Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > rm_Tgirl51 > My Blog |
Confidence Revisited
|
Confidence Revisited Confidence may times is in the eyes and mind of one's self. I can portray confidence well when I have a supporting cast you might say. When going out by myself it is difficult to maintain my confidence when others are giving you the evil eye or what I perceive as such and yet, when I am out with friends there is nothing can shake me! I have spent many, many hours getting up the courage to get dressed and go out into the real world. I have spent many of those hours in doubt hiding in my home all dressed wearing my make-up and thinking there is nowhere to go. When I first got up the courage to travel outside of my little, private world, I made a lot of mistakes. Wearing clothing that was to young for me. Too tight. Too frumpy! "Drag Queen" type eye make-up Very bright and gaudy. My breasts were never the way I wanted them using old t-shirts or getting the right bounce with water balloons. Water balloons were cold until they warmed up. Always worried they would break at the worst time. Even when doubled, I always worried they would one would break under the pressure of a man feeling me up. I got the bounce but lace the confidence wearing them. On-line they would advertise as "Just like Real!" But they never were. They were Styrofoam chest plates formed like breasts that strapped on. No bounce! No softness. Some were just bags of rice or rive husks I got my bounce but never the softness. Slowly over time and going outside, my clothes became more normal. No longer were they a Hodge-podge of pieces that never went with each other. I found a few suits and dresses I could wear. But I still, because of my weight of 200 lbs I felt I needed to have a big "D" cup. A Girlfriend of mine (another TG and her significant other a GG) both told me I needed a breast reduction. They suggested a "B" or "C" cup. Naturally an "A" cup I overflowed with A "B" I almost filled it with my own breasts so I choose a "C" cup with some enhancements added in. I worked! Now all I need is a pair of breast forms. I love to wear 3 inch heels and walked very natural in them as if I had been walking in them all my life. I learned how to wear pantyhose but preferring Stockings and garter belts. I felt so Sexy wearing them but then I had to wear a few pair at a time because of how shear they were and I di not shave my legs, arms, or chest. I read somewhere that the more skin I could show the more feminine I would look. Oh, how I wished I could wear something sleeve-less or back-less. It has been my dream to wear a nice short dress or skirt, blouses that are strapless or backless. But I know most is not possible with my not wanting to shave my back or arms. I now shave my chest and legs. The first time I went out with a group of other TG’s I felt empowered knowing I was not alone. We all were in the same boat. I found a new group forming on a site called “Meet-Up” only problem was we did not have a “Safe” place to meet. That was until “Jean”, a GG, volunteered her home. At first the group had 3; 2 Trans girls and 1 GG “jean” as it turns out is a Partying GG. A Club Girl. She love to meet other TG’s and TS’ and other GG’s that wanted to help Girls like us. Slowly over the months, my clothes improved with leaps and bounds. We met once a week on Sundays at “Jean’s” home. If we could dress before meeting, we did. If not, she let us dress at her place. For the first few weeks it was just the 3 of us, then slowly our group expanded to 15 or so. We would have Pot-Lucks and give each other make-up tips and afterwards we would venture out to one of the Clubs. I always excused myself until “J” and “K” finally talked me into going with them. Actually, they badgered me! Which to this day I appreciate them very much for the push! The very first time was I ever nervous! Was I ever! Sure, I have walked the streets and cruised looking for some drunken men. Yet, I always had the safety of the night and the privacy of my car to help hide my imperfections. But, I never had the confidence, or the courage, to actually go into a business dressed. To go someplace that required ID, or into a place that could be dark one moment, bright another, like QFC or 7-11 Stores. At the clubs, be it Neighbors or The Cuff Complex I was so nervous. In truth I wanted to bolt! I have never been in a large crowd like a Club before. I had mad questions permeating my mind increasing the chances of me bolting for the safety of my car! Will the door man recognize me? Will he say something or do something that would “out” me? With groups and couples walking in ahead of me I noticed that they all wore “Club” clothes. The other women were wearing short, short flashy skirts or dresses. Plunging, deep “V” or peasant neck lines push up bra’s or braless . And My Group? We were all older than most. We all wore conservative skirts and dresses. Sure you could see some skin but no one had much of a cleavage that was obvious. We were all looking like professional women just getting off work out to have a good time. I never saw any sign of intolerance on the faces of the Bouncers at the door. No exasperation on the faces of the person taking our