Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > snugglefuckers > My Blog |
Wonderful reading
|
Wonderful reading I cannot claim any ownership of this writing. I took it from another site that we are members of. I do feel that it resonates with us...... Any of you that read this, please feel free to comment..... Things to remember when being poly and kinky feels overwhelming None of this is life shattering, it's mostly fairly basic, poly101 stuff. But, I suspect that organizing it on screen and having it sit here to look back on may be useful. So, here goes, not in any particular order, just in stream-of-consciousness flow. (Please forgive and be flexible about the use of specific pronouns. They are not meant to exclude anyone from the conversation. They simply are what they are because I'm trying to speak from my heart... And while we're speaking from the heart, please be kind. These are my opinions and are not meant to criticize or define what's "right" or "wrong".) Things to remember when being poly and kinky feels overwhelming: Don't feel like you have to figure it all out today. And accept that it's not a linear process of positive progression. I've been poly for a little over a year and actively kinky for about six months. Every day feels a little different. I still feel like a brand spanking new newbie. Some days I feel supremely confident and happy about all the decisions I've made. On these days I feel like even if not everything is in its right place, everything is moving, in its own twisted way towards a generally "good" place. These are the days when I can look into my partner's eyes, acknowledge that he also plays with other partners, and know that his extracurricular activities in no way diminishes the affection and adoration he feels towards me. On darker days, everything feels intimidating and heavy. Everything carries with it an ominous cloud of negativity and foreboding. On the really dark days, I question my decisions and my strength and ability to handle whatever is coming towards me. These are the days during which I'll need this list the most. These are the days when I have to remind myself that it's ok for everything to feel like they're moving too fast. Stability and constancy are illusions anyway. Sometimes the fluidity (and instability) feels magnified because of my decision to be poly. And this. Is. OK. I don't need to over-dramatize what's happening. Instead, I can simply accept and make peace with the fluidity. Stop making up stories in your head about your partner's other partners. I do this way too often than I would like. I do this when I'm feeling particularly tired, vulnerable and unbalanced. The story I make up could be, "When he plays with her, it's exactly like how it is when he plays with me. She and I are in direct competition with each other and, ultimately, only one of us can win." Or, "She's trying to replace me. She wants to own him and exclusively own him and will do whatever it takes to have him. And he'll let her." Remember, these are just stories, and 99% of the time, they're purely fictional. Don't let them burden your reality. If you are really struggling with them, face your fear and uncertainty head on, and talk it out with your partner. Be brave, and talk it out. Stop comparing yourself to your partner's other partners. This one goes hand-in-hand with the previous bullet point. Accept that everyone's simply different. Find beauty in our differences and how we can each uniquely enhance each others' lives because of these differences. I am deeply committed to two partners right now. Neither of them are comparable to the other. I treasure each of their unique qualities and am overwhelmingly thankful that I get to fully appreciate each of their unique talents and gifts. If your partner's partners are open to it, reach out and get to know them. I find it much easier to not feel as jealous or insecure when I've taken the time to know and actually connect with others in the circle. They then become real people, with real challenges and uncertainties, just like me. Remember that he's not trying to "replace" you, he's finding ways to "supplement" his enjoyment and his happiness. I tend to forget this, especially when I don't make time to play with other people. I get so caught up in just him that I forget the perspective I gain when I play with other partners. It's all play. We're just gleefully playing. And it's a wonderful thing to have in our lives, all around. Remember that we're all broken. We all have baggage that we continue to carry with us. Some of us have processed this baggage better than others. Some of us are in the midst of accumulating more baggage. It's important to remember that none of us have figured it all out, and that we're all trying our best to be our best selves with the life experiences we've been given and created thus far. What does this all mean? It means, stop fixating on my perceived inadequacies. Extend and feel true compassion for others. Truly love others for exactly who they are right now, today. Empathize. Support them in their struggles and challenges. Stop feeling inadequate or guilty because you think other people are "better" at being poly than you and are immune to jealousy. I've read many poly discussion threads that included comments from others who claim that they are never jealous, and that they feel this confirms that they are "naturally" polyamorous. Reading these types of comments always make me feel frustrated with myself. What is wrong with me? Why can't I simply stop these random sparks (ok, sometimes they're more than sparks, sometimes they're raging infernos) of jealousy? Well, one really insightful perspective I've come across is that, when you really delve into the feelings of those people who claim they are never jealous, the reality is that those same people have never really allowed themselves to feel deeply for another person. To me, the take-away here is not "people who never feel jealous are all fakes". The take-away is, "cool, my feelings of jealousy may not be entirely mired in dark, destructive feelings of inadequacy. Some of it comes from the idea that I feel a deep level of connection and affection towards my partner, and isn't this a wonderful realization?" So, rather than feeling weak, why not celebrate the idea that when you feel jealous, it's because you are capable of feeling a deep connection for someone. No, this doesn't make the jealousy healthy and no, this doesn't mean you should stop doing the work to excavate the jealousy. What it does mean is that you don't need to repeatedly beat yourself over the head and feel inadequate for feeling jealous in the first place. Communicate, communicate, communicate. We all know that communication is key in our poly and kinky world, but sometimes, communication is the first thing that gets thrown out the window. At least for me it is. I'm naturally an introvert, and when I feel hurt or weak or insecure, my natural reaction is to retract into myself. Shut everyone else out because it's safer that way. Deny that I need others, because the only person I can depend on is myself... Bullshit. When these destructive messages start to play in my head, they're an indication that communication, real, honest, from-the-heart, unedited, communication is what I really