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50 Reasons NOT to See 50 Shades of Grey
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50 Reasons NOT to See 50 Shades of Grey OK, I'll admit it. I got suckered into the 50 shades phenomenon. The difference is that I spent months avoiding the books and only read them to see just how much the author really knew about BDSM, and as I've said before...I'm pretty certain she did just enough research to write a best seller for 'nillas. So Pirate and I just got back from seeing the movie, because again, I wanted to see how un-BDSM the movie was by comparison...I knew it would be a cheesy chick flick, but it had more cheese than the entire fan base of the Green Bay Packers. However, without giving away too many specific spoilers, it stayed pretty true to the novels. So without further ado, here's why everyone, especially 'nillas would be well-advised to avoid this movie. WARNING: Lots of sarcasm here. 1. Dakota Johnson should never be cast in a lead role...supporting actress at best. 2. Charlie Hunan or Ian Somerhalder would've played a much better Christian Grey. Jamie Dornan had the look, but that's about it. 3. An R-rated chick flick? Sure. A sex movie? Yeah, pretty much. A love story? Uh huh. A BDSM movie? NOT! Watch Secretary instead. 4. The red room of pain wasn't red!!! Really? That was a key element in Christian Grey's black and white world. A handful of red decorations, yes. But it wasn't red. 5. If you're looking for your very own Christian Grey to sweep you off of your feet, check out the billionaire dating club. You'll be more likely to find him there than from the typical Dominant dating pool. 6. Again, casting was made on looks, not acting ability. 7. Soft-core porn contains more plot. 8. All the good parts were edited out just to get below an NC-17 rating. 9. While sex is a big part of BDSM for some lifestylers, it's not the key element. 10. Elliott Grey (the brother) was a deeper and more fun character than Christian. 11. While I'm on Elliott, he had about 2 minutes of air time in the movie, but I'm pretty sure I recall him being a bit more important in the books. For that matter, so was the rest of the family. 12. Where the hell was Mrs. Jones, the housekeeper? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall her as being somewhat of a confidant for Anastasia. 13. EL James' fantasy is going to get a bunch of Dom and subbie wannabes in trouble. Bets on when the first assault charges appear in the headlines. 14. I know I'll get called out on this, but your typical dungeon or toy bag contains a bit more than 58 floggers, 22 belts, a riding crop, and a feather. I think there may have been 1 paddle hanging up for decoration, but the camera panned across it so fast, I may have missed that. 15. "Show me the worst," she tells him when he threatens punishment. Oh yeah, that's where I saw the paddle. The camera pans across it along with the 58 floggers and 22 belts before he selects a braided belt and gives her 6 licks. Really? That's the worst? 16. What billionaire walks around with no security, but has a bank vault lock on their playroom? I know, I know. It was like that in the book too. 17. What't the difference in Christian Grey and a stalker/sexual predator? Billions of dollars, apparently. 18. Not saying it isn't possible, but I find it difficult to believe that your average 22-ish year old girl with daddy issues is still a virgin after 4 years of college, even a mousy non-attractive one. 19. With all the Hollywood types and gorgeous supermodels out there, I'm sure a real Christian Grey is going to look twice at a quiet, mousy, average girl. 20. Speaking of mousy and average, is this really what one would expect a hot-shot, super-gorgeous billionaire, who says himself that he doesn't do romance and feelings, to fall madly in love with? 21. 50 Shades of Grey is misleading to average women. 22. Assholes masquerading as Doms will appear in droves. 23. Life will become more difficult for real Doms and subs to find each other because they'll spend 10 times longer trying to weed out the fakes after sites like this one are overrun. (See #22) 24. Because the movie pretty much left out all of the back story of how Christian Grey came to be as he is, the number of fresh-off-the-farm 18-22 year old (inexperienced) Masters and Mistresses will increase exponentially. 25. Vibrators and dildos are OK, she says. Then in the same breath she asks "What is a butt plug?" I realize she was sheltered, but if you know what vibrators and dildos are, whether you've used one or not, it's a pretty safe bet you've heard of a butt plug. Hello, the name tells you what it is! 26. After Ana drunk dials Christian and hangs up, he calls back and ten seconds into the call, he knows exactly where she is. Seriously? Even police traces take a couple minutes. 27. Where was the lube? I like a good hard fucking as much as the next person, but if I get a cock rammed into me hard several times a day with no prep, one or both of us is gonna get sore...quick. 28. Realistically...how many good-looking billionaires come from crack mothers? 29. Dakota Johnson is the next Kristen Stewart. I've seen more emotional range in a water spigot. At least they can get cold or hot. 30. Great cinematography. The cameras hit every good part at the perfect angle...the one where you saw nothing. If you're looking for steamy sex scenes, save the $10 and try RedTube. 