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A Zen Guide to Improving Your Online Dating - Goodbye Pokemon, Hello Kitty
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A Zen Guide to Improving Your Online Dating - Goodbye Pokemon, Hello Kitty Not limited By language, It is ceaselessly expressed; So, too the way of letters Can display but not exhaust it. - Dogen (1200-1253) Ahhh…the dance that is cyber matchmaking. What was once a fun and improvisational groove, now requires a strategy worthy of Sun Tzu. I came to appreciate the amount of thought that went into formulating various profile elements and how certain tactics can help increase your L.Q. (Lay Quotient). Mastering the art of online dating is easy if you draw upon the wisdom of the ancients who have tread before you. I. Zen and the Art of Crafting an Online Alias Forget about using your real name. A wise warrior knows it’s all about branding. She will be inundated with replies, so it is crucial that yours stand out like a neon sign in a red light district. The most clever and efficient way to accomplish this is to create a killer name that expresses the wonder that is you. Think whimsical and charming. Court your muse: ask a fraternity brother. He often has insights into the core of your being that you will want to leverage. Crafting names while drunk or high are also good. Below are some examples of names that certainly made my loins glisten; they say “I am a cuddler,” “I am sensitive to a woman’s needs,” and “I am ready for a long-term relationship.” BadboyXXX Hairypotter Party, Rocker, or just plain Dude Princecharming Rodzilla Meat II. The Face of the Spiritual Warrior: Choosing Your Photo Best Face Forward Under no circumstances should you submit a photo that looks like you. Something 8-10 years younger is preferable. If you no longer own such photos (or lost them in the break-up), become very friendly with someone who kicks ass in Photoshop. What woman doesn’t love to be surprised? If you absolutely have to take a current photo, ensure that you do it while standing next to someone older, heavier, and shorter than you are. Good lighting helps. No lighting, in some circumstances, is even better. With a Smile and a Dagger Make absolutely certain you aren’t smiling in any of your photos. Think dark and brooding. Most women prefer men who intimidate them into going out with them. It lets her know that you love yourself, you have a sense of relaxed confidence, and she’d be lucky to win a date with you. Hair of the Samurai Hairy man=masculine/sexy/strong. Full beards, mullets, goatees, chest hair are all good. Goatees are especially effective - they say “yeah, I work for the man, but I’m really a rucksack totin’ rebel at heart.” More air than hair? See Photoshop advice in section II. A True Gem Has Many Facets Don’t just submit one, submit nine or ten. This illustrates all your many sides and impresses upon her that you are a multi-dimensional human being. Include photos that express your personality. Baby photos are good; they communicate your cleverness, convey your innocent side, and are never seen as cheesy or manipulative. Photos with you surrounded by your frat buddies beer bonging it must be fairly effective as I’ve seen several Bud-swillin’ Samurais online. At least one photo that features you with your arm draped around a woman bearing some portion of her anatomy should also be part of your photo-ammo. The more photos of you shirtless at the beach, the better. III. Prepare for the Buddha Call – Composing Your Profile As discussed earlier, branding is all-important. Determine which of these categories you fall into and compose your profile accordingly. Rico Suave Let her know just how much you love your car/boat/motorcycle. We love men who are passionate about extensions of their penises. It implies priapic girth and hey, passion is passion. I adored the man who informed me that he “never goes anywhere without checking his Pirellis.” Make yourself appear soulful by mentioning how much of a materialistic bitch your ex-wife/girlfriend was. The Hitachi™ Magic Wand AKA The Sperminator Pique her interest by letting her know you are a raging, pumping, eternally tumescent machine, focused like a laser beam. As one guy informed me: the 3 things he liked most about being with a woman were 1) sex 2) sex and 3) sex. I must say I appreciate when a man communicates his sexual turn-ons up front. I am also thankful for the guy who admits that he’s an anatomy man – why waste time making me labor under the façade that you’re a leg man when you, really, “will work for boob?” Another gentlemen regaled me with tales of his schoolgirl/spanking fantasies and requested that I help him fulfill them. He was very intuitive in correctly assuming that most women embrace any opportunity to be altruistic. Nice Normal Straight Guy with No Hidden Agenda Okay, I’m just throwing this one in there so people don’t view me as a total bitch. I’ve heard tales of this species appearing online, but chalk that up to urban legend. Just kidding. I know that they are out there, but nice guys just aren’t fodder for funny. I really did meet a couple NNS guys online. Honest. (see, I’m not really a bitch) IV. Feng Shui: Tips for Improving the Flow of Energy from Online to On Futon So, all the proper elements are in place, now what? Here are some suggestions that will put your letter way ahead of the pack and help you make that leap from virtual to virtuoso. The Joy of Cut and Paste or Saving Your Strength for the Main Battle Women appreciate it when you obviously cut and paste your letters of courtship – it says “I’m too good for this service, but I am working 80 hours a week, my options are all under water, and I have no free time. I went to a good school, I own my own condo, and the photo I submitted was taken from my membership card from my private club, which, by the way, has one of the best golf courses in the country.” Or, it could just say that you are lazy. Either way, forgetting to change the name in the greeting is a nice, whimsical touch saying “Hey, I’m fallible. Love me anyway.” The Way of the Letters Most online matchmaking services will show a woman how many letters you’ve sent and how many you’ve responded to. Who do you think she’s going to pick when presented with the choice of responding to someone who has carefully composed 2 or 102? 102 – absolutely! She’ll know and respect your determination, drive, and chutzpah. Only 2 women you find interesting? Expand your horizons, be flexible – don’t be such a pansy (see Joy of Cut and Paste above). Path to Enlightenment Realize that a date is an investment of time and money. As referenced in How to Be a Player, it’s all about reducing your CPL (Cost Per Lay). Ensure that you ask the important questions when penning your letters so you can build a psychological profile and know what you’re getting. She, in turn, will be flattered by your inquiries and your desire to “dig deeper.” Ask: If she had a dinner party, who would she invite? What is her favorite romantic movie? What are her feelings about the recent shutdowns of cannabis clubs? Does she have a roommate? V. Goodbye Pokemon, Hello Kitty This pretty much sums it up. Once you’ve become adept at these techniques and your mojo is properly honed, you can focus your energies on the art of getting your groove offline.  |
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