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Principles and Metaphors for Envisioning an Open Marriage
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Principles and Metaphors for Envisioning an Open Marriage For those of you contemplating or engaging in an open marriage, I thought I would share some passages from a range of<b> writers </font></b>who have articulated ways of envisioning open marriage. I've also included some thoughts by<b> writers </font></b>on the erotic and relationships whose points coincide with an embrace of an open marriage. From Edward Carpenter, Love's Coming-of-Age (1896): A marriage, so free, so spontaneous, that it would allow of wide excursions of the pair from each other, in common or even in separate objects of work and interest, and yet would hold them all the time in the bond of absolute sympathy, would by its very freedom be all the more poignantly attractive, and by its very scope and breadth all the richer and more vital--would be in a sense indestructible; like the relation of two suns which, revolving in fluent and rebounding curves, only recede from each other in order to return again with renewed swiftness into close proximity--and which together blend their rays into the glory of one double star. It has been the inability to see or understand this very simple truth that has largely contributed to the failure of the Monogamic union. The narrow physical passion of jealousy, the petty sense of private property in another person, social opinion, and legal enactments, have all converged to choke and suffocate wedded love in egoism, lust, and meanness. But surely it is not very difficult to imagine so sincere and natural a trust between man and wife that neither would be greatly alarmed at the other's friendship with a third person, nor conclude at once that it meant mere infidelity--or difficult even to imagine that such a friendship might be hailed as a gain by both parties. And if it is quite impossible (to some people) to see in such intimacies anything but a confusion of all sex-relations and a chaos of mere animal desire, we can only reply that this view exposes with fatal precision the kind of thoughts which our present marriage-system engenders. From Ronald Mazur, The New Intimacy: What the new model of open-ended marriage seeks to promote is risk-taking in trust; the warmth of loving without anxiety; the extension of affection; the excitement and pleasure of knowing seriously a variety of other persons; the enrichment which personalities can contribute to each other; the joy of being fully alive in every encounter. From Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: ...one study showed that an individual in an open relationship tends to be 'individualistic, an academic achiever, creative, nonconforming, stimulated by complexity and chaos, inventive, relatively unconventional and indifferent to what others said, concerned about his/her own personal values and ethical systems, and willing to take risks and explore possibilities.' From Helen Fisher, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love: I have a theory that we've evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction. The sex drive being one, the craving for sexual gratification. The second is romantic love, that obsession, the craving, the ecstasy, the focused attention, the motivation to win a particular mating partner; that early intense, romantic love. And the third brain system is attachment, that sense of calm and security that you can feel with a long-term partner. What I find most remarkable about these three drives...is that they're often unconnected. You can feel a powerful sense of attachment to a long-term partner while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else, while you feel this sex drive for a whole range of people From my wife to me (correspondence 2002): My hypothesis is this; No man or woman can be everything to their significant other or partner. That advanced souls especially, need to be able to explore a vast array of qualities with in intimate relationship where the most direct access can be had, so that they can: 1. Learn the frequency and nature of that quality close up and personal - essentially by unifying with it in the other who carries the quality. This is often done best in the sexual union act....where opening energetically can be down to a cellular level. The allowing the direct experience of this quality energetically and modeled in acts by the other lover. This allows the person to be able to more easily be able to recreate for themselves the same quality that they admire in the other. After this ability is attained the allure may wear off. 2. Heal partially developed parts of themselves. We all have pieces of ourselves that are only partially developed. They were somehow suppressed in the "growing up phase"... or just never had a chance to come forward at all. For me, it is the magical , age 2, hiding out from Mom's blows... She has needs to feel safe etc.... needs presence and authentic love and care. For you, the 19 year old Jamaican soccer player (with a hard 10 inch cock )...this one needs to run and express... to progress...to be unsuppressed. I love that part of you this 19 year old....so I want to support 'him' being as vibrant and strong and viable as possible ( without hurting myself of course). You are the best architect of who will touch what part of you, You can feel it in your body. I can feel it in my body. Some vibration goes off. Like an "A" string hit on one piano in a room with cause the "A" to resonate on the other piano in the room. It is subtle only you can hear it. So only you can name or ask for the person or quality or fantasy that you need. This is a wonderful mystery. It is part of self discovery and the kind of relationship that I conceive of with you will allow this kind of space for self discovery. 