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Do you need something to smile about? Here is today's offering:
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Do you need something to smile about? Here is today's offering: Newlyweds travel On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. My new bride headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other."That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport "Most men bring their wives with them. Family jewels Diamonds Are forever. An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me wearing diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby pin, and a gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "If I should die before my husband, I'm certain he'll remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." Homework Geography lesson Stumps dad. A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Dad, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said the father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in the house. "Oldest profession Career choices Spark debate. Three friends – a surgeon, an engineer and a politician – were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said, "Eve was created from Adam's rib – a surgical procedure." The engineer replied, "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?" The Queen's Riddle... Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a . It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a . It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.!!!!!!! Eulogy What they'd like to hear Praises that please. Three friends from the local church were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a difference in people's lives." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!" Aches and pains Doctor doesn't Have leg to stand on. An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg." "I am afraid it's just old age," replied the doctor, "there is nothing we can do about it." "That can't be," fumed the old man, "you don't know what you are doing." "Why do you say that?" countered the doctor. "Well it's quite obvious," the old man replied, "my other leg is fine, and it's the exact same age!" Skim milk Family sours On low-fat diet. To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods like skim milk. She said her family would only drink whole milk, so I suggested she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until one morning her asked whether the milk was OK. "Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?" "Because according to the carton," the explained, "this milk expired two years ago." Lost purse Good deed Rewarded. A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward." A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me ... talking to the beer." Human resources For success. Week 1 – Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 – Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 – Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 – Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 – Memo No. 5 As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. Week 14 – Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Week 18 – Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 – Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the Human Resources Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately. Contact sport can see Clearly now. The lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the asked. 'It's simple. We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a thin piece of plastic "Mom, may I take the for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the . Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young , the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the . "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another is pushing her home." Fetch Daily news Gets delivered. A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspaper every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife answered, "Yes, but we don't subscribe to the paper!" Salary range Boss raises A good point. Our boss told us that an increase in salaries is planned. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?" The boss answered, "As soon as you do." Returning to Work A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we transplanted them into another man, and in only 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now... the whole country is looking for work!!!! Criminal law Defendant changes Plea. After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley replied, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me." Dress code makes Fashion sense. A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend: "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from taking me everywhere with them."  |
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