need. Make time for yourself to regroup, reorganize and rebalance your priorities. I've often heard from monogamous friends who basically respect and acknowledge the reasoning behind polyamory, that they choose to be monogamous because the logistical challenge of juggling so many relationships seem too overwhelming. Yes, the reality of what some of us are trying to do can present itself as a logistical nightmare. Accept it for what it is. Make peace with the idea that decisions and compromises will need to be made. Accept the reality that you can't do everything and be everyone to everyone else. And isn't this the beauty of being polyamorous? When you can't be everything to someone, find happiness in the possibility that he could fill the void you've left through someone else. And this. Is. OK. Take care of yourself first. It's so easy to be swept away with multiple partners' needs and ignore your own. There are a few basics that I have identified I need to function like a sane, healthy human being. When I'm feeling unbalanced or overwhelmed, I know I need to return to these basics and make sure I'm meeting them. My basics are: sleep, healthy food, exercise, spending time in nature, and physical affection (yay, cuddles!). Figure out what your list of basics includes, and be vigilant about fitting each of those basic items into your life, first. Be ok with the need to compartmentalize every now and then. I run into my partner's partners all the time. Sometimes, I purposely force myself to connect with my partner's partners because, ultimately, I think this is the healthiest approach. But I also acknowledge that there are limits to my capacity to accept their presence in his life. e.g., Yes, it's ok to walk away when my partner starts negotiating a future play date with one of his other partners. No, I don't have to always be strong and be ok with this. Yes, it's ok to ask him to help me come up with ways that allow me to compartmentalize my feelings, even if they're just temporary mechanisms to get me through a particularly dark period, to make me feel "safe". Yes, it's ok to use your veto power, if you've determined that you really, really need to in order to create the mental, emotional and physical security you need. Be open to all possibilities. This one's meant to cover a broad range of areas, but I'll provide a specific example. When my LTR partner and I first decided to open up our relationship in August 2013, we operated under a lot of rules and limitations. At that time, we were picturing each of us having very specific, limited, types of relationships with other partners, and we instituted rules to try to enforce the type of extracurricular relationships we were picturing in our heads. We have since rescinded most of our rules. We have both allowed ourselves to be honest with ourselves in how we're feeling, what's important to us, and what we want and need to be happy. We've pushed beyond what we thought was possible in terms of the depth of relationships we could develop with others. We've pushed beyond what we previously thought was the extent of our capacity to release our dependence on each other. We've expanded our capacity to trust each other... Which directly leads to the next one... Trust your partner. So, yes, there are many different levels and dimensions of trust. There's the trust you build together that, when you truly have it, can lead to the dirtiest, most liberating, most beautiful moments of domination-submission play, those ultimate moments when you're both riding one big hot wave of consensual non-consent. Another important type of trust is the trust you need to have in your partner to hold space for you. By "space" I mean, trust in his willingness and desire to support you, to keep you safe, and to work with you on whatever is currently challenging you. The important thing is to give him the opportunity to be there for you. In order to do this, you need to be willing to share your honest feelings with him, even if you're uncertain in the validity of your own feelings. It's not your job to question or criticize your own feelings. It's your job to try to not stuff them down into a dark hole and bury them, only to have them burst through, angry and bleeding and destructive, at a later time.Trust that he'll be there for you to catch you when you fall, and that he'll eagerly do so. Identify and ask for what you need. Be brutally honest with yourself and figure out what you need to be happy and feel safe. It's ok to ask for it. It's healthy to ask for it. Constantly identifying and asking for what you need is the only way to build and strengthen a relationship and to make it last. Lean on your community. This one's hard for me. It's not easy for me to ask for help. In those rare instances when I do ask for help, I struggle with feelings of not being worthy of the love, support and time I'm receiving. I feel guilty for taking up too much of someone else's time and energy. I hate the idea that I'm being a burden. In these times, remind yourself that most people love helping others. Most people love being needed. Rather than feeling like a burden, find solace in the possibility that asking someone to help you adds value to that person's life. Again, it's ok to ask for what you need. Be conscious of the programming we've received through our elders, our peers, society in general and the media, and how this programming influences our default reactions to events and muddies our interpretation of these events. We are told that the "right" and "responsible" way to live is to find that one person, get married, have , hold a responsible job, and then die. Oh yeah, and if you're having too much fun enjoying kinky sex then you're a<b> hedonist </font></b>and hedonists are selfish and "bad"... Bullshit! Be conscious of the self-critical messages you may be saying to yourself simply because you've bought into the lifetime of programming you've received. Stop those self-critical messages. Consciously work to reprogram yourself. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be free. When all else fails. Laugh. Shift your perspective and find lightness in all circumstances and in people. Find happiness in your partner's happiness. Practice gratitude and recognize all the good in your life. Pay attention to the beauty of silence, the sweet fragrance of moonlight, and the gentle sound of love. |
||||
|
Very Thoughtful post here.....Sometimes "Life" itself can be overwhelming, let alone "The Lifestyle" { to use a phrase that we've both somehow grown to abhor....} But that may well have to do with the programming mentioned in one of the latter paragraphs. Critical self-talk can be the destruction of just about any endevour, not just the more pleasurable ones. If we could only learn to ignore those thoughts, I'm sure we'd all be saner and happier people. But, even given that, I'm not about to put on a tinfoil helmet just to stop those voices in my head. I value my haircut far too much to resort to that. There.....Did the suggestion at the end of the post by laughing. 
| |||
|
Wow, that is insightfull!
| |||
|
Geez, I wish you'd pointed me to this a while ago you two! Lol! All in good time, though, I suppose... I will take advantage now that I know it. Kisses... ~xoxo~ 4 Play
|
Become a member to create a blog
