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Warning Signs
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Warning Signs Warning Signs Is The Topic For The Fifth Virtual Symposium Warning Signs by P.D. If you can't be an inspiration, be a warning. I am not good at very many things, but I do have one true gift: I can sense any horrible situation coming a mile off and throw myself into the middle of it without thinking once, never mind twice. If you want to know what not to do, ask me: I've not only done it the wrong way, I've done it in every wrong way it can be done and other wrong ways nobody has even imagined yet. No point in being modest. I know my strengths. I know you've heard this parable: One day a man walks down a street, doesn't see that there's a hole in the pavement, and falls into the hole. The next day, the same man walks down the same street but sees the hole too late, and falls into the hole again, cursing himself as he falls. Finally, on the third day, the same man walks down the same street, sees the hole, but this time he sprints toward it<b> singing </font></b>show tunes at the top of his lungs, and throws himself into the hole face first. That hole was a lethal sinkhole. It went all the way to the center of the earth and out the other end to a bok choi field somewhere in central China. Every so often some white person crawls out of that hole and starts asking the local peasants for directions to the nearest AA meeting. So of course, when Bill told me I had a chance to share my accumulated warning wisdoms this week, I was more than happy to step up. It's the least I can do, and I mean that. The least. Let's begin: • Never go on a second date with a guy who pays for two 89 cent Cokes with a major credit card. If same guy pays with same credit card and it is declined, marry him. • If you wake up on a strange front lawn with a bad hangover and no dentures, do not go door to door asking random people if they have found a set of teeth recently. Go home, throw up a few times and wait. If a woman knocks on your door, presents a pair of pearly whites and says, "I know this seems weird but did you lose these?" marry her that day. Fairy tales do come true. It could happen to you. • Marry unwisely and often. This will insure you remain unencumbered by the crushing weight of wealth and money, which as we all know, is the root of all evil. • If at some point you find yourself with , you must take care of them. This is not a joke. Every day ask yourself three questions: Is anyone bleeding? Is anyone naked? Is anyone on fire? If you can honestly answer no to two of these three, you are doing OK. • Stay away from men who wear berets, English Leather cologne, or three piece suits because, dude, seriously? • The man should never be prettier than the woman. The leads to trouble every time. • If your grad school advisor tells you that you are the most brilliant student he has met in all his years of teaching, he wants to fuck you, stupid. All beautiful young grad students are brilliant. Your task is to find a way out of that rat hole with a credential in hand. Rots a ruck. • I myself was way smarter when I was younger and prettier. • The best way to meet the love of your life is give up on men entirely. Wear sweats to the grocery store. Eat cereal for dinner. Cuss in public. Drive a beater. Within a week guys will be all over you and one of them will actually be Mr. Right. Men can smell desperation at 100 yards or more, but consign yourself to a wonderful life without them and they will fight each other to beat a path to your door. I could go on, but why give this stuff away for free with there are people making gobs money in California as pet psychics and feng shui consultants? If you have any specific concerns that require the application of my gift of innate batshit self-fuckery, shoot us an email along with a $500 retainer in my Pay Pal account and we'll talk. You too could have all this---whatever this is. All you have to do is ask. Midland China is beautiful this time of year. Become a member now and get a free tote bag. |
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Yeah well, me too. But a girl needs to have some running shoes close at hand when consorting with one. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Every one of these is based in a true story...true of someone she knows if not her. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Great post.  That's been my problem; I've been dating women uglier than me!  
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Great post. That's been my problem; I've been dating women uglier than me!  I am certain you're right!Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Yep...she's a laugh a minute! It's a regular Comedy Club around here! Some day when she's bitching about the electric company I'm gonna take notes and and post the rant. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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She got that part right when she married me. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thank you Lady X! Those of us with 'the gift' recognize each other, don't we? Thank you for the support and affirmation. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I'm sure it's the secret to our success as a couple.... Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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You made me laugh today KZ Well done! hugsssssssssss V This was a good topic for all wasn't it? Become a blog watcher sweet_vm
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"Men can smell desperation at 100 yards or more, but consign yourself to a wonderful life without them and they will fight each other to beat a path to your door. " Nothing truer said.
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You made me laugh today KZ Well done! hugsssssssssss V This was a good topic for all wasn't it? Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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"Men can smell desperation at 100 yards or more, but consign yourself to a wonderful life without them and they will fight each other to beat a path to your door. " Nothing truer said. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I've been doing the "wearing sweats to the store, cussing, driving a beater", but I'm guessing that doesn't work on women.  Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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All of this is hysterically hilarious! I can attest to at least three points being true. Thanks for the laugh, P.D.! Visit my blog It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World of NaughtyInSO, leave a comment, become a watcher. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIVE AND LET LIVE Be happy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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if only i drove a beater...   When the tides of life are against you And the current upsets your boat Don't think of things that might have been Just lay on your back and float Ed Norton / The Honeymooners 1954
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I have a new girl crush on P.D. I hope that you laughed as hard at the post as I did. She is so right. When I gave up on dating, I did exactly as this post instructed, I signed up on FriendFinder-x and became a blogger, I started wearing whatever the hell I wanted in private and public, I did what I wanted when I wanted, I ate whatever the hell I wanted when I wanted (eggs for dinner? check. Soup for breakfast? check) and I took care of my kids. There are plenty of guys that want to meet me, so now I need some discernment. Kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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Wonderful post And yeah... a few of these apply to me as well.
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Wonderful post And yeah... a few of these apply to me as well.Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Re: the children. The way they change your life sneaks up on you. PD found herself calmly saying one day "Kenny, get this basketball out of the toilet" and realized she was never going back to what had been normal. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I think in your case it would look damn good...there are exceptions to every rule. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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LOL....Nice, light and I loved it!!
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LOL....Nice, light and I loved it!! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Funny, funny, funny! Echoes of the National Lampoon bit "Deteriorata" (a parody of the treacly "Desiderata") which features one of my favorite lines: "Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet." Thank you for the laughs... and for joining us, again, in the virtual symposium! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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She sleeps. Not with the fishes, just in the other room. I'll thank you for her. She thought maybe this was too obnoxious and I told her no, it's perfect for this group. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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And you paypal account number is? Find pleasure in giving pleasure
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