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Blogs > phoenix71rebirth > Flamed by the Phoenix

40+ Days till 2017 ... A Contemplation  

phoenix71rebirth 52F
181 posts
11/13/2016 2:58 pm
40+ Days till 2017 ... A Contemplation

So I have entered my 3rd month unemployed after an unceremonious layoff from a job I took because it meant my could go to school, I could pay bills and squeeze the odd treat.

All that came to a crash end mid August. The countless applications sent. Countless calls to friends colleagues to no avail. A single mom of 45 isn't worth hiring.

I guess my will be fed air and education isn't important cause we live in a world where women are still just objects ... not real people. Some of us actually carried gave birth and raised these mysogynists.

2016 is a year I would wish on anyone. Not even my haters.

It's been a lot of struggles in my life. Low salaries but I managed these 3 months no money down to 1 meal a day mostly simple sandwiches my heart breaks for my daughters. Their talents and academic excellence all coming to a grinding halt becoz I CANNOT find anyone who is willing to hire me in this sandpit of window dressing and make believe.

I haven't slept in weeks. I try to keep a semblance of routine but I am manically insomniac. I sleep between 8am to noon waking up lethargic and more depressed. My health is deteriorating without money to afford even my medical appointments or medication ... becoz what little there's left I try to make meals for the girls. Even if I drop dead, my come first.

Recruitment agencies took money delivered nothing. Or call you up ask you questions and then tell you
A. Too old over 40
B. Wrong gender
C. Wrong passport
Why the fuck waste my time you had these details already ... bastardd half my age telling me I'm not the right fit not based off my experience or exposure but point A throufh C.

So with 40 plus day to the new year at 0233 I am wide awake with panic and anxiety from no more options to try and wondering have I missed an obvious untapped possibility to save this sinking dream. I have not struggled 14yrs to fail. Maybe hunger is keeping me awake ... water can fill you up only so much for so long ... running a list of what we have left to create food from for the girls.

An abject sense of isolation and realization that putting the whole world ahead of you means nothing. When you need a hand all you see are backs turned.

And so I try to grapple with disappointment and mild depression trying to keep chin up be strong stay positive not create anxiety in my as I wade through these uncertainties. In the process I have stopped believing in myself that I can recover from this upset. The longest I have been unemployed in a land that is unforgiving if you have no money to woo it.

2017 seems almost unreal in my mind ... the world has ceased to exist because I have ceased to exist for the world.

And then a friend sends me a song U2 -Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own and says remember somebody cares for you. This a message of hope from an alcoholic, psychiatric drugged<b> wasted </font></b>mind whose bursts of clarity anuses me and scares me simultaneously.

"These words are you. Give others a chance to help you make it better. " He says 1 vodka bottle later with a handful of pills ingested. Does one listen to the words of a lucid madman or allow the world's perception of you being nothing more than a failure define this struggle.

I might need his pills and a bottle of vodka in hope that some lucidity and unfaltering hope possesses me. "Believe in you. Believe in your talents and experience" he says and those words are like daggers through my heart .... I realise I have lost my way and I need to find the trail again.

Will I be able to survive 2016 and turn this difficult time into an amazing unstoppable 2017? I know must .. for my and mostly for my own sense of being. A recent quote comes to mind "be still and know" I need to be still and allow the universe to lead me forward and believe dammit in my less than perfect self.

Send me positive vibes ... I need every one trust me.

Thank you ... be kind and humble

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