Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
I think I'd like some noise
|
I think I'd like some noise I've realized something that has been nagging at the back of my mind for awhile now. I HATE being completely alone for more than a few hours. I never used to revel in my solitude, but I was used to it. I would read for hours, play computer games, write, putter around, pamper myself, fill my moments with work, or do whatever it was that tickled my fancy at the moment. Then I found someone that I enjoyed spending time with. I enjoyed his company. We talked for hours. We fell in love. We were inseparable. We got married. We tried to start a family. He found someone else and broke my heart. I was alone again. He and his world had become my world. I was lost. I had to start completely over. I had moved away from my friends and lost touch. My job was a daycare in our home. It was lost when I was forced to move out. The I had hoped to adopt had been returned to the state. I was childless, jobless, homeless, and in my point of view at the time, a complete and utter loser. The bleak despair that washed over me in waves nearly carried me away. I stepped up. I moved forward. I began a new career. I got a new place to live. I made a new life, new friends. I met someone. I was terrified. I'd been hurt so badly. I was reassured that he would NEVER do that to me. He lied. A lot. Something that I didn't realize until after I gave birth to our first and we were married. I tried to forgive him, the first time. Things were bumpy, but then went so well, after 6 years I decided to take a chance and have another . I was so happy that year following we decided to have one more. She would make 5. What a busy but full house! Some of you may remember: How I got fucked Fast forward to present: Now I find myself alone on weekends. My at the exes apartment so I can sleep and work. But I have such a hard time sleeping! The house seems so empty. Friends can help to fill the void momentarily, but the empty echos when they are gone. I miss so much about having someone here. But just having someone here I know is not enough. And even when my here something is missing. I am a whole person on my own. I don't NEED anyone, but I really WANT someone to share my life with. I have a lot to share. Not monetary things to be sure, but laughter, compassion, generosity, companionship, activities, passion, thoughts. It is so easy to find someone to share my bed. But that's not all I want, and so I don't want to settle for just that. Friends are great and I hope to keep them all, but that's not ALL I want either. In screening people to see if they'd fit into my life and vice versa I have found many things. scare some away. That's fine, keep running. My lack of faith has sent others scrambling. I don't feel the need to belong to an organization to be a good person. That's ok too. Others I just can't click with. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's them, also, it's ok. Lots want to start with a sexual relationship and "see where it leads". Hmmm, base a relationship on physical feelings, doesn't seem to be a sound idea to me. Others seem to fall in love before even meeting me. That scares the shit out of me. Real love isn't so easily won. It reeks of stalker. Next. Of course there is the "green card" crowd.  Yep, I attract them a lot. And then there is the "save me from myself" type that I just can't seem to shake. I am not interested in being any ones mommy but my 's. If you can't hold yourself together, what makes you attractive to me? (Nothing is the answer here in case you're scratching your head and wondering.) Apparently married men find me really hot, which is incredibly irritating to me for many reasons. And a lot of people just don't 'get me'. I know, I'm complex. I have a lot of sides to my personality. I'm not a complete nut job, but I have thoughts that aren't so main stream and a personality that is all my own. I have never met anyone exactly like me and I'm willing to bet that no one else has either. So whatever, it's a process this searching thing. And it gets a bit frustrating and at times downright lonely. I miss having someone to call just to say I love you, and to know that no matter how bad things get someones got my back. Except it turns out that I didn't really have that anyways, I only thought I did for a time. So I'm a bit more wary and jaded about it all. And that probably doesn't make me as attractive to some as I want to be. And that makes me even more cautious. I don't want to be caught up in my own personal perceptions instead of reality. And therein sets more frustration and an irritating loop that I find myself on from time to time. The ones that find me attractive, I reject or live so far away that it might as well be Mars, the ones that I find attractive, either reject me, or don't want what I want, or "live so far away that it might as well be Mars. There are all of those "what ifs" that just don't even matter as well, because well it's not a "what if life I have, it is what it is. And I'm not always entirely sure of how find something complimentary and not just different. I don't want to and I won't just hang onto someone out of a fear of loneliness. Being alone is not as bad as being miserable with someone. So I set myself out there on the "meat market" and keep my eyes open for something enticing and testing to make sure it's genuine. Good thing I've got a great sense of humor and can laugh at the whole silly thing.  And really, I am fine, except for those quiet and lonely moments when sleep eludes me because it's just too quiet.  |
|||
|
Awww, you know there are exceptions to every rule right? 
| ||
|
That's just it I suppose, I forget that's it's ok to have time just to myself.  Back at ya.
| ||
|
Now i know how that feels as well been feeling lonely for a few years,and i agree with suzanne1119, i would rather be alone than with someone who isn't right for me,Mind you i think i'm still on MARS anyway Truth,kindness and respect is what i give,and thats all i ask in return How to treat the ladies There39s a right way and a wrong way
| ||
|
It's always nice to meet a kindred spirit and to know that others feel the same way.
