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| Blogs > Cumwhorekitty > Reflections from a Cumwhore |
Choosing a life of BDSM
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Choosing a life of BDSM So it seems like my post yesterday encouraged a few emails. One or two of these emails asked why I am on FriendFinder-x and not on ALT.com because we are obviously an alternative lifestyle couple. The answer to that is simple, we are. We have a profile on both sites but the adverts on each site are different. When I want a playdate with several playmates I am not looking to invite a bunch of Dominants or submissives. I am looking to meet a few normal guys and gals who want to get freaky. I have a Dominant, I don't need another. I also received a handful of questions about BDSM. Most of those questions mentioned the infamous book about to be released as a film. I would like to say that I personally think that you would do better reading Story of O, watching The Secretary or Nine and a half Weeks. The depiction of the relationship in Shades is very stylised and, much like pornography, is not an accurate depiction of sex. That said I will try to answer these questions to the best of my knowledge. How did I know I was into BDSM? Members of the BDSM community often say that there are signs in your childhood that you'll see when you look back. Some people like wrapping themselves in bandages or toilet roll, others used to use string to tie up their stuffed toys and animals. My fetish isn't really something that you can experience in childhood but I have always craved male attention and positive feedback from them. I didn't really realise that something was different about me until guys started asking me what they could do for me and, in all honesty, all I wanted was to make them cum hard. A lot of guys think you're holding back when you say something like that, some even take it as an indication that you think they aren't capable of meeting your fantasy. Sometimes when I attend meets I think I'm a bit of a fraud because there are more "extreme" submissives than me present. I get to thinking that it may not be my scene but then I realise that without the support of these people I wouldn't have been able to become who I am. BDSM is less about the nature of the fetish and more about the community. Some submissives come into the scene and only ever dabble in light bondage, others burst onto the scene wanting spanking and waxplay. Sex isn't a competition its about finding what's right for you. BDSM is right for me. How did I know Sir was safe to play with? Trust. Plain and simple. I was very fortunate that Sir and I were friends for almost two years before we started dating. I knew about him being into the scene and it was something that I toyed with the idea of experimenting with. When we started dating I asked about the scene and he would reverse the question onto me. He would ask me why I was interested in the scene. I didn't have a strong enough answer for him so he discouraged me from pursuing it until I did. We would play with light bondage and he would occasionally give me a playful spank but we didn't start with BDSM. Then came a number of very drunk sexual encounters with other men which really strained our relationship. Sir had effectively stopped playing in the scene when we started dating and was committed to our relationship, I repaid this by getting drunk and cheating on him. He didn't scream and shout or criticise me. His concern was whether I was safe and unharmed. He took me for STD tests and forgave me when I couldn't forgive myself. I trusted him implicitly from that point forward. I enjoyed the way he looked after me even though I didn't feel like I deserved it. I surrendered myself to him so that he could help look after me and it was an immense relief. After that Sir started to help me explore the reasons I did what I did, I talked to several submissives in the scene who helped me understand about BDSM and control. I've never looked back. How can I find a Dominant? This is a very difficult issue. In my last community there were several Dominants who were forced out because they weren't safe to play with. One was overly aggressive and hurt a submissive, one ignored a submissive safe-wording and one was passing around an STD. I'm not going to gift wrap this. BDSM does attract some people who aren't safe to play with. If you aren't sure then don't. A few guidelines to help: Try to find a Dominant who has a good reputation with other submissives. This is one of the safest ways to find a Dominant, by becoming part of your local scene. Some Dominants may also help you find a Dominant if you ask them nicely. If a Dominant has a pet or owned submissive then the submissive should be able to tell you all about their Dominant's needs and play style. Once you find a Dominant ensure that he offers you a safe word. One Dominant I knew of, would say "I'll give you a safe word but if you ever use it then we'll never play again", this is not safe. A Dominant should respect your use of your safe word. This Dominant was effectively saying that he wanted to take and keep your power, it is an expression of extreme disrespect. When you have a safe word ensure that he discusses what you want from the play. If a Dominant doesn't ask what you want then he's probably only thinking about what he wants. This could mean he will push you to do things that you don't want to or aren't ready for. BDSM, like all sex, is about reciprocity. I do for you and you do for me. It can take time for you to get to a stage where you can meet a specific Dominant's need. It takes time to get were you want to go. A Dominant should be willing to invest that time. I didn't start having sex with multiple partners, I worked up to it. When you first play with a Dominant ensure that you aren't given excessive alcohol or drugs. Its a controversial debate in BDSM about drinking and drugs with BDSM but we generally agree that new players, especially submissives, should abstain. This prevents accidents, injuries and ensures your ability to safe word. If your Dominant tries to get you excessively drunk then he may be trying to compromise your ability to safe word, or attempt to push you into something you aren't prepared for. Again, this is not safe. Finally, as I said yesterday, be assertive about what you want. You have all the time in the world to be submissive when you agree to play. Don't let them compromise your fantasy. If you want rope instead of<b> chains </font></b>then say so. If you want a spanking instead of a flogging then that's good. Don't play with a Dominant because they are a Dominant. Find one that wants to play with you the same way. Have I ever had a sister submissive? I'm assuming that the person who asked this has some experience of the scene. For the rest of you, she is asking if Sir has ever had more than one submissive at a time. The answer is yes. Sir generally has two submissives. He currently has three because a dear friend of his was recently diagnosed with a severe illness and Sir was asked to look after his submissive. He also exchanges emails with my sister submissive in Dundee, who we left behind when we moved. We all have different needs and express our submission in different ways. Dominants need to be very competent to take on multiple submissives and Sir has had nearly ten years experience. How do I feel about Sir having multiple submissives? If you've read my profile you know that I regularly have sex with other men. It would be hypocritical of me to criticise Sir for doing the same. I suspect however that you are asking about jealousy and competition between submissives. This is not something that happens because Sir chooses his submissives for the different needs. He doesn't take on multiple cumwhores because it would foster conflict as we compete for the same need. Only one of us could be satisfied without other men present and believe me there is a big difference between some guy cumming on me and Sir doing it. We have different needs which means we want different play, this means I am not jealous of a submissive who wants to be chained and paddled because I don't want to be chained and paddled. Do I get turned on watching Sir do it? Yes but I'd not want him to do it to me. I hope these answers help in some way. If you want to ask me anything else then please message me or leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer any questions. kitty |
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