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21 unsexiest and sexiest things about sex
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21 unsexiest and sexiest things about sex This is pretty funny two fairly young ladies wrote these, the first on in the METRO a online urban media outlet from the UK so then VICE had one of their<b> writers </font></b>to a response to it! Metro article: The 21 unsexiest things about sex (because it’s not all making ‘love’ and orgasms is it?) 1. The smell. That smell. You know the one. The indescribable combination of semen, lady juice and sweat. Nice. 2. Removing socks. Hey, let me just try and hop around naked while I pull a sock printed with dinosaurs off my foot. Especially unsexy when your partner is trying to continue the foreplay by latching onto your nipple while you wrestle with your ankle. 3. Fanny farts. 4. Or even worse, those real farts that slip out when you least suspect it. 5. Getting sex cramp in your leg. Feeling like someone may have slipped a dagger into your thigh and not knowing the best way to respond. 6. Getting semen in your eye. Or in your hair. Or anywhere that isn’t your private parts. How long are you supposed to wait until you start the thorough clean-up process? 7. Also, swallowing semen and trying to pretend that it tastes like a peanut butter milkshake rather than, well, a slimy, salty bogey. 8. Your underwear. Because however much you try and plan it, you’ll always get laid when you’re wearing the greying pants with a hole in the back. You should really throw those bad boys out. 9. The awkward ‘oh… you’re bleeding’. It’s never actual blood though, just that brown-coloured discharge *shudders*. 10. The crab shuffle off the bed, and the race against time to make it to the toilet without leaving a stream of semen in your wake. 11. But failing, and having a nice trickle of the white stuff down your leg. 12. Trying to talk dirty. What words are you supposed to use? ‘I want you to stick your willy in my pussy’ *is sick all over self* 13. Trying to strip, while sober and in silence. Oh, you don’t get an erection from me battling with my jumpsuit? 14. Orgasm faces. They’re probably quite similar to the face of someone who’s just been shot. Probably. 15. Pubes. They’re scratchy and wirey. They get in your mouth. They need grooming. They’re just a sex hazard aren’t they? 16. The sweat. The sweat that makes your perfectly placed fringe stick to your forehead like a greasy pre-, and your make-up melt down your face until you look like a serial killer. Cute. 17. Dryness. Trying to approach foreplay with the excitement levels of the Sahara Desert. It sorta hurts. 18. Doggy style. Just, doggy style. What horrible person invented this? 19. The crippling jaw ache that comes with too much blowing. Imagine if you put that much energy into the gym, eh? 20. Willies and vaginas in general. No, really, think about this one. Are they not just the ugliest things on your entire body? Why couldn’t they just look more like your arm or something? 21. And finally, rolling into a wet patch you had no idea was still there. VICE article: PARIS LEES' 21 SEXIEST THINGS ABOUT SEX 1 – The smell. If you don't like the smell of sex, I don't know, maybe you're not human? Sex smells… sexy? 2 – Socks. When your trusted fuck-buddy stuffs socks inside your mouth and ties your hands behind your back while ramming you like a champ. You people all do that, right? 3 – When a guy cums inside you and leaves himself inside and then you feel it getting hard again and he fucks you and cums again without ever taking it out. Not only is that sexy, you don’t have to worry about fanny farts that way, Hannah. 4 – Squeezing a guy while he’s inside you. It’s kind of like your pussy/butt saying, "I got you, homie." 5 – Speaking of which, when he puts it in. And it feels like you’re sitting on an air freshener canister. Oh. My. Lord. What do you mean it’s "not all in yet"? Go, go gadget dick! 6 – When you can tell your lover is really into it. When they groan. And it’s genuine. When a guy looks like all his birthdays came at once because he’s here, with you, Paris “Yes it’s really me, and yes I really am like this in real life” Lees, and cumming like a Roman candle. You know that’s how it goes down in a PL session. 7 – Semen. Is great. I probably like it best when it comes as a surprise (no pun intended) like when you’re shagging some guy at a house party and some next dude walks in and you’re like “Hey, come join the fun!” but he’s so horny as he pulls his dick out he just ends up jizzing over the both of you (seriously, what had we all taken that night?)—or maybe like when you’re wanking some stranger off in a dark room and you suddenly feel this warm, wet dripping in-between your legs and down your thighs onto your leather miniskirt. Dude, you didn’t tell me you were close! Hot! 8 – Your underwear. Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I really don’t think you can go wrong slutting it up with lingerie, champagne, and copious amounts of you-know-what. It’s traditional, right? 9 – Fucking weirdoes. Literally fucking them. Like people you truly wouldn't want to introduce to your mates. Some of my most leg-shakingly good shags have been one-offs with pot-bellied perverts wearing dirty band T-shirts from the 90s. When you don't care what they think, you can let go and let loose! You might want to ask them to double up on the condoms, though. 10 – Using all the sex juices to get yourself off again. Fuck me that’s good. 11 – Watching yourself be a bad girl in the mirror. I really feel like a spit roast is wasted if the person in the middle doesn’t get to see how it looks, ’cause it looks fucking horny. 12 – Talking dirty. Agreed, it takes some chutzpah and genuine passion to pull it off, but what are you? A mouse? Or a fucker? You’re a fucker—so call me a slut and tell me to suck it. 13 – When you’ve been kissing and fondling for a while and getting really quite sticky down there and you look at your partner with a sense of urgency and tell them to rip your knickers off, at which point they know that you really, really want it, and down they come, right past your ankles, while the hot space between your legs throbs in anticipation. You know those hands are coming up. 14 – Looking into someone’s eyes as they cum and watching their pupils dilate. It’s really beautiful. 15 – Hearing your neighbors at it. Wow, turns me on. And fuck me, if anyone ever needed a good shag it was those miserable cunts next door. 16 – The sweat. Hannah has sweat on her list of unsexy things but Hannah is wrong. Just. Wrong. If you find someone attractive enough to let them bump uglies with you, Hannah, you really need to be down with their sweat. As do they with yours. Seriously sweetheart, this isn’t choir practice. It’s sex. If you’re doing it right, people perspire. 17 – Wetness. Man or woman, it's really hot when your lover starts leaking. If you're too grossed out by bodily fluids, I have to ask, what are you doing having sex? Sex is juicy. Good sex is even juicier. If you wanna know if he loves you so, forget his kiss—it's in his precum. Although kissing's hot too. Just all of it, I guess. 18 – Doggy style. This is hot when you just want to get fucked like an animal—a dog, say—and it has the added bonus of leaving your hands and mouth free should his friends require simultaneous servicing. 19 – Number 19 on Hannah’s list is “jawlock,” which I do sympathize with, really, I do. I’m a feminist. But then she’s like, “Imagine if you put that much effort into the gym, eh?” and I’m like, really? You’re thinking about going to the gym while you’re giving head? But anyway, Hannah’s list is WACK and number 19 on my list is “manhandling,” which is when a man with big strong hands and vein-y arms handles you. Grab my throat! Pull me hair! I can take it! 20 – "Willies and vaginas," as Hannah so quaintly puts it. She thinks they're weird and ugly, but I think they're special buttons of never-ending pleasure. And I don’t care if you’re homosexual, heterosexual, or Capricorn—eating out is glorious. Warm wet tongues were made for warm wet clits. 21 – Rolling over back onto his dick again. Hannah rolled onto a wet patch. Hannah rolled the wrong way. |
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