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The Risk I Took
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The Risk I Took Today, I had to remove a piece of my heart. It's been coming; I've been close a time or to, but today, I had to do it. And right now, the pain is overwhelming, and consuming, and I just want to crawl into myself. But; tomorrow is coming. Over the last few months I blogged about some things that have happened, and the storms it caused. Here is the story. About 16 months ago I received news that changed my life; or, caused a very unexpected detour. I never considered myself "sexual"; and had very little curiosity. In fact, I was quite the prude. And, after an affair, (sorry, no excuses...don't judge until you know the WHOLE story), I was left feeling like the most un sexual, unappealing, unable to please a man, woman alive. Thanks to a friend (hence the avatar factorye; it was her account originally) I took over this site, and a new adventure began. Immediately, I met the most amazing man. He just created a spark; there was this attraction. (let me say, this was a purely sexual spark)...And, we developed a pretty good FWB relationship. And, all of a sudden, I discovered.....I LIKE SEX.....and, I did pretty well after all!! OH!!! TAlk about a new awakening!! My sex life got a dose of jet fuel!! My curiosity was lit; things I never would have considered, I started considering....and wanting.....and the more I tried, the more I wanted to try.... I met another man; one that was so involved in all the things I was curious about. Now let me add: I DID NOT meet just anyone; and I was very selective. And I THOUGHT, very smart. But, too trusting. And yea, then my life detoured. I was diagnosed with HSV2. I was more than devastated; in addition to the immense horror, I had tremendous pain, and was extremely sick, as I also had contracted several other viruses....The stress from my marital situation had so weakened me, that when "sick" season hit at school, I caught everything. 8 viruses within a five week period. HSV break out being the final one. So; had I had it all along, and not known?? Or caught it from one of my FWB. (both said they tested negative.). I'll never know, and it doesn't matter. On to phase two; after dealing with this for months, and feeling my sexual awakening was doomed, I did meet someone that was also positive. We corresponded; and, crazy as it sounds, there was an immediate "recognition". No, this wasnt a sexual spark; it was so much more. It was like feeling I had known him for ever; a feeling of comfort and ease; like finding a kindred spirit. Yes, over the net, through an email. I felt it. That immediate connection. Over the next few months, we corresponded constantly; texts, IM's, phone calls, emails. He was quite an experienced lifestyler; believes in open relationships, and seeks polyamarous relationships. We talked, debated, challenged. And yes, I was won over for a visit. He was supposed to be safe; he lived too far away to be more than a fun, enlightening, week of experimental fun. He touched my soul and my spirit in a way I didn't expect. I went back, for a second more amazing visit. And now, I can't. I have to make changes in my life. There just simply aren't the finances available for this. I have the wants, the needs, the desires, but not the means. And, I just feel, the longer I hold onto those; the more we continue to correspond, the more storms it will brew. I tried to put it in perspective; but I just can't. So, I felt, the best thing to do is to remove that part of my heart.....set it aside, and get on. Until, or unless I can accept it for what it was. And for what It cannot be. So, today, I feel like I had to cut out a part of my heart. It hurts, for so many reasons. The wants, the needs, the part that felt so good but cant be. (unless I win the lottery!!) The part of me that feels so incredibly stupid for allowing it to happen. The part of me that is so scared I won't find anything else similar. But, it had to be done. And now?? I'll cry, and I'll hurt, and I'll grieve, and I'll feel foolish.....and I'll blog.... I just didn't know he would capture a part of my spirit; my being. Or perhaps I did, and I took the risk anyway. |
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Factorye - wish I could  you. I am so very sorry my friend. Sometimes you have to take the risk. Without the risks, you would never know. A little similarity in my situation now -I didn't know he was coming down my road. I didn't know that he was going to capture a part of me either - BUT I would never change a single thing. He has enriched my life in so many ways. Besides becoming one of my best friends. Keep your hope, you just never know what tomorrow is going to bring. AKPuma is right - Take action. Become who you want to be. Find a way my friend. BehindMyBlues
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I can understand. I'm so sorry. I do know how you feel, it can hurt a lot but you know what is right for you. Hugs, JC
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You know I am feeling your pain my sweet! I think I have gotten through the hard part though, and realize I am very fortunate for having my Little Princess in my life! My thoughts of her leaving me were just that... thoughts. Who knows how long it will last, but I am content (more than that!)... elated that she actually wants to see me. Insecurities sure do have a way of consuming you! Hope all works out for the best love! J  Thoughts from the Garden...
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I'm sorry for you...and happy at the same time (I know, sounds weird). You lived. You loved. Keep living my dear. Life is a journey, and this is a bump in the road. Bob Peace is my sister. wgf And please...the name is Bob...not clit. watch [blog clitlick4you]
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Thanks so much; for the comments and the emails... Yea; it hurts....Do I regret it?? Not a minute.....would I do it again?? Absolutely.... AKPuma: Thank you...I am quite content with the sexual, spiritual awakening I have had. This was part of it; and the biggest reason it hurts to not have more....Love?? No....I adore him, for many reasons, but will not allow the Love.....another blog at another time.... BehindmyBlues: He has not only brought unique opportunities to me (and not just the sexual) but he touched me in a way I didnt know I could be touched. I wouldnt change anything. And no, I do no know what tomorrow may bring. I just know what today cant have.....and will deal with that. Thanks for the hug....sooooo needed right now. Jgc: Thank you....sometimes, I am not so sure I do know...But this seemed to be what was needed. Gardenboy: I know, you know....Like recognizes like....as I did with him...Just wasnt meant to be, at least not for me. May the sun continue to shine and the rain continue to nourish your garden. Bob: Yes, I did. I risked, I lived, I felt, I grieve.....all part of life. I think; I just needed to express this...to say it out loud....I have known it for many weeks....I just needed to confess it publicly. And let the healing begin....
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Darlin', Methinks it is time for you to read Essence Be In Tune. Come visit openagenda: provocative thought, adult discussions, sexy pics & giggles.  Is This How Friday The GET IT ON Solution MASSAGE exploring partners SEDUCTION Love What is it Relationship Rules Trust and other Issues Essence Be In Tune Does Size Matter The Facts Hand in Hand
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Darlin', Methinks it is time for you to read Essence Be In Tune. And yes, I love the picture of a mosaic.....An ongoing, everchanging mosaic; with some patterns, some familiar, some mistakes. I once was told that life is like a tapestry. On one side, there is a beautiful, artful picture. But turn it over, and you see what it is made of. Knots, strands, frays; areas that my be tied together; areas where the thread crosses and recrosses, and others where it is barely holding together. While right now I may be grieving, at other times the thoughts of this experience bring forth a feeling like the sun shining and the brightest of rainbows after the most severe of storms. I think I will have to read that a few more times...thank you so much for sharing.
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