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Spanking the monkey
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Spanking the monkey I love euphemisms. The phrases that someone at some point came up with to describe everything and anything. It cracks me up. I used to be completely brutal when speaking and call everything exactly what it was without much thought of how it was coming out or who it was embarrassing. I mortified my parents and siblings on more than one occasion just calling things how I saw them and not sugar coating anything. I had to work really hard at subtlety and tact. I love to read and so I've come across tons of different phrases that say the things I want to say, but sometimes more gently, or just in a more humorous way, keeping it lighter. The phrase "spanking the monkey" has always brought a vision to my mind that is just evilly wrong. But funny. But wrong. (Yes, I war with myself.) Same with "choking the chicken".  Oh, and "wrestling the one eyed snake". Notice they're all kinda violent phrases?  So I did a google search wanting to find phrases that I hadn't heard a million times before and this is what I found: A Abusing the usual suspect Angry fist action Answer the bone-a-phone Assault on a friendly weapon B Backstroke roulette Baiting your hook Ball off Batting practice Bash the bishop Bash the candle Beat off Beat your hog Beating the bait Beating the bishop Beating the dummy Beating the snake Beating the stick Beating your meat Being your own best friend Belt your hog Blanket drill, The Bleed the lizard Bleed the weed Blessing the alter boy Blow Your load Bludgeon the beefsteak Bop the baloney Bop the boa Bop the hog Boppin' your bologna Box the Jesuit Boxing the clown Buckin' it Buffing the banana Buffing the wood Burping the worm Bust a nut Butter your corn C Cajun clown FriendFinder-x Calling down for more mayo Calling genie Cast off Chafing the weasel Changing your oil Charm the cobra Chicken milking Choking Charlie 'till he throws up Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come Choke Kojak Choke the bishop Choke the chicken Cleaning out the rope Cleaning the pipes Cleaning the rifle Clubbing Eddy Clubbing the dolphin Coax the cajones Coming to grips with yourself Couch hockey for one Cough your filthy yogurt Cracking one off Cracking the fat Crank the Shank Cranking Creaming the banana Crown the king Cuff the carrot Cuff the governor Cuffing the puppy D Date Rosey Palm and her five daughters Dating Miss Michigan Detoxifying the puppy Devil's handshake Diddle yourself Dishonorable discharge Doing the knuckle shuffle on your piss pump Dong flogging Doodle your noodle Drain the dragon Drain the monster Drain the vein Drip the pickle Drop off a load Drubbing the dolphin E Eberting Siskel F Fapping Fertilizing the Lawn Fetch the bagel dog Fiddle the ferret Fight your turkey Firm your worm Fist FriendFinder-x Fist kabobing Fist your mister Five against one Five finger knuckle shuffle Five knuckle olympics Flog yourself Flogging the bishop Flogging the dolphin Flogging your dong Flogging your log Flong your dong Flute solo Flying a kite Fondle the fig Freeing the willies Friction therapy Frig yourself Frigging the love muscle FriendFinder-x Mary Fist G Gallop the antelope Get a hold of yourself Get your nuts off Getting in touch with your manhood Getting in touch with yourself Getting to know yourself Getting your caps peeled Gherkin jerkin' Giving it a tug Giving oneself a "low-five" Giving the John Hancock Grease the pipe Greasing your bone Grip your dip Grooming your junior H Hack the hog Ham shank Hand dancing Hand jive Hand job Handle yourself Hands on training Hand to gland combat Hand to hand combat with the purple helmeted warrior Hand work Having a pull Having a roy Have it off Have one off the wrist Heating up the hot dog Hitchhike under the big top Hitching to Heaven Hit the ham Holding all the cards Holding your sausage hostage Hone your bone Hump your fist Hump your hose Humpin' air I Interrogating the witness Ironing some wrinkles J Jack hammer Jack off Jackin' Jackin' the beanstalk Jag off Jazz yourself Jerk off Jerk the gherkin Jerk the Johnson Jibbin' Jiggle the jewelry Jimmying your Joey Juggling the javelin K Keep the census down Kick one out Killing kittens Killing the beast Knock the top off Knuckle shuffle L Launching the hand shuttle Leakin' the main drain Living by the fat of the hand Lizard milking Loping your mule Lynching the one-eyed monster M Makin' gravy for the biscuit Making the bald guy puke Making nut butter Making yogurt Mangle the midget Manipulate the mango Manual exercise Manual override Manual pollution Masonic secret self handshake Massage the muscle Massage the purple-headed warrior Menage a moi Milking the bull Milking the lizard Milking the monkey Milkywaying Molding hot plastic Muscling up N Nerk your throbber O Oil the glove Oiling the pogo stick Onanism One handed clapping One handed humpty hump love pump, The