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In 2001 after my third marriage ended it occurred to me that I couldn't possibly be any worse at picking men if I'd gotten a degree in failure. OK, that's a bit heavy. Let me put it this way: If I were to accidentally walk into the International Prince Charming Convention, a room filled with all the nicest, kindest, handsomest most eligible men in the world, I'd walk right up to a pickpocket working the room and say in my chirpiest girl voice, "Hi, my name's PD! What's yours?" First I cried a lot. Then I did lots of things people do in this situation. I quit drinking. I saw a therapist. I got on some decent antidepressant medication. I got a real job and bought a car and bought a house and bought an oriental rug (is it PC to call it that?) and finally, one day, when I'd almost quit thinking about myself I realized I felt pretty good. Maybe I wasn't so good at finding Prince Charming, but at least I was totally over Prince Alarming. That guy was no longer welcome. I knew what he looked like. I had his number. And he was going to have to torment some other dim chick next time. I was as happy as I'd ever been. I did not need another loser to make my life interesting. I had hired a psychotherapist with the mutually agreed upon goal of never doing this expensive miserable thing again. No more loser marriages. My third husband had completely cleaned me out both financially and in terms of my stuff. I had no stuff. I had to get all new stuff. This happened not because he had such a good case to steal every damned thing I owned, but because he was crazy and dishonest and I didn't feel like arguing with him over toasters and Christmas ornaments. I just wanted out. I left with my clothes, my car, and an Apple computer. I figured, since I was starting over in every other way, I might as well start over with men too. But I knew I needed help. My therapist said that finding the right man was as simple as learning to say no to the wrong man. What a revelation! Like many women of my generation and from my neck of the woods, the right man was any man who liked you who wasn't a drunk or a convicted felon. And actually, those things were negotiable if the guy has money. One of my sisters met her husband when she was 14 and he was 24, and my parents were thrilled. Today, that guy might be arrested. But I guess it's good he wasn't, because they are still together. The point is, I had zero practice saying no. The very concept was alien. So, by way of practice, my therapist got behind the idea of me trying online dating. If done safely, this would afford me lots of opportunities to meet guys, size them up, maybe go out if they passed the first meeting, and then say no to the ones who didn't measure up. I'd never done this. I Basically marry every guy who approaches me. So me sizing THEM up, that was different. People like to talk about how dangerous online dating is. Hey, dating MEN is dangerous no matter where you attempt it--online, offline, at church, anywhere, any way. With this in mind, I set some basic ground rules: I always set up the first meeting at the mall food court. Plenty of people. Security guards. Etc. I did not give my last name or address or phone number until I felt fairly sure it was safe to do so and often, never. If the meeting progressed to a date, I met the guy in my own car so I could get up and get out if need be, on my own. Finally, I discussed my adventures with my therapist and if a guy came up short behavior-wise and I didn't pick up on it, if he showed any assholio tendencies at all, I agreed to practice my 'get lost' routine. I was never rude or mean though. I don't like it when people are rude or mean to me, so even in situations where I thought, "whoa," I was polite in my "no thanks" responses. I have to say, I had fun with this. It was a grand adventure for me, and even though it was 90% not that productive romantically, I got a lot of insight into male insecurities and idiosyncrasies, and in the end, I felt a lot of compassion even for the men who were awful. This surprised me, and it was, in and of itself, a worthwhile experience to have. But I also enjoyed 'shopping' on my own terms, for what I wanted, instead of trying to fit myself into what some man wanted. What I wanted was (I thought) pretty easy: 1) I wanted someone to who would go to the movies with me, 2) Someone who wouldn't make a lot of demands (marry me, cook for me, live with me, clean my socks, etc, none of that), and 3) Someone who might enjoy having sex with me every now and again. And then go home. To his own house. And his own socks. Men say this is what they want. They are all the time saying that. It's crap. It's not what men want. No one tells the truth about what they want. Including me. The first man I met at the food court sat down, pulled out a piece of paper, and started interviewing me in a ridiculously no nonsense way. After half a dozen questions, the nature of which I do not recall, he laid down the law. "You will not date anyone else while you are dating me. I am sick of sluts." At that point I busted out laughing, which I am pretty sure was the wrong response, because after that he excused himself and left. I felt a little bad for laughing since it was my intention to be polite, but when someone is being ridiculously inappropriate sometimes it just happens. I definitely dodged a bullet there. That guy might have had bodies stacked up in his garage. He had that vibe. Then I met a guy who had been chatting with me for awhile. In his profile, his photo looked very nice, and I felt I knew him a little better, so I met him at the business he owned and ran. To my surprise he was horrible deformed by some crippling chronic illness, perhaps rheumatoid arthritis. He could not stand up straight. His limbs and hands were twisted. He could not walk without a walker. He shook my hand while I stood there in shock and then stuck it down his pants. "Whoa! Seriously!?" I said, (or something to that effect). I felt kind of sorry for him and now, if I didn't go out with him, he'd think it was because of his disability, which would be only half of it. I met him at his house for a movie date. He fell asleep on the couch. I left, more annoyed than angry. He called later and apologized and asked me if I would come over and cook dinner for him. I am embarrassed to say I actually did this. He had this stove with a timer on it that beeped non-stop He didn't know how to fix it so he didn't. It was crazy making. He asked me to move in with him rent free in exchange for cooking and some care taking. I told him this was not what I had in mind. I was looking for movies and sex and and he had not been up to either one. He said he actually kind of liked me and I thought, wow, such a romantic. My therapist vetoed that guy, of course. But I felt bad for him. Not only was he horribly disabled, he was a real crab ass. He'd been on the dating site for five years. Round about this time I got an email from a guy who lived about seventy miles north of me who said he thought we had a lot in common. RIght. I shot back an email that said something like, "Oh yeah? Like what" We started emailing each other though. He was easy to talk to, (he was the only guy I met through the dating sites who was easy to talk to, and the only one who seemed the least bit interested in me), and as we were both kind of engaged in the same search, I told him about my "interviews" (I'd come to regard them that way), and he talked about his own life and occasionally his bad marriage. He said he was going to leave his wife. I thought, um. Sure you are. I knew we would never get together because of the distance and the fact that he was married, and I told him this, but we kept