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Blogs > CaptainDilfCT > The Adventures of Cap'n Crazy!

Your Horoscope For Today  

CaptainDilfCT 40M
0 posts
11/13/2015 2:06 am
Your Horoscope For Today

Your Horoscope for Today
By "Weird Al" Yankovic
(because I'm in a goofy mood this morning)

(Aquarius!)
There's travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day
(Pisces!)
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
(Aries!)
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a<b> hickey </font></b>to Meryl Streep
(Taurus!)
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

(Gemini!)
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
(Cancer!)
The position of Jupiter says
That you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
While taking your driver's test
(Leo!)
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
(Virgo!)
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize
That every single one of them is absolutely true

Where was I?

(Libra!)
A big promotion is just around the corner
For someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
(Scorpio!)
Get ready for an unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem
You stupid freak
(Sagittarius!)
All your friends are laughing behind your back
(Kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
You've got hanging in your den
(Capricorn!)
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Speak the Truth, or make your peace some other way

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