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de Stalker
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de Stalker This blogticle was inspired by sweet_vm and her blogticle Letter to Mr StalkersWTF LADIES: Do you ever find yourself politely rejecting prospective pursuers only to find the unwanted advances won’t stop? Do you suffer from “ban button” thumb? Have you ever banned a profile only to find the same mouth breathing moron has created a new profile from which to harass? If so, then listen up – Do we have a product for you. ONS Inc. is proud to introduce the next product in our line of popular social interactive software “de Stalker” We here at ONS Inc. have read the alarming number of emails from targets of our earlier offering and recognize much like its predecessor, de Bergerac, and in no small part due to its success, there remains a need unfulfilled. The “de Stalker” does for the virtual world what bad breath and body odor does in the physical. Yes, you’re familiar with products sold today to warrant against uninvited attention, such as the “hairy hose”* – worn by women in China using public transportation making their legs look like the hair brushes from petting zoos. The “de Stalker” works on the same basic principle, simply stated, “tainting of the supply”. The “de Stalker” is simple and easy to use. Simply log in to FriendFinder-x, start the “de Stalker” application and select a minimum of three (3) unsolicited emails from the offender and then click the “sour the milk” icon.  amp; The “de Stalker” will ‘view’ the offenders profile and each email, systematically analyzing the responses for spelling, grammar, sentence structure, punctuation and content, extracting certain common key elements identified in restraining order and obsessive behavior cases alike. The algorithms incorporate primitive primate behavioral psychology along with data collected during electroshock aversion therapy from the nations’ most prestigious prisons and finest sanitariums from the 1950’s to compose an email or series of emails, after all we are talking about obsessive compulsive behavior, guaranteed** to drive off even the most persistent of pursuers.The “de Stalker” email aversion series will determine the most effective approach to deter any future virtual contact by preying on the fears of your followers. It creates a ‘fear profile’ and selects the appropriate category of fear such as; physical maladies, emotional instability, possibility of violence, unusually strong attachments to family, unusual physical deformities....etc and creates an email response using such phrases as; “The doctor said the rash and stinging sensation during urination will take weeks and a series of painful shots to alleviate......” “I found a willing baby sitter for the five (5) youngest but the newborn will have to come with me.....” “The scars from the ‘change’ operation, once healed, should be barely noticeable” “even though my ex-boyfriend just got out of prison, I’m sure his jealously and violent tendencies are in the past....” “my lawyer said not to worry about the weapons charges.....” “so my mother and I will meet you......” “on the way I’ll need to stop at the drug store and pickup my depends....” “I mean what’s the big deal about a couple of extra toes anyway....” These are just a few of the many possible phrases, each specifically designed and categorized to evoke only the ‘flight’ response from the centers of the brain in even the most ardent of attractees. Here are just a few testimonials. “....Thanks ONS Inc. for de Stalker, it only took one email and *poof*, no more stalking.” - Brittney in Maine “....the de Stalker worked so well, I now use it to discourage contact from email advertisers and spammers alike. Well done ONS Inc.” – Heidi in New Hampshire “....worked liked a de-charm everytime. Keep up the good work ONS Inc.” – Tina in Texas “.....worked so well my priest will no longer listen to my confessions. Way to go ONS Inc.” – Julie in California “....Unbelievable product, ONS Inc. you’ve outdone yourselves. I used the de Stalker to send an email to my Siamese twin and haven’t seen or heard from her since.” – No longer Delilah and Debra, now just Debra in Florida. HURRY AND ORDER TODAY AND RECEIVE A FREE BOTTLE OF OUR FAMOUS “PEPE LA PEW” PERFUME FOR USE WHEN REAL WORLD SITUATIONS CAN”T WAIT FOR AN EMAIL, while supplies last. *This is true – look it up **Guarantee only valid for unadulterated email response and ONS Inc. is not legally liable for the results of using this product. Here's hoping your basket is empty Basket Theory and your algebra skills are improving Algebra is Like Sex  |
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imin ty my dear for the post! A great follow up from my blog thread. Good news is he did visited my blog and no emails from him so far. I did find out later on that he is stalking a few of my local friends on here as well as me. I am sure we can put the end to him soon! I think I need a bottle of that stuff too.. ty hugs V Become a blog watcher sweet_vm
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sweet_VM - as always thanks for stopping by and your blog - I may not comment everyday but I do follow it daily, mostly. I was just having a bit of fun and hope it brings a smile to those who read it. Here's hoping your basket is empty Basket Theory and your algebra skills are improving Algebra is Like Sex
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I think I have someone to use one of those lines on... now. which one? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[blog rachelck] Invisible Ink~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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rachelck, first thanks for stopping by and your blog. Haven't read all your work but just discovered your blog yesterday. I hope this blogticle brought at least a smile if not a chuckle with it. Shame we can't include scent molecules in an email but by the same token, not sure I would want to smell most of what I see on FriendFinder-x. Here's hoping your basket is empty Basket Theory and your algebra skills are improving Algebra is Like Sex
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