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| Blogs > gottaring > Out of the Mouth of a Babe... |
FWB...Friends With BandAids
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FWB...Friends With BandAids How do you get what you need? Not tangible items...though if generosity is what you seek it could manifest itself in the giving of 'things'. I'm talking about the other stuff...compassion, a shoulder to cry on, someone to support you and lift you up when you need it...that kind of stuff. How do you get it? Do you ask for it? Should you HAVE to ask for it? I try to be a person who can sense a need and adapt to fit it- if I sense that you need me, I will come running. Sometimes I might be oblivious, but a slight hint will usually kick my compassion into gear. But I know that I can't be all things to all people. And I think I sometimes wish that certain people could be all the things I need them to be. I have a few people i can count on when I need to be talked off the ledge. Out here, Sailfast64 is one of them. Spiderj72 is another. GoodLoyalDog has filled in on occasion without even knowing it. I seem to gravitate to men in times of angst- I think they appeal to my need to feel protected. IRL, I have Hubby, of course. He's built for comfort. Doesn't matter why i'm sad, he always has a spot in his lap for me. And yes, I crawl into his lap like a - it's why I married a man who is built like a lumberjack. I guess my question to you is this: do you compartmentalize people? Certain folks are great for hanging with on poker night, but you wouldn't expect them to comfort you in times of need. Others are fantastic at helping to pick up the pieces, but might not be so much fun at a dinner party...you get where I'm going with this. What about Lovers...the FWB types. Do you expect that they should be there when you need them beyond the bedroom? Or do you resign yourself that friends are friends and Lovers are Lovers and, while overlap might be desirable, you can live without it? And the ultimate question: What if you CAN'T live without it? Sailfast made a good point on one of my other posts: "...the nature of this site lends itself to the question of loving 'parts' of someone. Not those parts (well yeah, that too), but rather the parts you share as playmates, FBs, FWBs, or whatever. I think it's rare that the relationships formed here (A.F.F.) are complete relationships. There are several exceptions, of course, but for the most part, they aren't full on "put your dirty socks in the hamper" relationships. Circumstances may dictate that only certain portions can be shared. With that said, the parts shared together can be amazing, intoxicating, and definitely (for me, anyway) fulfill the definitions of love, to an appropriate degree, as you mentioned. That doesn't mean that I'd love the way she'd fold the laundry or always leave the top off the toothpaste." Interesting perspective, huh? I'm too old to expect anyone to change, whether it's a friend, a Lover or a husband, for that matter. I'm realistic...if you aren't what I want and need, I'm not going to try and change you. You either fit the bill, or you don't. But perhaps I'm defining "the bill" too narrowly. Maybe, I need to recalibrate my expectations of others and relegate them to then role they WANT to fit, not the one I wish they would. That way, no one ends up disappointed. Right? When it comes to sex, I need a STRONG connection. Otherwise, the page just keeps buffering and takes FOREVER to load... |
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GOOD
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How do I get what I need? I ask for it. If I ask for it from someone who I think I should be able to get it from but I don't get it, I re-evaluate that relationship and determine what changes I need to make to avoid any further mismatched expectations. Do you ask for it? Should you HAVE to ask for it? Of course, absolutely. People are not mind readers. No matter how much they might or might not love us, they don't necessarily know what we need or how we need it or when. While it's true that we might get to know someone the longer and more intimate the connection we share with them is, people can be surprising, or what we need may change or they might not even notice that we are in need. Another benefit of asking for what we need it that is forces us to be honest and clear with ourselves, something that is sorely lacking with many people. It also forces us to make a commitment to what you want. If we say to someone, "I need to spend more time with you on the weekends", then that means that we need to be sure that we make ourselves on more available on weekends too. If not, then our need may be a "gotcha!", a trap, a puzzle the person we are asking it of can't ever solve. (That's where the whole self honesty thing come in. Sometimes it's easier to make our love/attention/commitment contingent on something we know the other person can never do because then we have an automatic out of a situation.) I guess my question to you is this: do you compartmentalize people? Certain folks are great for hanging with on poker night, but you wouldn't expect them to comfort you in times of need. I don't think I compartmentalize people so much as I let relationships find their own level, sort of like water. I