One handed rodeo, The One-legged race, The One man show One man tug-o-war One man wrestling One man's game P Pack your palm Paddle the pickle Paint the pickle Paint the walls Pat the Robertson Peel the banana Peel the carrot Peter beater Petting the dog Playing with D*ck Playing with Susie Palm and her five friends Playing with the noodle Play pocket pool Play the organ Play the pisser Play the p*ss pipe Play the skin<b> flute </font></b>Play the stand-up organ Playing with the snake Playing your instrument Play with yourself Plunk your twanger Pocket pinball Pocket pool Pokin' the palm Polish the bishop Polish the chrome dome Polish the helmet Polish the rocket Polish the sword Polish your bayonet Polish your helmet Polish your piece Polishing the banister Polishing the cue stick Popping the porpoise Pound off Pound your flounder Pound your p*ss pump Pound your pomegranate Pounding your pud Preemptive infanticide Private arm exercise Prod the peepee Promoting carpal-tunnel syndrome Pudwhacking Pud wrestling Pull the root Pull off Pull your pud Pull your pudding Pull yourself off Pulling the goalie Pulling the p*ss pump Pulling the pole Pulling the pope Pulling the pud Pulling the taffy Pulling the wire Pulling your pickle Pump your pickle Pumping for pleasure Pumping for power Pumping the python Pumping your gas at self-service island Punchin' the clown Punchin' the munchkin Punishing Percy Punishing the bishop Punishing the priest Punishing the Evil Merchant Q [none] R Ram the ham Releasing the hostages Ricky boxing Ride the great white knuckler Ringing the bell Rolling the fleshy blunt Roman helmet rhumba Ropin' the long horn Rope the pony Roughing up the suspect Rounding up the tadpoles Rub off Rub one out Rub the unicorn's horn Rubbing Peter to pay Paula Run off a batch S Saluting the general Sanding the main mast Shaking hands with the unemployed Shlackin' the glacknoid Scraping the carrot Scratching the itch Seasoning your meat Self-love Sending out the troops Setting sail with Captain Thumb on the USS Hand Sex with your best friend Shag off Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln Shaking hands with shorty Shaking hands with the governor Shaking hands with the unemployed Shake the snake Shaking the tree Shifting gears Shine your pole Shining the helmet Shining the torpedo Shooting enemies Shooting practice Shooting putty at the moon Shooting Sherman Shooting without scoring Shower spank Shucking Bubba Shucking the corn Simple infanticide Slam the hammer Slammin' the salami Slappin' pappy Slapping the clown Slapping Uncle Willy Slap boxing the one-eyed champ Slap my happy sacs Slap the salami Slapping the cyclops Slapping your chub Slinging jelly Sloppy Joe's last stand Sloppy sign language Smacking the snake Smite the dragon Snap the monkey Snap the whip Snapping your carrot Solitary sin, The Spank the frank Spank your monkey Spear chucking Spit-shine the purple helmet Splurtin' the spladder bladder Spreading the mayo Spunk the monk Squeeze the cream from the flesh twinkie Squeeze the lemon Squeezing the tube of toothpaste Squeezing the burrito Stall clapping Stir the soup Strangling the snake Strangling the Wonka Stroke off Stroke the stallion Stroke your poke Stroking it Stroking your goat Stroke your poker T Tadpole rodeo, The Taking a core sample Taking a shake break Taking advantage of yourself Taking Herman to the circus Taking Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction Tame the wild hog Taming of the shrew, The Tap the turkey Tease one out Tease the python Tease the weasel Tenderize the meat Tethering the blimp The erky jerk The sticky page rhumba Threading a needle Throttle the bottle Throw off a catch Throwin' down Thump the pump Tickle the Elmo Tickle the pickle Tickle your goodfoot Toss off Toss the boss Toss the midget Toss the turkey Touch off a batch of orphans Tugging the tapioca tube Tugging the tubesteak Tug of war with cyclops Tuning the antenna Turning on the ivory faucet Tussle with your muscle Twang your wire Tweek U Uncorking the champagne Unwrapping the pepperoni V Varnishing the cane Vinegar stroke W Wailing Waking up your bro Walking the dog Walking Willie the one-eyed wonder worm Wang whacking W#nk(ing) W#nk the Willy Wonka Wanking the crank Waxing the dolphin Wax your Jackson Wax your weasel Wax your Willy Whack the bag Whack off Whack your tack Whacking the weed Whapping your wang Whip the cummy Whip your cripper Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel Whipping the pony Whipping the window washer Whipping up a batch White water wristing Whizzin' J*zz Wiggling your worm Willy tickle Winding the Jack In The Box Wing it Wonk your conker Work one out Working a cramp out of your muscle Working your willy Wrestling Jimmy Wrestling the bald-headed champ Wrestling the bald-headed sumo Wrestling the eel Wring out your rope Wring your thing Wringing 'round the rosie Wrist aerobics X [none] Y Yahtzee Yank my doodle dandy Yank off Yank