talking because it was fun and soon I was looking forward to these talks and to sharing my latest adventures in internet dating land. I met a lot of guys but I went out with only a few. One of the most common questions I got was, "How many dates do we have to go on before we have sex?" (Answer: Now that you've asked that question, an infinite number of dates, billions and billions of dates...) OK, I never actually said that. But I thought it. I went out with a newspaper editor who let me pay for everything and fell asleep during the movie we saw. (This was becoming a theme.) I went out with a seven foot tall black man who kept reminding me that he was a seven foot tall black man. Like I could miss this. That guy did have a huge dick, which was useless because he also WAS a huge dick. I met a guy who was 5'5" who made $70,000 and went to Disney Land every summer. If I played my cards right, I could be a part of that, he said. I didn't have any cards. One night, I was chatting with my friend from up north about my latest dating exploits and he began talking about the woman HE was dating. Whoa. It felt like my stomach fell through my shoes. He can't be dating anyone! In about a second and a half I realized I was stuck on this guy and we hadn't even met. But how could it work? He was far away. He was married. We planned a meeting and from the first it was like getting hit with an uber-strong narcotic. We were like on a love drug. It was ridiculous but wonderful. I had never, ever, in my wildest dreams thought I would experience something so right, ever. But here's what I remember most (besides the amazing sex): When I asked him what he wanted from this he said, "I want to love someone. I want to love you." Oh my god, I thought. That is the right answer. In all my life I had never heard it. Ten years later, we are still together, still happy, still talking. Sometimes we even go to the movies. Become a member now and get a free tote bag. |
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12/3/2014 9:17 am |
Sensational! Thanks for putting that into words on a stupid screen. -- Normal
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Sensational! Thanks for putting that into words on a stupid screen. -- Normal Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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No is always a good word to have in one's vocabulary. Thanks for the very interesting post.  
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No is always a good word to have in one's vocabulary. Thanks for the very interesting post. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thank you! I suppose it's obvious- we are quite pleased with each other. We felt like a couple of old fuck ups and still managed to come out with something good! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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You are most welcome! True story- we honestly each felt a bit hopeless, but kept putting one foot before the other, and look what happened! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Who doesn't love a love story? I enjoyed reading your story very much. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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That was quite an enjoyable, funny, insightful read. Great "her" side of the story...I am curious to read his. I hope it is more than, "She was sexy and funny." I have a feeling it might be as good as this one.
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KZoo, Oh my gods, oh my gods, oh my dogs. She couldn't be more perfect for you. Why do the two of you have to live so far awayaaaaaaa! (yes, I'm whining. Why do you ask?) Ahem, Thank you for sharing that. Kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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That was quite an enjoyable, funny, insightful read. Great "her" side of the story...I am curious to read his. I hope it is more than, "She was sexy and funny." I have a feeling it might be as good as this one. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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KZoo, Oh my gods, oh my gods, oh my dogs. She couldn't be more perfect for you. Why do the two of you have to live so far awayaaaaaaa! (yes, I'm whining. Why do you ask?) Ahem, Thank you for sharing that. Kk Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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This is Bill.....mac, the guy stuck PD's hand in his pants! Right in the middle of a handshake he just thrust that hand in there where he wanted it! Fucking hilarious! I couldn't believe she went back either, but she said she felt sorry for him even though it wasn't going to go anywhere. I think I could have felt even sorrier for him if he was on the floor with a split lip. And I have occasionally fallen asleep during movies that she picks, but she cuts me some slack on that since I am also capable of licking my own eyebrows. (I gave her the option to respond to these comments herself and she told me to do it. So she has nothing to complain about.) Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Love will indeed sneak up on you when you aren't looking, but you have to recognize it and grab it! We weren't even "matches". I found her all on my own and I'm taking full credit for it. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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She said it was too long, I said it was too short! Her stories about online dating are hilarious. Interviews is what the meetings were, like she was applying for a position- missionary, doggie, kneeling. And none of these clowns could see what they were passing on. I tried to get her to tell more of it- maybe sometime she will. I am so grateful for stupid men! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I'm so delighted for you that you have both found such a wondeful, perfect love together... I think Bill is gorgeous and amazing too but he's yours and I fully respect that. *hugs2U* Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Fourth try's a charm - for both of you!! Amazing story, thanks for sharing.  
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Fourth try's a charm - for both of you!! Amazing story, thanks for sharing. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I.D., you cut me to the quick! As it happens, I do occasionally have a hand in my pants, but it isn't mine and it's looking for loose change. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I'm fond of her myself, sweetie. After all those fuck ups, she wasn't afraid to try again. Or rather, she was afraid but she tried anyway. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Write on! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thanks for the moral support! Come back often, you hear? Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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The two of you clearly share a penchant for elegant, effective writing. Well met! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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The two of you clearly share a penchant for elegant, effective writing. Well met! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thanks! It was worth kissing a few frogs to meet Bill. Sometimes things work out when you least expect it. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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You know, we hadn't given up looking, we were just resigned to the fact that we weren't going to find it. It was the best thing in the world to be wrong about. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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