with her, or at least talk to her. I didn't do either. It's so weird. Just to go to a party like this, to live a lifestyle like this, you have to break out of your comfort zone. You have to change the way you think about things. I've done that. But I can't seem to do it fully. These women COME to the party looking for someone like me. I'm a respectful and<b> skilled </font></b>swinger, with a better than average body. It's a SEX party. I should just be able to ASK them to play, but I don't. I don't even initiate a conversation. And I'm sure I come off as looking very cold and indifferent to them, which makes me even more insecure around them, because I assume they don't like me. I also feel that, if I start talking to them, they'll think I'm trying to have sex with them, which is 1. true and 2. perfectly OK with them. I feel obligated to play with Maggie and Andrea. That's messed up thinking too because it's not an obligation. I really do want to play with them. But even if I did focus on meeting new women for the one night, I know that both Maggie and Andrea would understand, and they would both be fine with it. My brain can come up with a dozen excuses for why I'm not more friendly with new people. At the end of the day, there's an obstacle between what I want, and what I'm able to get. But then I start second guessing what I want. I suppose I could concentrate on new girlfriends more, rather than enjoying spending time with women I already know well and trust. I'm sure I could meet and play with many more women than I do now. Maybe one day I would even be like Rand, looking at a roomful of 50 people and finding it hard to pick out somebody I DIDN'T fuck. Maybe I don't need to worry about that. But there's clearly an imbalance with me. Maybe I don't want to have sex with every hottie I meet, but I don't want to be paralyzed by intimidation either. I'm a sensitive individual. I'm saying that as a statement. I can't help but be that way. When I meet someone, I take in a lot. I'm tuned in to a lot of things about them. I think this has been evident when I write about the people in my life. I can describe what they look like and what they're saying and doing, but I can go farther sometimes and describe what their motivations are, even when those people don't always know themselves. When I meet new people, it can be a bit overwhelming. I can remember names, personalities, maybe a few trivial things about them... But no where near what I want to know about them that can be learned in an hour or so. I think I need that to really feel comfortable before having sex with them. As it was, there was not a lot of crossover between the "people I know" at Rand's and the "people I don't know." Joshua had sex with one of the strangers. Andrea stuck surprisingly with just Chris and me. Maggie had sex with me, Joshua, and Jordan. So maybe it's not so odd that I stayed in my comfort zone as well. But I'd still like to have a few more social skills in my arsenal. I'm good on a personal level, but I suck in large groups. I'm good at quality, but I suck at quantity, at least on a scale like Rand's. For now, I'm good with that. I would rather have one of those women going home wondering about the quiet guy who didn't say much, rather than going home complaining about the awful, meaningless sex she had with me. Besides, at the next party, she won't be a stranger anymore. Maybe I'll say hi. |
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Welcome back, you have been missed. I really appreciated the message a week or so ago. Taking time off for reflection is a good thing. I enjoy reading your blog because not only do I enjoy learning about the lifestyle, but in your thought processes as you deal with it all, as well. I, too, am on the shy side am sensitive and have been told that I think too much, but it is how I am wired. Sometimes I am able to come out of my comfort zone and sometimes not, but either way I reflect on it and hopefully learn from it, which enables me to take another step forward the next time. I was sorry to hear about Lilith not enjoying her time with Rand. Had she had met him before, she may have known that he is about quantity and not quality. I need the connection too, sex for sex sake does nothing for me. As for you...not having the courage to meet new people...Is it really so hard for you to just walk up to someone and say Hi, We haven't met yet, I am (insert name here) and let the conversation go from there. Since this was a party at Rands, you could have asked how she knew him or for how long. Once the talking begins it is usually much easier to continue. It doesn't have to mean you have to have sex with everyone you meet. You will find that in meeting some new people that your personalities don't click and you will just move on. But at the very least you will have met someone new, that won't be a stranger the next time you run into them. Lot's of luck! I really have missed you! Welcome back! I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS!! (MY LIFE'S PHILOSOPHY)
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