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Strange Feelings
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Strange Feelings I thought about what to do next and finally decided to talk about the one thing that me and many others will never fully understand, feelings. After talking with people, I have noticed that many tend to have many strange feelings in different aspects of their lives. Most of these feelings are dismissed because of logic. Even when they feel the strangest feelings most can forget them. There are some however that cannot shake the feelings of things not being quite right. An example of this is when we walk through an abandoned house and get that feeling to leave. We try our best to ignore it using logic to say that it is only feels that way because they were falling in disarray. We finally allow the feelings of urgency to leave to overwhelm us and we run out of the place. This being said my feelings are not quite the same as many who are trans-gendered. Most trans-gendered individuals feel they are not in the right body and so the best course of action is to change the body to fit the mind. That is why most trans-gendered people will go from the nature assigned sex to the sex they feel their gender to be. Now this can be confusing to those who do not understand so I feel I should break this down further. Gender as defined by Google is - the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones). Sex is defined by Google is - either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and many other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions Gender is much more fluid while Sex is binary by these standards. I am not saying that we all fit this because in today’s day and age the molds are being destroyed on a daily basis. However what I am say is that we could use this as a stepping stone to figure out where we fit in this little thing call life. I have always felt that within the reality of this planet that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I have many friends who do not care about who and what I am as long as I am me. But on a grander scale I do still want someone who makes me feel wanted. Someone who wants me to be the one that will be there for them through thick and thin. I have two cats who look to me but I am sorry the companionship they give is only as much as pet can give and nothing more. The fact that I would want someone who would be my incentive to move forward to strive for something better rather than settling with what I have. I keep moving forward but to have a cheerleader does help because it means that the goal does not seem as far away. I am a logical person and try to come at anything I don’t understand with a scientific mind set. Make a hypothesis, test it, and see what works. If it is wrong. I revise the hypothesis to try that out. So when I first started having feelings that didn’t make sense, I would go out and try everything to see what might make it feel wrong. The problem I had was that the testing is not totally accurate due to the fact that trying to find one that fits the criteria would be so much more difficult. The feelings that I don’t belong anywhere is due to the fact that the sex roles and body types to me feel wrong and I never understood that until I checked around and found the transgender females I liked were one time. Then recently I found transgender males that were similar to what I found to be right. The problem for me is that my sex is male yet I am<b> androgynous </font></b>so I don’t really see the line between Male and Female as much as many others so when I saw both trans-gendered gender I started identifying myself more like a transgender male even though I am male. I originally found myself more fitting the mindset of female than male but this is where my feelings and logic kept fighting. I cannot really get a hold on them and until I see a therapist to equal them out I feel I would be no good to anyone. I really wish that I could fall for a gurl but most transgender girls tend to be in the middle of transitioning which Transgender stands for at least my definitions Transitioning between Genders. I finally found someone who was transgender and enjoyed who she was in the middle being both male and female yet several months after we met I started talking to her about getting into a relationship. I was pigheaded and didn’t wish to hear that she was not looking for a relationship at the beginning and so when I told her that I had fallen for her, she revealed that she already had a boyfriend. I asked her what she was doing with me and she said it was just something on the side that he allowed since she had a big sex drive. I hurt but tried to make it work since I was enjoying the time we spent together. One day an incident occurred where while our activities she ended up causing me to bleed during a rather heated night. I ended up having to stop seeing her for a while so I could rest and heal up. When I finally was able to see her again she told me that she was so upset about what had happened that she could not see me any more. We went our own ways and I have not found anyone since and that is why I am still looking. The thing that changed lately is more that I am not just looking for transgender female but also male and Fem-boys. I am one that enjoys all that are transgender or out of the society normal. I do tend to enjoy feminine more than masculine so transgender males would be more friends or underlings/sub yet I feel I would entertain the thought if they came to me with a proposal. I have looked into the prospect of going full transition for myself but that as I have said in a previous blog would make me feel simply a man in a dress who is trying to fit in. I am way too masculine and have been told that right now I am chemically balanced and estrogen might put my mind out of balanced and I don’t want to do that. I like who I am and if I did found out about some miracle drug or surgery that would change me to what I feel I was I would think about it but know I need to follow the procedures so that I don’t screw it up any further because I don’t want to lose myself in the mix. I would rather be happy here and now then to be lost but be in a body I feel I was meant to be in. I just really wish people would understand. Even though my body’s sex is male, I am not male, yet I am not female either. I am simply me and want people to understand that I am looking for someone who may not exist but will keep searching until my dying days to be happy. I will fight and support what makes you happy as long as you do the same for me. I don’t treat anyone with disrespect at first meet, yet if I get disrespect when I first hear you speak I will step away because I don’t need the haters, I need supporters. Much of how I learned in my job in a call center a while back, Leave everything at the door and just focus on what needs to be done. We all need a world where everyone gets along and when we start fighting that world will take longer to arrive. We may not be here to see it. |
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Google genderqueer, the way you describe yourself that might be the gender category that would feel most comfortable for you.
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1 post 7/4/2016 6:15 pm |
I do understand the terms like genderqueer and others and found the best for me is actually genderfluid since most of the time I appear male to society but when I am around friends and others that I am free to be myself I flow to what ever I wish to be at the time. The problem is that the terms are fairly new and not everyone seems to understand them. I don't know many Transgender females that wish to have a genderfluid boyfriend but I know many that would like to have a Friend that just happens to be a genderfluid boy.
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