31. Didn't you know? BDSM is a few seconds of a flogger being dragged down one's body, immediate orgasm from cunnilingus, and hours of hard fucking. 32. Ana immediately fell for Christian Grey because he's the perfect Dominant man. I'm sure the garage full of expensive Audis, the hellicopter, the ultralite, his rare book collection, and of course, his billions of dollars had nothing to do with it. 33. Christian Grey...he thinks of everything throughout the whole movie...expensive champagne, perfect dates, the finest clothes...right down to his cuff links...but then forgets the champagne flutes for the after-graduation celebration, forcing them to drink from champagne from coffee cups. He DOES have a flaw. 34. Curbside parking by the front door without a meter and without spending an hour looking for a space in front of a 50-story office building in Seattle? Really? They couldn't make up a valet just to make it a little bit believable? 35. We get it. Ana was simple and frumpy. But shaving cream is relatively cheap. Couldn't she at least shave her legs and trim her bush? You'd need a weed whacker to get thru all the pubes. 36. And seriously! He's a billionaire. He should have a personal groomer to come in and shave his balls. No, they didn't show all that, but every time his zipper flew open, it was like a tumbleweed was trying to escape his pants. Christian, come on dude...a little manscaping please! 37. Inconsistency with aftercare during the few scenes containing a touch of BDSM. 38. I can die happily knowing that EL James will never be mentioned in the same sentence as great authors the likes of Mark Twain or Edgar Allen Poe, or even Dr. Seuss. 39. On that note, I can also die happily knowing this movie will never live among classics like Gone With the Wind, Pulp Fiction, or even Sleepless In Seattle. 40. When they were happy, the sun came out. Depressed or sad? It rained like a bitch. Hmmm...Yeah, I know. It rains a lot in Seattle. But I'm pretty sure it doesn't rain on cue to match your emotions. 41. What self-respecting 22-year old uses a flip phone these days? Billionaire businessman boyfriend sets her up with a brand new Mac and no iPhone. Really? Or how about one of those new Windows smart phones? Aren't they just a short drive from Microsoft? 42. The one part that was interesting and amusing in the books...all their emails and text messages to one another...was mostly ignored. Yeah, they had a few in there, but they could've done better. That's the one thing that made them seem human if you read the books. 43. Another misleading part of the fantasy that will get some folks in trouble...Christian declares his devotion to Anastasia if she'll become his submissive. Maybe this happens sometimes, but it's been through experience and observation that devotion comes with time, love, and nurturing...not a couple weeks of hard fucking. 44. Reclusive billionaire has never been seen in public with a woman, or even by his own family, is suddenly so captivated by a frumpy college girl that he's pulling her into publicity shots during her graduation. 45. Half the movie is focused on the contract. She hems and haws over it forever, then he says fuck the contract. Seriously? 46. I worked in a hardware store once, but that was after I was deep into the lifestyle, so a creepy guy coming in to buy all the tools of a "serial killer" as Ana referred to it, would't have phased me. In fact, I may have made some snarky comment. But had this happened to me when I was the sweet, innocent virgin who knew nothing about bondage, I'm sure the last thing that would've happened would be us dating. 47. Hot-shot billionaire trains a plain ordinary girl to be a high-society lady (with a twist). Audrey Hepburn did it much better in My Fair Lady (minus the sex and so-called bondage). 48. Do people really dance around the kitchen while making breakfast? Especially in a new place, with a new love interest, and on their first time sleeping over? Especially, when it's been made perfectly clear that they're bashful? 49. Gone With the Wind is widely considered one of the greatest romance classics of all time. It ran 3 hours 58 minutes and spanned the entire 4 years of the Civil War. Rhett Butler was the strong alpha male, who never wavered, while Scarlett was a sassy brat, but still a strong woman. 50 Shades of Grey, a modern romance, was 2 hours 2 minutes and spanned about 2 weeks in the life of wishy-washy alpha male Christian Grey and bratty, indecisive Anastasia Steele. 4 hours for an entire war and 2 hours for a bunch of fluff and filler? Hollywood has really gone downhill in 75 years. 50. And finally...did I mention the 2 hours of bad acting, bad writing, bad casting, false realities, unrealistic expectations, characters with unstable personalities...need I go on? I think I'll go watch the Secretary to cleanse the 50 Shades of Stink off of me...then maybe a little porn. "Work like a Captain, Play like a Pirate!" |
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1. Its a bit boring and slow
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1 post 2/15/2015 2:45 am |
The sad thing is people really ARE going to be mislead. "Work like a Captain, Play like a Pirate!"
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Thanks for the info. Nice to get an honest critique. We'll save the $ and wait for the DVD.
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