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| Blogs > Old_Soldier45 > Musings Of An Old Soldier |
So you think you’re tough????
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So you think you’re tough???? So you think you’re tough???? Well I am back....yep, the grumpy; opinionated old boy has decided to venture back into this incomprehensible world of sex and debauchery for another run at finding that one last cute woman with no taste in men.....and of course the absolutely worst way to make that happen is to advertise my thoughts and feelings in my first blog on returning..... Before I resort to my usual sarcastic, cynical musings I thought I would bring up something important and sincere with the hopes perhaps it might jar something in one or two minds out there. After leaving the site 2 years ago, I had very serious life-threatening surgery, no joke, no bullshit, the coroner was parking the bus surgery....and I made it...knock on wood. What I want to talk about is what happened after the surgery. Like many of you out there, I am single, live on my own (no not in my mom’s basement). Being a retired soldier, I had spent my life living out of a suitcase and travelling, even while I was married, so when I finally retired I decided to settle in Winnipeg, a great little city but one where I knew maybe 3 people. Over the last ten years since retiring, I have made a few casual friends, quite a few acquaintances and a handful of ex-girlfriends.....that is my whole social circle. I have no family to speak of, my is on her own in Edmonton, I have never worked here in Winnipeg so no co-workers/peers, so when the hospital asked about a next of kin....other than my (who as much as I love her I would never trust with life altering decisions) I had no one to put down.......at least not locally... PATHETIC Seriously....how pathetic is that...a grown man who literally has no-one in his life that he can turn to in time of need? Now let’s be honest, I am not the type of person who is world famous for feeling sorry for himself or who is always<b> whining </font></b>and asking everyone for help. I have a twisted sense of pride in my ability to handle anything that comes along......and for the first time in my life I was in a situation where I was literally helpless....and my pride, and perhaps my inability to allow anyone close, put me in a very precarious situation. The day after the surgery, I was laying in the hospital, tubes going in and out, breathing and peeing though other tubes (hopefully they don’t get them confused) in a wonderful drug induced haze reflecting on my life and the situation I was in. And of course to make matters worse, I was still Sarge.....sigh.....lol, you thought I was grumpy when I was healthy, you should go ask the nurses what they thought.....lol. Not to sound too self-pitying, I was surprised by how many visitors I had, especially people who I had met on this site and on POF over the years.....I was touched by their concern, but once again these are casual friends and acquaintances, not that “true friend” you can turn to and say “I need help”.....you know just writing that freaked me out a bit.....I have never in my life to my recollection ever asked for help.....probably one of the worst traits about me. Anyways, so there I am, driving the nurses nuts, pissing off the doctors (I am sorry, but how can you take a surgeon seriously who wears cowboy boots), and they are telling me I should expect to be in ICU for at least another week......sigh....that’s where the real part of this rambling blog begins. As weak as I felt, and this is a man who has had a broken back, and I have never felt as helpless as I did then, though I was mobile (ever so slowly....I could walk....10 mins to walk down the hall). I had no strength, because of the surgery, every one of my ribs had been forcibly dislocated, and every muscle from my abs to my shoulders had been incised.......I literally, honestly could not pick up anything heavier than my cell phone. But I couldn't handle the hospital.....I have never been a fan of them and I spent every minute from the time I woke up after the surgery trying to get out. So I finally pissed the surgeon off enough he let me sign the “against medical advice” forms and leave....as long as I had someone at home to look after me....well not even thinking beyond the moment, I lied and said yep.....took an hour to get dressed (no joke, try putting on jeans and boots when you can’t bend or lift anything) and was rolled down to the entrance of the hospital where I walked out....got in a cab....and went home. That’s when it really hit me......I was alone. I mean ALONE. If I was to fall over right then and there no one would find me until a few months later when the neighbors complained about the smell or the bills weren't paid, and the physical condition I was in, falling over was a real likelihood. A life being the tough guy, of being the man who didn't need anyone had brought me this point, where it took me 15 mins to get out of bed, to where I couldn't even go buy groceries for myself for 2 months.....2 months. Alone is a fucking scary thing......and for me at least, I never realized that until I was truly helpless and had no-one to turn to. Alone is terrifying when you are standing in the shower and your foot slips and you “almost” fall, knowing you would never have gotten up on your own. Alone is the pain of trying to make a sandwich and the jar of Peanut Butter on the shelf weighs so much you almost pass out. Alone is the frustration of not being able to dress yourself properly. Alone is lying in bed, unable to sleep because of the pain and repeating to yourself “it’s going to get better....it’s going to get better” and not believing a word of it. Alone is not as cool as I once thought So to stop the melodrama and to stop boring all or any of you folks who usually read my blogs for a different sort of story, I will simply say, if you have a chance, and it’s not too late.....don’t ever put yourself in a situation where you are truly alone....as I said, it’s a fucking scary place to be. |
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Wow! And sad to say, I know exactly how that feels.  Dreaming2nite 
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Thank you for the kind words folks, as I said in the blog I was surprised by the well wishers that came to visit and obviously now those who are taking the time to comment.... I am not trying to get on a soap bo  as usual) but for a man such as myself and I am sure like many of you out there....that first moment, at home alone, helpless as a kitten, was fucking terrifying....I made it through those first couple of months thanks to my neighbors believe it or not, who made a point out of checking in on the old boy, but at the same time, it does alter ones point of view slightly when meeting new people and evaluating future relationships
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Reading this story was very scary, for me. Obviously, you survived the surgery and made a recovery, or you wouldn't be writing. But still, my heart was beating furiously as I read, hoping you did not injure yourself further with your bullheadedness. Is that a word? Glad that you are getting better. Take care and work on the alone thing.
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Are you feeling better after my "midnight caller" reached out? I enjoyed our conversation...hugs!
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I think the 'bravest' part in this whole ordeal is having the guts to get it 'out'. Bravo, my man! Bravo!
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Thank you again folks, and yes Rottie, I do have a hankering for those "midnite callers" lol. I cant honestly say that I am braver or stronger, the reality is my life hasnt changed anymore than the fact I am now aware of first my own aging process, secondly the reality that certain issues are beyond our conrol, and lastly, as complacent as I was, I dont think I want to continue on this path as is..... so ladies be aware, I might actually try to snarl one of you from all these pretty fellas.... Sarge
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You know this is probably going to sound really funny to you but; I bet that when some of those acquaintances came to see you they asked if they could do anything to help you, and you tough guy said no. That was your opportunity right there to trun at least one of those acquaintances into a true friend that you can turn to in need, because inorder to have a friend you need to be a friend and show some vulnerability. Good girls go to heaven,....Bad girls go EVERYWHERE! I love to travel  Come visit my blog tigger678902
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smiles softly at the strength it took you to admit this, a warm hug to say im sorry you had to experience this to begin with....
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Hmm...hankering, huh??? Giggles, until you leave me a vmail apologizing for the night before call while I am at work, eh? Good thing I have thick skin and compassion.   
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