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| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
Letting go
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Letting go I used to have a hard time letting go. I had this idea in my head of what was "supposed to be" and I clung to it like a pit bull to a . My "perfect little world" just had to stay as it was, or nothing would ever feel "right" again. I think it has to do with the beliefs driven into my head while growing up even though the example was not there, just the ideal ideas. I was supposed to grow up, be with only one man, raise a family, live happily ever after. Obviously this failed. I looked for a replacement dream world. That too failed. Miserably. Repeatedly. Horrifically. Tragically. Painfully. So here I find myself not wanting to repeat my mistakes of the past. I'd rather make all new ones! Or even better yet, just steer clear of 'em all together!  I'm trying to be open to alot of things, while maintaining the very essence of why I like myself, and I have discovered that I do not wish to jump into the very hoops I have in the past. I am terrified of rebounding. I shudder at the thought of another marriage, trapped and isolated. I feel a bit sick at the thought of passing myself around like a party favor. I dread facing countless nights alone in my bed wishing for company. I am frightened by the knowlege that I have an enormous amount of "baggage" in the way of I have a life I pretty much like, I just want someone worthy to join in midstream. Who the heck wants to be burdened by all of that? Oh yeah, people I'm incompatible with. Damn. What's a girl to do? Enjoy what may come my way I suppose and never stop being available to ideas and hope. Never close my heart entirely and keep both eyes wide open. Put up my giant filter and don't be afraid to let go of that which I know can not make me happy. So I'm letting go of the shore now, and floating along best I can. Anybody got a life line? I'll hold out my hand. If you grab it though, just please don't let me go.  |
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7/2/2009 5:51 pm |
You have two very good things that came out of the bad times, thats those two kids you obviously adore and are bringing up extra special,with alot of love and happiness,and like i said before that's RESPECT of the highest level. Yes enjoy what may come your way but just take a step back if things start to look familier again, never close your heart totally it goes cold i found that out myself. Yes definatly keep both eyes open, but look afer no 1 for now and make your own rules. Don't fear the unexpected. just be able to let go! if it can't make you happy it's not worth having. LOTS PEACE and HAPPINESS SWEETHEART. Ps I know i'm so far away but there is a shoulder here and an ear to listen if you want.
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You have two very good things that came out of the bad times, thats those two kids you obviously adore and are bringing up extra special,with alot of love and happiness,and like i said before that's RESPECT of the highest level. Yes enjoy what may come your way but just take a step back if things start to look familier again, never close your heart totally it goes cold i found that out myself. Yes definatly keep both eyes open, but look afer no 1 for now and make your own rules. Don't fear the unexpected. just be able to let go! if it can't make you happy it's not worth having. LOTS PEACE and HAPPINESS SWEETHEART. Ps I know i'm so far away but there is a shoulder here and an ear to listen if you want. 
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