the yodel Yank your crank Yank your yam Z Zipper surfing I also found: flagging the mule, slapping the salami, beating the bishop, whacking off and buttering the corn,too pull the weasel, tug the rope, beat the monkey, polish the knob, do the 5 knuckle shuffle, slide the snake, toss off a batch of orphans, peek-a-boo the mole, plant the carrot, stroke the one-eyed monster, burp the baby, caress the critter So I got thinking. There's all these euphemisms for men...what about us girls? There were a lot more than I'd anticipated. Gagging my meat hole Gagging the clam Gagging the lips of love Genital manipulation Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion Getting a date with slick mittens Getting a lube job Getting a stain out of my carpet Getting a stinky pinky Getting mud for my turtle Getting the last pickle out of the jar Getting the little man in the boat to go fishing Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster Getting to know yourself Gilding the lily Going around the corner Going deep sea diving Going fishing Going mining Going solo Going to and from the Batcave Greasing your hips Gristle rub Groping the grotto Gusset typing Hand tossing the tuna salad Harpooning your tang Having a date with Martin Five-Fingers Having ladyfingers and cream Having sex with someone you love Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw Hitchhiking South Hitchhiking to heaven Hitchhiking under the Big Top Hitting the slit Hitting the spot Honing the stone Hula-hooping Indoor fishing Itching the ditch Jabberwocking Jennying off Jiggling your jenny Jilling off JocelynEldering Jostling the Elder Juicing it up Juicing Lucy Killing off Letting your fingers do the walking Levy break limbo Licking my lips (for us contortionists) "Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)" Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat Making a mini Eiffel Tower Making kitty purr Making my lips swell Making soup Making the little man sing Making your own gravy Manual override Menage a moi Mistressbate Muffin buffin' Nail polish remover Nulling the void Nursing a hatchet wound Opening the bottom drawer Paddling the finger canoe Paddling the pink canoe Pampering the pussy Parting my meat curtain Parting the Red Sea Patting the panky Pearl fishing Peeling the peach Perusing the Yellow Pages Petting Snoopy Petting the kitty Petting the little man in the canoe Petting the petunia Petting the pussy Petting the pussy cat Petting your bunny Petting your kitty Playing couch hockey for one Playing on the cricket green Playing poker Playing solitaire Playing the banjo Playing the beaver Playing the box Playing the clitar Playing the hairy guitar Playing the little Dutch boy Playing the silent trombone Playing the slots Playing with the man in the boat Playing with your pineapple Pluggin the leak Plunging the drain Plunging the happy hole Pokin' the pucker Poking the pudding Polishing the nugget Polishing the peanut Polishing the wedding ring Polishing your pearl Preheating the oven Priming the pump Producing moans (hormones, get it? ;^) Pushing the button Pussy poking Pussy soccer Putting out the fire Putting the dot in .org Reading braille Reading the map of Tasmania Ride the glide until the tide Riding the bed post Riding the cotton pony Riding the unicycle Riding the waterslide Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon Ringing your bell Rocking the boat Rollin the ol' bean Rolling the dough Rolling the marble Romancing thy own Rubbin Hood Rubbin' the nubbin Rubbing the donut Rubbing the red pussycat Rubbing the stub Scoring the hoop Scraping the cheese off the taco Scratching the patch Scratching where it itches Searching for Ms. "G" Seasoning your fish Secret vice Sending Muffin Morse Code Sexercising Shaking hands with Mr. Paul Shaking the dew off the lily Shebopping Shining the diamond Shooting hoops Shooting the rapids Shucking the fresh water clam Shucking the oyster Slappin' the crack Slapping slit Slapping Susie Slapping the flap Slapping the mackerel Slapping the meat curtain Slapping the skunk guts Slicing pie Sliding down the chute Sliding into home Slob the knob Snatching Soaking in Palmolive Soaking the whisker biscuit Softening the peach Spanking the spot Spanking your puppy on the nose Spearing the bearded clam Spelunking Spelunking in the hairy caves Spelunking in the mystery cave Splashing in the sea Squeezing the peach Steaming the oyster Stiffening my upper lip Stinky pinky Stirring it up Stirring the honey pot Stirring the pudding Stirring the sauce Stirring the soup Stoking the furnace Stroking the box Strumming Strumming the banjo Strumming the big open C Surfing the channel Surfing the Slippery Sea Surfing the web Sweeping the chimney Swimming in the crimson lake Swimming in the Pu-Tang River Swimming in the Red Sea Takin' it to tuna town Taking a dip Taking a dip in the lake Taking advantage of yourself Taking the German u-boat into port Tapping the tuna Teasing