have certain absolutes, for example, I don't put myself in a position to become involved with someone who is attached. Th whole FWB thing? There's a reason that it's "Friend with benefits" and Not "Someone I fuck that I occasionally go to a diner with". I'll give you an example; About 5 years ago my boyfriend unexpected got sick and died. Our relationship was open and I had an FWB who I spent every other Friday night with. I had stayed up all night with my b/f because they were taking hm off of life support the next day. I texted my FWB and told him that my BF was dying and that I didn't want to be alone. He cleared his schedule and spent the next three days with me making sure I ate, slept, went to my therapist and generally took care of myself. And when I was too distraught to take care of myself, he took care of me. The interesting thing is that I met him on this site under an old profile. This site doesn't put the constraints on what a relationship can or should be, the people involved do. Wow, this is deep thinking for me the day after Christmas. I have more to say, but want to absorb first Captivate my mind...and who knows what will follow. Discover more of my ramblings at [blog geysergirl] 
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I love what BrownEyedBBW said, I don't think I compartmentalize people so much as I let relationships find their own level, sort of like water. It speaks to the fact that like water, the best relationships have the capacity to find their own level, and that they are fluid; the levels can rise and fall with the circumstances. I don't think it's necessarily realistic to expect a single person fill all of ones needs. Quite honestly, I'm not sure that'd be much fun, anyway. It's the rich tapestry of the relationships that we experience (family, friends, lovers, etc.)that makes life worth living. After all, if that were true, I would never have met you and developed an unhealthy addiction to gingerbread and Starbucks. And I certainly would not have smiled nearly as much the past year  .I think the point of my 'incomplete relationships' comment was the fact that you can fall/feel/experience them much deeper because they aren't encumbered by the baggage of a more comprehensive relationship. They can just be what they are.
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How do I get what I need? I ask for it. If I ask for it from someone who I think I should be able to get it from but I don't get it, I re-evaluate that relationship and determine what changes I need to make to avoid any further mismatched expectations. Do you ask for it? Should you HAVE to ask for it? Of course, absolutely. People are not mind readers. No matter how much they might or might not love us, they don't necessarily know what we need or how we need it or when. While it's true that we might get to know someone the longer and more intimate the connection we share with them is, people can be surprising, or what we need may change or they might not even notice that we are in need. Another benefit of asking for what we need it that is forces us to be honest and clear with ourselves, something that is sorely lacking with many people. It also forces us to make a commitment to what you want. If we say to someone, "I need to spend more time with you on the weekends", then that means that we need to be sure that we make ourselves on more available on weekends too. If not, then our need may be a "gotcha!", a trap, a puzzle the person we are asking it of can't ever solve. (That's where the whole self honesty thing come in. Sometimes it's easier to make our love/attention/commitment contingent on something we know the other person can never do because then we have an automatic out of a situation.) I guess my question to you is this: do you compartmentalize people? Certain folks are great for hanging with on poker night, but you wouldn't expect them to comfort you in times of need. I don't think I compartmentalize people so much as I let relationships find their own level, sort of like water. I have certain absolutes, for example, I don't put myself in a position to become involved with someone who is attached. Th whole FWB thing? There's a reason that it's "Friend with benefits" and Not "Someone I fuck that I occasionally go to a diner with". I'll give you an example; About 5 years ago my boyfriend unexpected got sick and died. Our relationship was open and I had an FWB who I spent every other Friday night with. I had stayed up all night with my b/f because they were taking hm off of life support the next day. I texted my FWB and told him that my BF was dying and that I didn't want to be alone. He cleared his schedule and spent the next three days with me making sure I ate, slept, went to my therapist and generally took care of myself. And when I was too distraught to take care of myself, he took care of me. The interesting thing is that I met him on this site under an old profile. This site doesn't put the constraints on what a relationship can or should be, the people involved do. Wow, this is deep thinking for me the day after Christmas.
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I am with PussNBooties, I stand alone with one difference. I have friends,I have FWB,I have lovers,I even have a Master.But I stand alone by choice.MY choice.