3. In intimate relationship, selective Inclusion can = more. Just as you felt that we had more, or were more with each other when we made love to one another after the 3 some with Melanie experience.... that that expanded us in some unnamed way.... It is my hypothesis that each of these forays away will do the same. I will not lose by having you be close to and intimate with another (this could even evolve down the road to mean occasional separate vacations - but I am not ready for that - I liked the "travel to foreign lands - sex related adventures TOGETHER" idea you were discussing this morning - that makes my cunt tingle) The forays into other arms and other hearts and other souls will in the end make each of us MORE fully developed, happier with ourselves and our self discoveries and synchronously make us MORE FOR EACH OTHER. This is embracing life long learning in a very special way. "Handcrafted" for us by us. The underlying concept is that the continuity of our loving vital connection is held inviolate. The concepts in The Initiate, that book I had you read early on speaks to this stuff a bit. I bet the polyamory material is now going into some of these ideas. We do have to discover our own way - to really make it work. This is about collaborative partnership in some remarkable ways. It takes some stepping up and being courageously authentic because we are moving outside the bounds of our "given" culture and forging new ground while being very much inside the dominant - dominator culture. I cannot do this alone. I need a partner. I think your natural interests mirror my own. I think we could be very natural partners in this. The logoic power plays into this directly. With our words we can create worlds, constitute a personal culture that works for us, built on our own hierarchy of values and principles. The energy will follow our thoughts, hidden or overt. The words will create what we call forth...it is only a matter of time. These two facts can serve us well. I like Marshall Rosenberg's mandate to sin courageously. By being transparent with each other...those hidden or secret thoughts will not show up as other events manifesting and hit us in the head unawares. We have had a really clean go of it. It is really helpful that you know yourself well. This process will cause each of us to know ourselves even deeper. Let's tear off the manhole covers of our own so called "perversions" if that is where we are drawn. It seems that the things we hold as "perverted" have the greatest clues for our deepening and liberation. They are most verboten. Why I say ? If I am drawn to something there is a reason behind that; if it vibrates me, then I am related to it in some significant way so I want to go there. I am confident... we will keep our lives in balance... If you want to go down into the well - I will help you tear the manhole cover off. I have the monkey rope. I want the same from you. I think you are a good monkey rope holder. Cool in crunch. I have some courage.... From me to my wife (correspondence 2002) Expansion. That is my word for the morning. I feel expansion within myself, physically and emotionally, as we exchange letters this morning and as I contemplate our present and future. I embrace the sense that we, together, are at the center of some circle, the core of some sphere, or at a focal point, the place where one places the fixed leg of a compass before one draws a circle. From that center of togetherness, we can draw circles of connection that expand us, like the action of drawing circles with a compass. When I think about love in relation to the mysteries of the heart, I would also use a sense of "openness" and "connection" as two key words--if not the most important two words--to describe what I feel when I am in love, or what I want to feel. With you, I have never felt more of a sense of openness and connection during a relationship with a woman. With that openness and connection comes a sense of attunement, a sense of receptivity: I can listen better, and I can write better, when I am so attuned. Monogamy offers contraction and a sense of safety. Our openness offers expansion and some risk--the risk associated with the risk of exploration, of going outside a safe house of identity, a familiar place. I love the freedom--and the potential for learning, for expansion of understanding, for evolution of consciousnss--that comes from openness and exploration. Melville suggests in "The Monkey Rope" chapter of "Moby-Dick" that one can better explore or reach significant places if one uses the "Monkey Rope" idea. I like the idea of engaging in openness and exploration--in such risks--with the safety of a monkey rope, a bond between the two of us that has some elasticity in it, but is securely tied around our waists. My heart does beat faster in the physiology of love and erotic anticipation when I think about exploring inner sanctums with you, adventuring with you, expanding with you, opening up and connecting with you--and connecting with an enlarged sense of possibility, of engaging together in adventures governed by a desire to learn and experience life and challenge ourselves and test ourselves. I love the intensity that comes from testing myself--whether it be in an academic setting or on the playing field (or in the bedroom). "I am prepared and perfect for what we want to do, and so are you!" From Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic (2006): "Mating in Captivity" aspires to engage you in an honest, enlightened, and provocative discussion. It encourages you to question yourself, to speak the unspoken, and to be unafraid to challenge sexual and emotional correctness. ....we all need security: permanence, reliability, stability, and continuity....But we also have a need for novelty and change, generative forces that give life fullness and vibrancy. Here risk and adventure loom large. We're walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on one hand and thriving on diversity on the other..... And what is true for human beings is true for every living thing: all organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium. Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies. The never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves....The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what's safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what's exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring. We ground ourselves in familiarity, and perhaps achieve a peaceful domestic arrangement, but in the process we orchestrate boredom. The verve of a relationship collapses under the weight of all that control. Some of us enter intimate bonds with an acute awareness of our need to connect, to be close, not to be alone, not to be abandoned. Others approach relationships with a heightened need for personal space--our sense of self-preservation inspires vigilance against being devoured.... We want closeness, but no so much that we feel trapped by it. Sexual desire does not obey the laws that maintain peace and contentment between partners. Reason, understanding, compassion and comraderie are the handmaidens of a close, harmonious relationship. But sex often evokes unreasoning obsession rather than thoughtful judgment, and selfish desire rather than altruistic consideration. Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Some of America's best features--the belief in democracy, equality, consensus-building, compromise, fairness, and mutual tolerance--can, when carried too punctiliously into the bedroom, result in very boring sex. Erotic intimacy is the revelation of our memories, wishes, fears, expectations, and struggles within a sexual relationship. When our innermost desires are revealed, and are met by our loved ones with acceptance and validation, the shame dissolves. It is an experience of profound empowerment and self-affirmation for the heart, body, and soul. When we can be present for both love and sex, we transcend the battleground of Puritanism and hedonism. Erotic intimacy is the act of generosity and self-centeredness, of giving and taking. The rawness of our desire can feel mean, bestial, even unloving. Eros can feel predatory, a voracious grab. Whatever guilt we feel about taking--whatever shame we feel about our wantonness, our passion, our indecency--is intensified in the primitive vulnerability of sex. We are socialized to control ourselves, to restrain our impulses, to tame the animal within. So as dutiful citizens and spouses we edit ourselves and mask our ravenous appetites.... We reach a unique intimacy in the erotic encounter. It transcends the civility of the emotional connection and accommodates our unruly impulses and primal appetites....Erotic intimacy invites us into a state of unboundedness where we experience a sweet freedom. We get a temporary break from ourselves--the legacies of our childhood, the habits of our relationship, and the constraints of our respective cultures. Family life flourishes in an atmosphere of comfort and consistency. Yet eroticism resides in unpreditability, spontaneity, and risk. Eros is a force that doesn't like to be constrained. Fantasies--sexual and other--also have nearly magical powers to heal and renew. The psychoanalyst Michael Bader....explains that in the sanctuary of the erotic mind, we find a psychological safe space to undo the inhibitions and fears that roil within us. Our fantasies allow us to negate and undo the limits imposed on us by our conscience, by our culture, and by our self-image. All of us invest our erotic encounters with a complex set of needs and expectations. We seek love, pleasure, and validation. Some of us find in sex the perfect venue for rebellion and escape. Others reach for transcendence and ecstasy, even spiritual communion. Yet fantasies are maps of our psychological and cultural preoccupations; exploring them can lead to greater self-awareness, an essential step in creating change. When we cordon off our erotic interiors, we are left with sex that is truncated, devoid of vibrancy, and not particularly intimate. Our erotic imagination is an exuberant expression of our aliveness, and one of the most powerful tools we have for keeping desire alive.... In our erotic daydreams, we find the energy that keeps us passionately awake to our own sexuality. As therapists, we regularly encourage our patients to examine their assumptions about what's normal, acceptable, and expected. Yet sexual boundaries are one of the few areas where therapists seem to mirror the dominant culture. Monogamy is the norm, and sexual fidelity is considered to be mature, committed, and realistic. Nonmonogamy, even consensual nonmonogamy, is suspect. Dagmar O'Connor says, "For married sex to be 'meaningful,' it must always be an expression of love--preferably of lifelong, abiding love--every time we climb into bed with one another And what an incredible burden that is! It eliminates sex stimulated by a whole array of other emotions and sensations: playful sex and angry sex, quick, 'mindless' sex and 'naughty' sex." Human nature abhors a vacuum of intensity. People long for radiance. They want to feel alive. If given half a chance, loving partners can fill the intensity void with transcendence. Eroticism, intertwined as it is with imagination, is another form of play. I think of play as an alternative reality midway betwee the actual and the fictitious, a safe space where we experiment, reinvent ourselves, and take chances. Sex often remains the last arena of play we can permit ourselves.... Long after the mind has been filled with injunctions to be serious, the body remains a free zone, unencumbered by reason and judgment. Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings: safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of life and the heat of passion..... Desire resists confinement and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole. |
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10/26/2009 4:04 pm |
i read your post thinking so many things.... to me it has been impossible to sustain even a monogamous relationship... i wonder if its me, or the men that i have met during my lifetime... i have lost hope. i see myself alone, sometimes barely sustained by scraps i can get when i can, that are just a pale imitation of what i crave. and to think that there are persons who can have their meaningful relationship with a special person and have others relationships too. to have an open relationship, no lies, no hypocrisy... i envy them a bit... oh my... Inteligencia=erotismo 
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I have missed your brilliant mind and the logical way you write. You always seem to make everything seem so right, even if I could never indulge in an open marriage, it seems logical in your words.  , K"It's all right for a woman to be, above all, a woman." -Anais Nin
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