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Possessiveness~ my inner freak out
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Possessiveness~ my inner freak out Possessiveness~ my inner freak out I am a strong, loving and very capable woman. I know this. For the most part my self esteem is healthy and despite some little demons I am great. One of my biggest demons I am dealing with is possessiveness. Possessiveness~ worse to me than jealousy~a serious killer of love. I looked it up on the internet and it talks about jealousy, insecurity and control. Sounds fucking awful huh? Yeah, thus when the shit comes up for me I feel less than human. I feel a type of rage at myself and others that sickens me. Mix into this being polyamorous in an open relationship. Fireworks! At first I was really hard on my St/Vk. I felt more than nervous that he would leave me. I was terrified. We were in the process of navigating through our boundaries and agreements. What feels good? What does not feel good. Who is sexting him and how often? I finally had to release and let go. Not of him, but my controlling monster and trust that he is not going to abandon me for someone else. It still flairs up in me. Frequently I am chagrined to admit, but yes, it still flairs up with my amazingly devoted St/Vk. We came up with some boundaries which helped us both. They may seem simple to you, but for us they were very important: My friends are off limits and his family is off limits. Now if you know us that would mean half the population, but so far we have made it work and it is a non-negotiable. On my part this is an intense one. One of my closest vanilla friends asked me the other day why I can share my St/Vk with my dark chocolate friends and not with her. I told her I would have to give that some thought. What has come up for me is the very reason we have these established boundaries, what if? What if it goes badly and I not only lose my St/Vk but my close friend as well? That would cripple me with grief and trigger my Alpha Hackle to a point where it would be a lose/lose situation. We have dabbled our toes in those waters before and it was obvious I cannot handle the perspective loss that could happen. This has been a pattern in my life with my friends and people I love. Because of my ferocious attachment to people I love, I get the crazy flip side of what if they leave me? What if they fall in love with someone that is cooler than me, (right?) All the what if’s are not even legible in my mind. It is more of a primal feeling of freak out. Oddly enough it does not happen with my and their stepmothers. Must be that I feel so secure in my relationship with them that I can relax and know that I will not be replaced. IN fact I support fully my having good relationships with other parental figures. I think it goes back to my dad abandoning me when I was young for other women/families. Or to my first husband, the Barbarian, cheating on me while I was 19 and pregnant with our second . Not only did he cheat on me, it was with one of my closest friends at the time. The person that threw a baby shower for me. That I spent time with every day. Trust was shattered in the Barbarian and in friendships on some level for quite a long time. But the worst was I felt like I could not trust my own sense of reading people’s signals. Really hurt me deeply for a long time. So when I feel my relationship is threatened in any way, my possessive Alpha hackles are visible to myself and those I am in relationship with. One website I saw while doing research recommended that I use Bach’s Flower Essence of Chicory, to help you let go of those you care for, allowing them to lead their own lives. I am not kidding you. That’s what it said. Believe me, I want to get over this issue. It makes me sick and I feel so terrible when it comes up. I was at a girl’s party the other night and a woman there mentioned that she knew my All Star and she had played with him months ago. Claws. Hackles. Nostrils Flaring. But did I show it? Oh no. I am a brilliant actress when I want to be. I laughed with her and told her that I would drown in this type of relationship if I freaked out over these types of situations. I meant what I said, at least my rational self did. She was very funny and nice, and though I did not feel threatened by her or her energy, I was still very upset. A terrible dynamic that comes up after I feel this way is a weird type of punishment towards my St/Vk and All Star. I feel like abandoning them before they abandon me. Run & hide while simultaneously preparing for battle. Or just plain ole beat the shit out of them! I turned to the book by Tristan Taormino, Opening Up, A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Tristan talks about the issue of possessiveness in<b> open relationships </font></b>and how it is different than in traditional relationships. At the core of possessiveness are two beliefs: that a person can be a possession that there is not enough to be shared. He goes on to talk about generosity being the opposite of possessiveness and how if you have your needs met and have had enough attention from your husband/lover/friend then your ability to be generous increases. So, what the hell am I supposed to do about this shit? I tell you what I am going to do~ * Affirm in myself that I am loved and enough * Focus on breathing deeply and releasing when these feelings come up * Have open dialogue with my significant people about what I need from them * Continue being gentle with myself when I feel this way instead of beating myself up * Stop going into a rage and withdrawing/punishing those I love * Start slathering myself with that damn Chicory crap! I am enough. I am loving. I love to share. I trust that people will not abandon me. Rock on~ Much Love As Always! xoxoxoxoxo A/s  Alphasiren~ Swimming through the waters of non traditional relationships~  |
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9/21/2011 11:03 am |
Ease is hard to find at times. Slather liberally.
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