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Blogs > TOMBOYinESSENCE > simply true to myself ... UB2

THE CASUALTIES OF WAR ended about the time I went away to school.  

TOMBOYinESSENCE 56M
0 posts
5/19/2015 7:26 am
THE CASUALTIES OF WAR ended about the time I went away to school.

So why do some of us deviants, us Casualties of War, keep diaries? I think we think about us more than the status quo do themselves; at least I do. I don't feel disenfranchised, threatened, freaky, weird, bizarre, etc. but rather different from the norm and yes, special, in a good way. But for me anyway, still there is, there are, the differences, thus the questions and the answers as to why.

Thus there is my diary, my 100 X 53 yard playing field with recorded facts and feelings and game of connecting the dots ... a game which ran for about a dozen years or from about 6 to 18 years old or when I went away to school. By that time I think I had most of my answers, the good and the bad of me, my self. After that, it just took a bit longer to be comfortable with it all.

After birth and for about a half dozen years, I pretty much wore what was presented, participated in what was going on and answered to the name of 'boy'

And then began something else ... or rather I became aware of some discrepancies, disparities between my feelings and what, who I was and what the world assumed I was. It became a tug of war, a war between maintaining myself in focus ... or the status quo assumption of myself. And as it turned out, the battle was never the status quo, but rather my assumption of the conflict, if it was a conflict, would, could or should influence me. I just had to recognize and welcome myself.
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I used to play lots with those little toy soldiers; you know, those little uniformed figurines attached to the little bases so they could stand proudly and fight the good fight. And there was always one that did not stand up quite as easily as the rest of the squad ... and that was me. And so, in the course of my play, squad advances, etc., the first Casualty of War was naturally me... me cause it was hard for me to be the same as the rest of the squad; but easier than the rest of the squad to assume the position and play my special role, be me.

And, as I, the General, the 'boy', got up from the battlefield, the living room floor; and looked down at my olive drab army, I saw several brown round helmets, presumably with soldiers underneath them. And to the side I saw a figure lying down and because of the position, it was in focus and I could see all the details, from head to foot ... the sum total of the figure; differences outstanding and composure from the squad, the status quo because it had found it's niche, it's self.

And so, perhaps from 6 to 18 years old, through living the experiences of life and the recorded history of my diary, as with my special soldier, about the time I went away to school, I had pretty much found myself and a bit later, recognized and welcomed me, thus my niche and fully realized myself, thus ending the war with myself.

Kaycee.

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