| ||
|
Now i know how that feels as well been feeling lonely for a few years,and i agree with suzanne1119, i would rather be alone than with someone who isn't right for me,Mind you i think i'm still on MARS anyway
| ||
10/9/2009 4:24 pm |
Oh I remember that poster. One of those things you could buy in the back of magazines stuck in along with "regular" posters. I think I have done them all. But I have not looked at in years I have to double check.
| ||
|
The grass sometimes seems greener. I try to find contentment with what I do have, but am open to what I think I'd like to have as well.
| ||
|
Oh I remember that poster. One of those things you could buy in the back of magazines stuck in along with "regular" posters. I think I have done them all. But I have not looked at in years I have to double check.
| ||
|
Don't feel so bad, I'm Gemini. Awaiting martians with a smile.
| ||
|
I was 19 the first time and 23 the second. What a dumb ass. I'm definitely more choosey about who I spend my time with. Life is far too short to be miserable with miserable company. But I guess that's kinda my point. It's hard to find good company close to me that is gonna be compatible with me and what I want and need too. Vice versa of course as well. I'm keeping my eyes open. Thanks for the comment.
| ||
|
MY PURPLE GOAT NEEDS A GREEN CARD IN ORDER TO STAY HERE ON EARTH. CAN YOU HELP MY GOAT OUT? … PSYCHO & INSANE Alien Glef   
| ||
|
MY PURPLE GOAT NEEDS A GREEN CARD IN ORDER TO STAY HERE ON EARTH. CAN YOU HELP MY GOAT OUT? … PSYCHO & INSANE Alien Glef
| ||
10/14/2009 4:23 am |
Glad I read this. Personally, I'm alone but not lonely. Things happen, you deal with them, life moves on. I've tried relationships, and people have fallen for me (not saying I'm some Adonis or anything, far from it), and I've been married, seperated now, and I know I will never have anyone solid in my life. I'm just not made that way. I come from a very small family, and when they're gone, I will be alone. The ideological part of me would love a family, a person to hold at night, all of that, but I will never have it. It's taken years of tearing myself up to get it to realise that I will never get there. It's taken me a little longer to be ok with that, but I think I'm there now. I can travel. I can see the world. I can climb a mountain, scream across a canyon, feel the wind in my hair skydiving or look a fish in the eye when diving. I can greet different cultures on their terms and understand a little more of what's around me. I can take risks and do silly things, because if worst actually does come to the worst, there's nobody to worry about crying over me. I can laugh at what terrifies some people. And when I die, I will die, and that will be the end of the ride. There will be no tears, only the security in my heart that I've lived as I wanted to. To quote Neil Gaiman, you get what everyone gets. You get a life. Actually, I think I'll throw this in my blog also.
| ||
|
Glad I read this. Personally, I'm alone but not lonely. Things happen, you deal with them, life moves on. I've tried relationships, and people have fallen for me (not saying I'm some Adonis or anything, far from it), and I've been married, seperated now, and I know I will never have anyone solid in my life. I'm just not made that way. I come from a very small family, and when they're gone, I will be alone. The ideological part of me would love a family, a person to hold at night, all of that, but I will never have it. It's taken years of tearing myself up to get it to realise that I will never get there. It's taken me a little longer to be ok with that, but I think I'm there now. I can travel. I can see the world. I can climb a mountain, scream across a canyon, feel the wind in my hair skydiving or look a fish in the eye when diving. I can greet different cultures on their terms and understand a little more of what's around me. I can take risks and do silly things, because if worst actually does come to the worst, there's nobody to worry about crying over me. I can laugh at what terrifies some people. And when I die, I will die, and that will be the end of the ride. There will be no tears, only the security in my heart that I've lived as I wanted to. To quote Neil Gaiman, you get what everyone gets. You get a life. Actually, I think I'll throw this in my blog also. Thanks for the great and well thought out comment.
| ||
|
We're in the same boat you and I pretty much. My 4 minions are enough to give anyone pause, which I expect and understand. I wouldn't want anyone that would just jump into a relationship anyways regardless. I'm very careful to screen those that I will spend my time with, I'd expect the same. Anyone too eager to be in a relationship kinda turns me off. I am not attracted to desperation or nondiscrimination in ones choices. I expect someone to try hard to get into my life and vice versa. Anything worth having is worth waiting for and working towards.
| ||
|
True friends stick by your side and don't scare away easily. We all have our weak moments of insecurity and of being unsure, it makes us human. Feeling lonely can make us act and feel ways that make us feel terrible and foolish. As long as you and your friend are honest with each other I'm sure it will all work out as it should. I've also felt all alone even when surrounded by people. But I know deep down that there are people that care about me even though I haven't found someone that I feel I could truly share everything with. True friends are hard to find. I don't throw my friends away, and I'm always honest with them. We will both find our right people, and we can laugh about our misadventures together along the way.
|
Become a member to create a blog
