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| Blogs > Freedom4FunNow > The Alien Logs |
A 6 STEP PROGRAM TO FASHION REFORM
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A 6 STEP PROGRAM TO FASHION REFORM Now I know fashion is all about making a statement. But is the statement you want to make about yourself a bright neon flashing sign over your head that says: “I am special. I chose my clothes while blindfolded. I have the fashion sense of a Hari Krishna, I don’t realize how ridiculous I look”? Step 1. Buy clothes that FIT! I often look about me and wonder if people see the same thing I do when they are getting ready to leave the house. Do they look in the mirror and say DAMN! I look HOT!” ….while wearing a size 8 tank top over a size 22 body? Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking weight here. I’m no anorexic stick insect either. I’m just saying LOOK. Take a really long good look at yourself before inflicting that image on an innocent and unsuspecting public. And the old adage is a failsafe….”just because they make it in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it.” While the girls are wearing clothes way too small for them, the guys are sporting gear that could provide tent shelter for camping. The legs span about 3 feet in width, the crotch is down by their knees and no wonder the pants is below their butt, the waistline is fit for 8 people. Are they planning ahead in case they have to jump out of a plane with no parachute? Possible. After all, it happens in the movies all the time. Step 2. Underwear is for wearing UNDER ! I know….what a concept. Maybe dress yourself instructions are needed on clothes now. How about the “I’m wearing my underwear so you can see it because I know you want to” fashion. Oh please! STOP! We don’t want to. Really! Not the mismatched bra straps showing under the spaghetti strap tank/dress you are wearing, girls… and not the underwear hanging out of the back of your jeans with your crack on show to the world, guys. Step 3. If it’s ugly….JUST SAY NO! Then there are the lemmings. Ah yes. These are the fashion slaves. The ones who will buy every new fad irrespective of suitability to their body type/size etc. And also regardless of the ugliness factor of the fashion. On an ugliness factor ratio of 1 to 10, I’d have to say that Crocs rate about a 28. Big bulbous rubber clogs. They have to make holes in them so your feet won’t sweat. And you know shoes have to be unforgivably ugly if one of their marketing strategies and selling points is that you can eat them if you are stranded on a desert island. That alone should be a red flag in your face. Then there is the other warning sign that they actually sell a whole sideline of croc décor that you can add to your Crocs in a futile attempt to make them more eye friendly. And to compound the manufacturer’s sin, instead of allowing those of us with more taste to avoid looking at these monstrosities, they make them in bright neon colors that scream at you to look at them. They make my eyes bleed. It’s cruel and unusual punishment I say. Or what about Ugg boots. You at least have to give these manufacturers a thumbs up for honesty. I mean they were named Ugg for a reason! But if you are looking for atonement for past sins and uber bad karma retribution, there can be no crueler punishment than to come face to toe with Cruggs!. Some lunatic obviously escaped from an asylum or mistakenly allowed out on a day pass invented the concept of mating crocs with Uggs. There are no words….. Step 4. Spandex is a sin Spandex - Don’t do it! It doesn’t look good on anyone. This especially goes for those dudes that wear speedos. Everything you own down to the last goose bump will be on display. I know you might think you want to do that. But really DON”T. There’s something ….in fact a LOT to be said for a little mystery. In the case of women, it is often a judgment issue. At what pound to height ratio does<b> spandex </font></b>become a sin. Even with a great body,<b> spandex </font></b>is pushing it. My advice is …don’t risk it. For men, there is no winning option really. You either look like you should be arrested for public cruelty, or you look gay. That’s it. Those are your choices. So safety first! How about we all just give<b> spandex </font></b>a miss! While we are on the subject of gay…..a not so honorable a mention ought to go to guys wearing g-string underwear/swimsuits. One word. Gay. And absolutely never ever a thong! Underwear/swimsuits should always be of the boxer variety. Let’s leave the panties to the ladies shall we? Step 5. Don’t be a part of the mullet crisis Make a decision folks. Long or short. But not both. Hairdressers should have their licenses yanked for performing such feats of atrocity. And this particular crime is perpetuated by men, women and alike. Widespread criminal ugliness. And all committed in total oblivion. These fine mullet sporting folk think they look spicy! There is even a website where people submit their photos for the general public to rate their mullet. I advise only the strong of heart to attempt this. It is not for the squeamish You may come away experiencing queasiness and a feeling of light