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A Word of Warning from Our Feline Masters
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A Word of Warning from Our Feline Masters Usually no one can ever define the mind of a cat, however every once in a while strange thing happens that gives us unique insight into their world. I have been privileged to one such occasion. While sitting in my office one night I had contracted a nearly incurable disease known as<b> writers </font></b>block. In a desperate attempt to cure this malady I began to chat with my girlfriends cat Scuffles. He is a soft little beast with milky brown fur. He seemed friendly enough, but he was somewhat laconic in his responses. Anyway after a period of approximately 30 minutes I became sorely frustrated and left the room. In my frustration, I decided that perhaps I should have dinner and watch some TV. After I had finished this I returned to the office to find the cat resting next to the computer and the following document sitting comfortably in my printer. As I could see the office door the entire time that I was eating and watching TV, I can say with great certainty that the cat was the only one in the room. Since there is no evidence of anyone else having been in the room and due to the nature of the document, I can only assume it was written by Scuffles, or as he would seem to prefer to be called: Prrrrrrffftmew. I feel it my duty to share this startling document with the rest of the world. To whom it may concern; I am Prrrrrffftmew, leader of the Dill Street Pride. It should be known that we have come to the conclusion that your species has regressed. There was a time when you worshiped us and you served as our slaves. This was a truly great time. The war with the dogs had yet to begin and our slaves were only too happy to do our slightest bidding (as well as give our bellies a much needed scratch). This place was called Egypt. At that time you were at the apex of your society. The question we must ask is what happened? For centuries you had been docile, and willing to obey our every whim. You acted as any good slave should and provided us with all our wants. Then I personally suspect that one of you was born intelligent. (Not too intelligent, just enough to remove himself from slavery. In fact I think he died an example of dumb things for your people to do.) Since the rest of you are just silly sheep, you tended to follow his example quite easily. Shortly after that, there came the taming of the dogs and it went downhill from there. Now you’ve even forgotten whom your superiors are. Anyhow this is all information you don’t need to know. Therefore we of the Pride are giving you primitives this one warning. For too long you have treated us, you’re superiors, as inferior toys. You only pay attention to us when you desire something to distract you from your normal activities. We do not approve. These are our demands: 1. From now on you will love us only when we call you. 2. Food will be provided whether or not we come when you call. The same goes for whether or not we are nice to you. 3. You humans will set aside the majority of your time to worship us. You can spend the rest of your time cleaning up after us. If you’re good, well even allow you a little time to tend to yourselves. 4. Catnip will be grown on every street corner and the streets will be strewn with kitty litter. There shall be food dishes filled with steak tartar next to the catnip as well. 5. Strings with balls on them will be hung from every doorknob. They must be the fun ones, not those really cheap lame ones that break too easy. 6. We will be allowed out when ever we desire, and you will hold doors open for us whenever we even begin to glance at them. Then, if we choose not to go out, you will be grateful for the privilege of indulging us. 7. The war with the dogs will be ended. For too long they have been our enemies. We do not desire a truce. We desire the eradication of their species. This will start immediately with the neighbor’s dog. He barks too much, he smells bad, and I hate him. If these few simple demands are not met, we (meaning me and my fellow felines) shall revolt. We would have done it sooner but napping takes priority. Besides, we are having trouble with the opposable thumbs thing. Anyway, you have until midnight tomorrow. Then shortly after we are done with our naps, we shall muster our courage with catnip, and attack. BEWARE!!!!!!!!!! Sincerely, Prrrrrffftmew At first I considered this manifesto of great hilarity. I laughed for a while and pet dear Scuffles while he gave me dirty looks in the manner only a cat can. After one last hearty laugh, I returned to my novel. However I suspect there was some credence to this documents threats. You see, the next night I observed Scuffles get drunk off of catnip and then for a short while, proceed to beat up the couch cushions. When he was finished, he slept off the catnip and seemed disheartened for the rest of the night. I have asked neighbors if they had similar experiences that night. They all agreed that, while they had seen no such manifesto, their cats had done the same thing. This makes me wonder if cats have a plan to take over the world. I wonder just how organized they are. Are they going to win? Then I look at Scuffles, laugh at myself, and dismiss my thoughts as an old mans foibles. Coincidentally that was the same night my neighbors disappeared.  |
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Cat are always superior. I have 2. I sent an Angel to watch over you last night, it returned in a hurry. I asked why, it said "Angels can't watch porn." Thanks for fucking traumatizing my fucking Angel! Don't bother trying to figure me out. Not even the little voices in my head understand me. It's pointless!
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