the kitty Teasing the little man in the canoe Teasing the tuna Teasing the tuna taco Tending your own garden Testing the plumbing Testing your waters The disappearing finger trick The girly gusher The magical disappearing finger trick The ole feel n' squeal The other monthly visitor The two-fingered tango The virgin's release Tickling the kitty Tickling the pearl Tickling the taco Tickling your fancy Tiptoe through the TwoLips Toggling the bit Tossing the pink salad Touching your tigeress Touching your tuna Touring Tasmania (triangular shaped Australian island) Tracing the vertical smile Trolling the Bermuda Triangle Twiddling your twat Twinkling the little star Twirlin' the pearl Two-finger taco tango Two-finger typing Unclogging the drain Visiting Niagra Falls Visiting with Father Thumb and his four sons Visiting your safety deposit box Wading in the Bermuda Triangle Walking Downtown Washing my hands Washing your fingers Waxing the canoe Waxing the milk duds Weaving the carpet Whipping your cream Whipping your nest White knuckling Working in the garden Working out at the Y Wrinkling fingers I now can say that I know way more euphemisms than I will ever need or use.  I was rather surprised to find that the term I use the most wasn't there. Double clicking the mouse.  Are there any that you all have used that didn't make it onto the google list? Anyone gonna use any of these phrases in an email or conversation?   |
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Scraping the carrot? Nursing an axe wound? Ouch! Pretty sure those will never go in an email. Maybe "grabbing your dog by the tail" or "shaking the baby maker"? Nice list (took me a cup of coffee to get through it)! Sapere aude, cor ad cor loquitur. RaMbLiNgS oF a LoSt MiNd
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Poor rat.
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Scraping the carrot? Nursing an axe wound? Ouch! Pretty sure those will never go in an email. Maybe "grabbing your dog by the tail" or "shaking the baby maker"? Nice list (took me a cup of coffee to get through it)! Thanks for sticking in there.
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Blimey that was so much,didn't know that many existed how's about Pulling your Plonker. Oh! and one for when he's cumming in a woman Buttering your muffin Truth,kindness and respect is what i give,and thats all i ask in return How to treat the ladies There39s a right way and a wrong way
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That's quite a list. Usually, I just go for the tried and true "Dancing With Fred Astaire on the Carpet" if I haven't manscaped recently. karlbloggerfeld - Dry-humping your legs since 2007.
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What a great list. I never imagined there would be so many. 
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Blimey that was so much,didn't know that many existed how's about Pulling your Plonker. Oh! and one for when he's cumming in a woman Buttering your muffin Thanks for the additions.
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That's quite a list. Usually, I just go for the tried and true "Dancing With Fred Astaire on the Carpet" if I haven't manscaped recently.
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What a great list. I never imagined there would be so many.
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I know, I had to do a double take when I saw that one.
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12/11/2009 10:21 am |
I am very impressed and I'm looking forward to adding a few of these to my sly use of words!! Thanks for putting so much time into this one.
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I am very impressed and I'm looking forward to adding a few of these to my sly use of words!! Thanks for putting so much time into this one. No problem! Always glad to be of some use. Enjoy and welcome to my blog!
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12/11/2009 1:12 pm |
That’s a pretty in depth list! I can’t say as I would routinely use any of them in email, but I’m sure I could work a few into a conversation from time to time.  H. 
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That’s a pretty in depth list! I can’t say as I would routinely use any of them in email, but I’m sure I could work a few into a conversation from time to time. H.
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4/15/2010 8:54 pm |
That is one heck of a list.
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That is one heck of a list. Welcome to my blog!
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4/22/2011 11:01 am |
thats what I call a comprehensive list, 'tossing the midget' indeed  Bond James 700  The1tonyroneZone always to provoke  the pope on dope
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thats what I call a comprehensive list, 'tossing the midget' indeed
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