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12/26/2011 6:36 pm |
It's hard to draw lines in relationships... people aren't *really* wired that way - we only walk those lines when we make ourselves. "I reject your version of reality & substitute my own"  Offended Yet? Sign Here: [post 2929227] I mean seriously, DO IT!! Have you ever tried Sloggin' it? Blogger Slogger The best of some of the Canucks I love: [blog CanadaWeek]
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Very interesting post. It's something I have never really thought about. I'm now stewing on this and asking just what do I expect from certain people. Thanks, Hugs, JC
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More or less I try to be there for anyone I consider a friend. I try to let them know that they can always come to me if they have a problem, for compassion, a shoulder to cry on or just a sounding board. When it comes to needing those thing. I actually try not to burden people with my problems (even though I know that not everyone would feel like I was doing that, and I don't feel like others do that to me). So I tend to bottle up a lot of stuff and what people do see is usually over flow. As far as compartmentalizing goes. I don't really compartmentalize people at all. I do however compartmentalize behaviors. So if someone is a FWB for example (not that I've ever had anyone hang around long enough to actually be considered that). I know there is a time for the friend and a time for the benefits.
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12/25/2011 4:35 pm |
I don't think compartmentalize is the right word, but everyone in our Lives fill certain roles. I have close friends (mostly women), drinking friends (mostly guys) sports buddies (a mix), and Lovers (always women), and they fit into their roles with me and me with them. They can overlap - some drinking friends are also sports buddies, a Lover is always a close friend. However drinking friends, usually being male, are rarely Lovers, unless we drink A LOT. I'm happy to let people fill whatever role they want because I'm happy they're in my Life. I will gratefully take whatever they can give me and I will give them as much as I can.
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This topic has to be the most common thing we sisters in womanhood share. Sex is so good and important, but there are other needs a woman has to find a way to fulfill. If they can be quenched via one man, as in a husband, life is grand. If not, life is a struggle. I definitely compartmentalize people. I realized that one day when I started thinking about a particular lover and whether I could actually spend more than a couple of hours with him while not having sex. It would be impossible. I know for a fact we would not get along at all. As far as the other kinds of needs, I fall back on my ex some. Or I just keep it inside and quietly deal with things by myself. At this time I don't have a confidant, male or female, lover or otherwise. Someday I need to change that. I don't think it's healthy not to have one. Thank for sharing so much of yourself.
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Welcome to the mess I have created. I have multiple lovers, with all but one we keep it at benefits, they are always there with a joke or a howdy, but I wouldn't call them if my car broke down or my sitter bailed. The one I would call...well, we were very close early this year, but an emotional rift is splitting us right now. I think you put it nicely...they will fit the role they want to fit, not the one you want them to fit. And forcing people to change never works...ask my X that! Within and without this site, I very rarely find people who have a complete relationship--There are so many people who keep vital bits of themselves locked away, until those bits grow overpowering. Don't go drowning in the holiday pool now, find the plus! Ur.Grrl.CC 
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My goodness... that is quite a bit to chew on during Christmas day my sweet! My life is chock full of compartments. I wish it were otherwise, but who can be all things to every person? I certainly am not. If you need a shoulder to cry on, want to talk about the deeper things in life, need acceptance and compassion, then I am your man. If you want to hang at home, watch a movie, cuddle and feel truly special, then once again, I am your man. But... if you want someone who will shine in social situations, be the life of the party, Mr. Charming and Mr. Joke and Storyteller, then look elsewhere. Boring I know... but that is who I am. Thoughts from the Garden...
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i really wish today wasnt story day for me because i do have a whole pile of thoughts on this one. the first being that i am honored that i am your list. really honestly honored. secondly i have some very real feelings on flipping the friend thing to FWB and how to keep FBs just that and not have the emotional side creep in. Ultimately look at your last couple of sentences and ask yourself the questions do i have to keep everyone happy? and do i have to change? I will be posting about this one for sure.
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i let people be what and who they are but i find there is a reason for that that may not be so above board... i also call it giving them enough rope to hang themselves: it allows me the perfect excuse to keep them at arm's length and basically lets me off the hook for any deeper commitment. i find lately that i am not willing to give in on what i expect from a mate and no one is capable of being the mate i would need if i truly needed someone, so them being themselves and me being alone serves everyone well. it doesn't cramp my style or theirs.
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