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| Blogs > cuffnspank > my blasphemy in my wasteland |
illusions in glass
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illusions in glass it was four in the morning when the phone rang. I heard her say my name in a soft and shaking tone. I asked if she was ok, and then her confession began. She didn’t go to see a girlfriend last night, she went to see an old boyfriend. Now she was calling me from his house where she had spent the night, putting an end to our time together. Then she hung up the phone and like a mindless automaton I stumbled to the coffee machine and went through the motions of starting my day. It had been three years since my world spun out of control, and my heart rendered to dust. Every time I think I’ve put it behind me, it creeps up, and taps me on the shoulder with another chance to see life from the back side of the mirror. I had let myself fall in love again, let my guard down, lied to myself that it would be ok, and felt all warm and cozy looking at the image of love in the beautiful glass. Now I was on the<b> backside </font></b>of the mirror, clearly seeing the illusion for what it was. There was disappointment, an icky feeling in my stomach, but no heartbreak this time. Some were quick to tell me my heart had hardened from experience. However, I knew the truth, that it had long ago shattered to dust with no hope of repair. Perhaps I was an abomination, living without a heart, too stupid to die, and not knowing how to live. Time moved on and I met a woman that claimed to share my lack of heart. She claimed to live only for the happy moments in life and felt nothing for attachment to others. She simply wanted the thrill of the fast car, the unique moment in fine dining when that small desire of taste is fulfilled, and of course those times when her bedroom predilections were satisfied. There was no other connection aside physical attraction. We were complete opposites in almost every way, except our lack of a heart. It made sense that heartless beasts would pair up by default, and so it was. Two beasts masquerading as normal humans, only existing to slake our lusts for the finer things in life. Then one day I felt an odd feeling, something from my past, something long forgotten. It was my old friend loneliness, come to put a pang in the pit of my stomach. He brought along his cousin emptiness to help play tug of war with my thoughts. So I stopped and took a look at my life so I could put these thoughts to an end, but what I saw was the frayed end of a rope dangling between my feet. An odd thing in life of how one becomes a relative success and absolute failure. Perhaps the two sided glass of illusions has more sides than I was once aware. Maybe I’m still just that dumb abomination, living without a heart, too stupid to die, and not knowing how to live. but alas, life goes on to another day, another chance to serve the world as a mindless automaton. |
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