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Freakin' Holidays!
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Freakin' Holidays! I know I've been away awhile but I always make it a point to post my fave blog entry. Yes, once again it's time to post our rundown of American holidays and how cherished and spiritual a time of year this is! Happy Holidays to all my blog buddies! As the greatest commercialization of a sacred celebration in our civilization draws near (by that I mean Xmas, of course) it has dawned on me that, as this season of giving has mutated into "gimme more" over the last 100 years, let us reflect on how Americans are uniquely qualified to pervert just about any holiday into a manifestation of the medieval Deadly Sins: 1. Pride-Memorial Day: A day of remembrance. A solemn occasion of honoring the valiant dead who fought to preserve our unique heritage on the bloody battlefield by having a moment of silence, placing a flower on a vet's grave... ...then hopping in my new V6 rolltop with 6-speaker Surround Sound, cruise control, and titanium rims so I can jet down to the beach and show off the hot bod I developed all winter through the Atkins Diet, Bowflex, liposuction, Botox, and bulimia/steroids (you pick!) "Some gave all..." We took the rest! Support our troops-at least until the beach opens! USA! USA! 2. Envy-Valentine's Day: Wasn't Valentine a Saint? How come no one calls him that anymore? Oh, right, because he was sainted for his act of charity and sacrifice, as opposed to this miserable Hallmark holiday which demands that everyone in existence pretend that the person who currently gets them off once a month is his/her soulmate and not some controlling, possessive wacko. What better way to assuage your lovelorn melancholy over that girl who went away to college, or your high school sweetheart who was "too nice to be with me," than to demand chocolates, cards, and jewelry as compensation for settling with a boring loser who farts in his/her sleep, knows more positions on the ballfield/yoga class than in the bedroom, and is allergic to anything that tastes good?! If you really loved me like my ex did, you would know all of this already! Honestly, if this holiday wasn't about jealousy, why would its initials be VD? 3. Sloth-Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: Someone apparently said, 'America, we need another federal holiday because government employees are overworked.' I know! Let's honor our bravest civil rights leader by giving off a Monday in JANUARY so that the only place warm enough to take advantage of it is The DEEP SOUTH! Good thinking! "Hey, what are you doing for MLK Day?" "Ummm-Nothing!" In the name of love, indeed. 4. Anger-Independence Day: I quote the noted American philosopher Homer J. Simpson, "What better way to celebrate your country's independence than by blowing a chunk of it up?" 5. Gluttony-Thanksgiving: A perfect American holiday. Eat and drink all day, then sleep it off while watching football. The Europeans have this too, but they call it "Saturday." Videos of this are shown in Somalia, where it's referred to as "Porn." 6. Greed-Christmas: At least once during the month of December, you will hear the following phrases at least once: "He got more than me!" "At least we've still got more lights than those white trash assholes across the street." "How can Best Buy charge $25 for a Devo CD?" "When is Santa coming? I want presents! Fuck kindergarten!" "I buy you a plasma TV and you got me a frickin' gift card? To Wal-Mart?" "Getouttamyfuckinwayazzhole!" "If I had known that she was making that this year then I wouldn't have made it too but everyone knows that I always make it for Christmas, it's like tradition, almost, and I don't see why a person would take it upon herself to cook something that she knows someone else takes a lot of personal time and energy to make it when Lord knows that this season is so busy as it is..." [Edited for interminable boredom] "YO! Shove that bell up your ass, Santa!" "I already have this. (sigh)" "We have to go to church today?? Fuck that!!!" ...And He shall reign for ever and ever!!! 7. Lust-New Year's Eve: A time for reflection and forecasting, assessing where you've been and where you're going, gleaning wisdom from another year enduring the slings and arrows of ourtrageous fortune, hopefully improving as a human being in terms of kindness, generosity, and compassion. Followed by dressing up for an all-night bash in which you get sloshed just enough to muster the courage to kiss someone at midnight and prove to yourself that even though you have no one to spend the next 365 days with, TONIGHT you're at least... doable! A perfect time for drunken, reckless, unprotected sex with friends, strangers, and sometimes even relatives, and all forgivable because the next day-POOF! It was the OLD 'you' that did it, not the "New, Improved You!" A perfect time to check the expiration dates on your condoms! That's it, then. The 7 Deadly Sins as represented throughout the calendar year. If you can relate and you're female, feel free to contact me. If you can relate and you're male, stay away from my sister!!! HAPPY F*CKIN'HOLIDAYS!!! KILL YOUR TELEVISION!!!  |
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come take me away from it all!!!!!!!!!!
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