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Recent Widowhood - How
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Recent Widowhood - How It will be a month since my husband shot himself in front of me on May 6th, the day before our first anniversary. It had been a struggle that year as he had an 8 year drinking problem which when we were first dated he had it under some control. Eventually he could not hide it especially when he had invited me to move in three months from when we met. Occasionally this darker meaner Danny would appear...his face more flush and his eyebrows would raise/ He was verbal and mentally abusive, threats with guns, yellig and calling me things.. breaking my things.. terrorizing Next day he would remember glimpses and felt guilty which made him drink more and the cycle would repeat becoming more escalated. Eventually in March after being threatened with a gun and he shot a hole in the roof I said it was time for me to leave. I wanted that we stay married but we live separate. I would come stay some night and that he can not come to my place if he has been drinking. Day before the movers he had me hostage he was planning a murder suicide He was afraid he was loosing me. Police came and he was arrested. I helped find him a lawyer and explained Danny does not need to be incarcerated he needs mandatory treatment, I spoke to the judge on the initial hearing not to put a restraining order and surprising the DA and our lawyer the judge did not put the restraining order If he had Danny would have probably killed himself sooner May 7th was the hearing before they decide if it goes to trial. Our lawyer said if he had a crystal ball it would say probation and treatment. Everything was looking good, Danny had been going to AA everyday, but the last two weeks he got eek and worried about the DA... obsessed they were going to throw the max. No matter what anyone told him, those last two weeks he started drinking again and giving away his things and telling anyone,<b> dong </font></b>tell my wife I started drinking. But I could tell. I would ask if he was slipping and he say no.. but gave this guilt lil boy look and he knew if he goes back drinking he would likely lose me for good. It made him drink more and I came less that week because he aid he had things to do I took his blanket Friday morning It had a big hole so I was going to spend Friday night mending the hole.. invite him over Saturday to watch Solient Green He loved that movie. Bought all kinds of treats and changed the sheets.,, was planning on a very romantic night Spoke to him at 2pm He said he had a few errands and that he would be over... came 8pm he had not arrived.. I tried to call at 8 and 9 and 10 no answer He called back at Midnight to say he wanted to go fishing first thing inthe morning He would not answer why he did not come over... but I can tell he was drinking He kept calling back till 2am I said I will see him after he comes back from fishing... Next day I get there at 11 and he just got back I asked again why he stood me up it was our anniversary weekend at times he pouted and I said we can still do it this afternoon.. he would run in the kitchen and come back wiping his mouth he is drinking come 2 I had left and returned after he called me back when I was 5 blocks away He was drinking more but I could not find the bottle I was going to sit on the couch only to see a gun there I started to ask and he grabbed it then grabbed me and said he wanted to show me something. I begged him to put it down he had the hearing tomorrow things will be fine but he dragged me and said he promises he wont hurt me. I tired to grab the phone that is when he turned the gun to himself and shot straight int his heart.. he fell. It has been a tough month and I trying to understand it all and deal with Vultures and trying to clear the numbness in my head though that numbness in the heart may take quite some time if ever. I know I am in a lot of shock and there is pain inside that eventually I have to deal with once I can grasp what it is and what I can do to get back to that free spirit loving girl before I met him. Ahlia |
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This is a tough story to comment on. A troubled soul. A kind heart that only wanted to love. Spun out of control leaving only one standing. You can not fix the past. Try to put him to rest in your heart. For him there are no problems anymore. Where he goes next is not up to any of us and not to be determined here in this life. For you there will be no getting out of the grieving process. There will only be going through it. Don't avoid it go through it as best you can. The scar is there for life and you never forget it. Time will diminish the pain and the scar will fade but it will remain. Keep being the you that you are. Love.
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