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Why did he cheat? We were in an "open" relationship FFS!
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Why did he cheat? We were in an "open" relationship FFS! Every couple who decides to be in an "open" relationship makes their own rules. Cheating is usually defined as breaking those rules. So it's not infidelity in the typical, monogamous way of thinking about it, which is basically having sex with anyone else, outside the relationship. In open relationships, the line between cheating and fidelity is not so clearly defined. In my case, I was in a primary loving relationship with man where we defined cheating as having sex with someone else without the other's knowledge and consent. My lover chose to lie about being with another woman, and even though my gut told me he was lying by omission from the start, and I found out early on, he still chose to go out with her and fuck her and lie to me about it. I will probably never truly understand why he chose to do that. A relationship that allows sex outside of it might seem like it would be "cheat-proof". I have been asked, "But how can you say he cheated, you knew he was fucking other people". It was the lying about it that made it cheating. It wasn't that he fucked someone else, it was that even after I found out about it, he kept doing it and lying about seeing her. In my case, the lying and repeated deceit was what was so devastating. It's been a month now and I'm not over it all yet. His decision to cheat like that effected me in many negative ways, probably the most devastating was that I then called into question everything he had ever told me. If he could lie like that, repeatedly, then how could I trust anything he'd ever said? It has tortured me for several weeks now. One of the reasons it was such a special kind of fucked up also was the reason/justfication he gave for why he chose to lie and continue to lie. I asked him torturous questions like: Was the Other Woman really great/better than me in bed? No, he told me. Was she prettier/funnier/whatever more than I was? No. Did you have feelings for her? Not really, she was nice and fun to be around but that was it. Then why? Since the beginning of this year I have been having really bad hormonal problems and the symptoms have really interrupted my life negatively. My partner and I were still having sex, seeing each other as often as possible and the sex was still awesome for both of us. During this time of me having "girl problems" was when he decided to cheat on me. He said he didn't tell me he was going out with/fucking her to "save my feelings". My response to that was: WTF?!?! How on earth can you say that you chose to fuck up our relationship in such a way to "spare ME"?He just wanted to get his dick wet, without any thought to my feelings! Or any respect for our open relationship, obviously! So, why do you think he cheated? I know you don't have all the info, but in general, why would a man choose to lie when he had permission to fuck someone else in the first place? Why do men (and women I suppose) choose to lie about such a thing? |
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Well.....Everyone has a different personality, and we oftentimes wound ourselves in the most grievous of ways by assuming that we all think the same way. I know , from painful experience, that there are both people who get their biggest thrill from lying, and those that cannot help themselves from doing so. In either case, those of us who try to lead a life of honesty can NEVER relate to these personality flaws, and perceive such people as evil. And yet...especially in the case of those who cannot stop themselves from perpetuating their untruths, are they not more to be pitied for never being able to create an honest and loving relationship? Even those who find it arousing to hold someone so in thrall that the lies come easy will eventually find themselves alone, since discovery is always just one loose word away.It's even been speculated that people with that flaw are actually seeking to be caught, since it is generally accepted that a lack of self-worth drives them to self-destroy the thing that they most desire, a stable relationship which validates themselves. Siren and I have often said that everyone on a sex site must be damaged to a greater or lesser degree. I think this is a clear example of that theory at work. Should you then feel pity for this person Ms 4Real? Probably not, your pain is real, and will always hurt....but perhaps viewing it as an unmanageable personality flaw will allow you to better understand the WHY....and perhaps let you move on to whatever and whoever it is that YOU really want from Life. We hope so, because 4Real, like everyone else, deserves to be content.
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I can't tell you why, but lying ruins any relationship, open or not. Trust is the base of any relationship, without it there is none WITHOUT PASSION LIFE IS NOTHING
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