money or the doorperson stamping our wrists as we entered the second door, or. To them it was just another night. We were just another group of women going out to the club to have a good time to dance and drink the night away and, or get lucky. Any doubts in my appearance melted away. I knew was not able to totally pass well but with the help and support of the group or the GG’s in the group we were able to blend in with the crowd. Together we could lean against each other. And it really helped that some brought along their significant other. These significant others show us we could make smart choices. It was follow their lead as we drank and danced. I had a burst of pride when I got a couple of men to hit on me. We went outside for a cigarette and we kissed a few times. I was even asked if we could go back to my place. “Sorry I have roommate” was my answer and so was his. My car was out of the question too. The same went for his Fiat. Recently I suffered a stroke that has affected my right side, arm and leg. I can longer wear my heels and must wear flats. I can longer tuck as I use to. I walk like I am drunk when out. This stroke has affected me in my goals to blend in. My confidence has been shaken to the core. And thanks to having to wear a heart monitor on the hospital, I can now shave my chest without having to explain why. Yet, I proceed to go out in public. Even with all that going against me I still see myself going out on a date with a man. I would love to go out to the movies. Go to Dinner. or just be out in public with one. I can even see myself going to a party or to the Opera or Symphony just so long as I do not have to walk very far. For short periods I can walk without my toes stubbing on the ground from my foot drop. As long as the man is willing to be seen out with me I will take deep breaths and swallow any dobys I may have. I feed off their confidence to be with me. Before my Stroke, I made a date once with a man to go to the movies. It was a late night showing of the second to the last "Harry Potter". I got dressed putting on a skirt that came just above my knees, Garter and stockings, a blouse that buttoned showing some cleavage, and waited for him outside the theater to show. The time was ticking down to the start of the movie and he did not show! I had another cigarette waiting for him. I even called him on the phone with no answer and when he still did not show, I sucked it up and bought my ticket. It was on the top floor of the Thornton Creek Theater at the far end. I went up the escalators, bypassing the concession stands (Least not wishing to have to use the restrooms during the show). Found the theater and found a seat above the mid walkway. I did enjoy the movie by myself and when we talked again, he gave me a excuse of a “Family Emergency” as to why he did not show. It was the same one he gave me earlier when I went to his house to picked him once before. I should have learned something then, but I always try to look for the positive! Strike one, when he first flaked out and did me wrong at his place. Strike Two! When did not show up at the theater. But what really made me mad was he never called and I know he had my number for he had called me before. Strike Three! came when we only had dates at his place of work on Saturday afternoons. Each time he promised me we would have sex beyond the necking and me giving him a blow job or two. And each time he would turn on some porn of a TG having a threesome and each time we never did more than a blow job and kissing. Confidence high at the beginning of our encounters they quickly faded to mistrust and disappointment in the end. So I was riding a roller coaster to nowhere! I went from a 10 to a zero. I have been going out to this bar called "Changes” now since the end of November. The first time I walked in alone, I spent 30 minutes outside smoking cigarette after cigarette sitting on a bench just around the corner, working up the courage to go inside. It was uncomfortable to be sitting outside with all the foot and car traffic, but I did it! I finally just sucked it up. I took several deep breaths as I pushed open the door and began to panic as I walked in. The entry way was crowded. Not an empty seat to be seen. And as far as I could see so far I was the only TG in the place. The pool table at the end of the bar had a few people playing and drinking. Confidence ebbing! Panic taking hold. I had read on the web site that the Bar was listed as being a “Gay” Bar Yet welcoming all that vame in Be a person Straight, Gay, Lesbian, or Trans. It also said that there no wait people other than the bartender so one needed to order at the bar and bus themselves. I waited my turn, fearful at any stares, and ordered a Bud Light. Paid, and took my drink to the patio, I had also read the patio was the designated smoking area. I teetered a few times sloshing my beer, walking unsteady as if I should have not been served. I opened the door and found the patio just as crowded as the front of the house but there was a place on a bench that I was able to sit down. Quiet as a wall flower, I sipped my beer listening to the others in conversation, never interjecting or being asked to enter the conversations. As they talked