headedness. Should these symptoms persist after four hours, please contact your primary care psychotherapist. w-w-w.ratemymullet.c-o-m/show.p-h-p In fact these people are so proud of their mullets, in a cult like attempt to convert the world, they actually sell mullet wigs! How can this even be a self supporting market???? Don’t give in. Say no to the wig…Not even on a lark to try it out. It could be like crack and suck you in after one experience! In a decisive executive manner let us do away with the mullet! w-w-w.ratemymullet.c-o-m/?page=merchandise Step 6. Mix and match within reason Now I know we are taught to layer our clothing in the temperate months to adjust for sudden weather change. But this is going a bit far. This is beyond an eyesore. If you are a perpetrator of this particular faux pas, get help. Immediately. Should you see someone else committing it and do nothing to prevent it, you are still equally guilty. This is definitely a fashion crime. Stop and think before committing such a heinous act. We must end this ‘socks with sandals’ crime against humanity. It is just unnecessary. Choose. Shoes and socks, or sandals. Now I know I’m a little older. And my tastes may run to the slightly conservative end of the spectrum. But I feel justified in saying that none of the above trends are forgivable regardless of age or culture. I also realize that I have possibly offended minority groups with this blog. Black, gay, lesbian, larger sized, and special people. I would like to say that the offense was not intentional. However, if your minority group particularly identifies with one or more of these fashion don’ts, then I strongly urge you... Pick up this baton and begin crusading for reformation. Don’t be a fashion victim. Just say NO now! **For the links just delete all the "-"s that are inserted in the addresses  Freedom Live. Laugh. Love. |
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6/26/2009 8:51 pm |
I'm calling BULLSHIT on this one. I've seen plenty of Aliens in the movies and on TV and you people are all about the spandex. Neon colors at that. And don't get me started on those Space boots. PUHLEEEZE. And what about that blue hair/fur. Oh, that's right, i know that the Cookie Monster is an Alien. Just because you have a smokin hot disguise doesn't mean you can hide from your own cultural fashion faux pas. P.S. Stop rummaging through my closets.
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I'm calling BULLSHIT on this one. I've seen plenty of Aliens in the movies and on TV and you people are all about the spandex. Neon colors at that. And don't get me started on those Space boots. PUHLEEEZE. And what about that blue hair/fur. Oh, that's right, i know that the Cookie Monster is an Alien. Just because you have a smokin hot disguise doesn't mean you can hide from your own cultural fashion faux pas. P.S. Stop rummaging through my closets. Yeah ok the aliens in the spandex thing is just a vicious lie perpetrated by haters in Hollywood. Jeezzzz just because some people get peeved at the odd anal probe or two...But that's just not reason enough to slander us with all that spandex propaganda! Oh and I might have missed a thing or two in your closet. I think I should come back for a closer examination. I should add that what might not be acceptable in public might be perfectly ok and even encouraged in private. How are you at modeling? I'll bring a spandex speedo.  Freedom Live. Laugh. Love.
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Oh, hell no, you didn't diss the mullet!!! You just broke my heart. My achy breaky heart... And speaking of fashion: Simplify! If a plain, black, short sleeved top goes well with anything, then by all means, you should have a closet full of plain, black, short sleeved tops! I used to roll around in spandex with other sweaty, strapping, muscular, young men wearing spandex, in an attempt to force him into submission. What's so gay about that?  PoorMeImSane
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Hah. When I was a teenager I was forever sitting with my legs and feet pulled up and I would stretch my shirt or sweater completely over my feet and down to my toes. It used to drive my mom bonkers. Talk about stretched and wrecked! Freedom Live. Laugh. Love.
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Oh, hell no, you didn't diss the mullet!!! You just broke my heart. My achy breaky heart... And speaking of fashion: Simplify! If a plain, black, short sleeved top goes well with anything, then by all means, you should have a closet full of plain, black, short sleeved tops! I used to roll around in spandex with other sweaty, strapping, muscular, young men wearing spandex, in an attempt to force him into submission. What's so gay about that? As for the spandex wrestling...umm enough said.... Freedom Live. Laugh. Love.
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I'm glad you enjoyed! Yes I've heard tell that I might be a little crazy. I put that down to intergalactic cultural differences. Thank you for stopping by! P.S. Not quite sure what the daily show is but I wonder if they are hiring? Freedom Live. Laugh. Love.
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