I listened. I had this kind hearted man sit down next to me, and like me, he sat in quiet contemplation nursing his beer, listening to the many conversations around us. He looked at me and introduced himself to me. And our conversations turned to be revealing. He asked about me and told me about himself. He was sort of a regular but likes to sit quietly off to the side getting a feel of the place just like I was. He knew it was my first time and tried to calm my fears and I his. He let me know I would be in good company in the bar. And I did feel the vibe in the bar as one of wanting, of protection, and of one not intrusive. I only had to tell people want I wanted to tell them and say only what I wanted them to know about me as personal as I wanted! An hour later a group asked me to join in. By the time the bar closed I felt comfortable. I wanted to stand outside taking it all on but if it was not for the off-duty bartenders there, I would have just stayed outside taking all that happened in. I just wanted to enjoy the friendship I had garnered that night. Yet, they were wanting to be sure I would be safe. I insisted I was fine and just wanted to hang out and they said that for me it would not be safe for me to hang. It made me see how this bar was accepting of me. Confidence high! It still takes me a few deep breaths. I still find myself lighting up a cigarette before I push open the door. Even in the weeks that have passed moments of panic flood my being . But once inside, I feel so free! I have found my confidence grow As I go the Gas Station to get gas and or buy a pack of cigarettes, As I go into the QFC to do some last minute before I go home purchases. I have my confidence about me and to hell what other think or even say about me to my face or my back I am me! I am a woman! I do have my panic attacks when by myself when going to a new place. Questions always flood my mind. The biggest question is how I will be treated after I enter. “Changes is my “Cheers”! My home away from home. It IS a Safe place for me to go. Now all I need is to get out beyond my comfort zone. Go to a Movie or Dinner on a date. Sure I will have my doubts but I know I can conquer them. Have some guy do the same and actually come over to my place during the daytime for some fun bed time fun! Guy’s, I know you too have the same fears I have. Yes that is my picture on my profile How about yours? And I am not talking about a cock shot! I would really like to see one of your face! I too always wonder what sort of guy you are as you must about me. Are you the type that will treat me as the woman I am dressing as? Or will I be treated as just a guy in a dress? Is this a set-up for a robbery? Or, a sting by the cops? Why won’t she give me her address on IM? Why does she want me to call her on the phone with my ID showing name and number? Or why does she want my number? My answers to these are: there are many fakes on line as I am sure you already know. Many only want to “Collect” names, addresses, pictures, and numbers. I am not one of these! I DO want men to “visit” me at my place. I know if you call me for my address you have an excellent chance of actually showing up! Why show your name? I will answer it! No name? You will need to leave a message. No number? Then how will I be able to call you back unless you leave a message! If I give you my address on line how can you retrieve it if you forget it while on the way? How will I be able to call you back if the situation changes? I am not a TG that lives 24/7. It can take me up to two hours to get ready. Having to take a shower, shave, put on my make-up (I never<b> meet men </font></b>without my make-up) Get dressed. I do want to look nice for you when we meet. I want you to enjoy getting my clothes off. If that is want you want. I do so enjoy having sex by just lifting my skirt. Having you take off my panties and unbuttoning my blouse. But either way I will always be dressed for you! I also do enjoy the fore play. Kissing, passionately. Rubbing each other and I do consider a blow job as foreplay. I love to have sex but I prefer making love and have a man explode inside me as we are entwined with each other. I hate it when men come over saying they want it all and yet all they really want is a blow job for that to be all that happens I feel so let down. Like the last two hours were a waste of time! I may talk like I am a big slut fucking men right and left but I can still count using my hands of the number of successful times. I am a tight partner so I do need time to relax myself. Size to me does make a difference! Not in length but in girth. And I know if one position does not work we can try others! My preference is the good old missionary> I love to able to look into a man’s eyes and watch him as he explodes inside me but in no matter what position we are in I love having him stay in me until he goes soft enough to fall out. So If I can have the courage, the confidence to meet with you, the time to spend with you. Please, Please! do the same for me. Show up and we can enjoy our time together! Be it only once! Or be it multiple times! All I ask is for you to honest with me.  Life is short and I like who I am! |
Become a member to create a blog
